What do you do when you begin to realize your inability to feel tired and the lack of sleep isnt affecting you. When you feel devoid of emotion yet also so full of emotion it beckons forth streams that turn to waterfalls. Oceans inside are swelling with no place for overflow anymore. Oceans inside are draining with no notion to where they are headed. Walls are torn down, walls are erected. The grass is alive and so green. The sky is in a heavy overcast, there is no sun. The trees billow freely yet my cheeks remain wet even after the rivers have dried and died.
It feels like a lucid dream, everything feels surreal. Nothing is real but how can that be when i see myself typing this very post. The hairs stand on my neck, the breeze creeps up my leg. I glissade down the rabbit hole. Cautious yet curious. My mind is whole yet fractured. The schism between who I am and who I want to be. Where does this trail lead? I see fresh footprints but there is no displaced grass. They are floating? My eyes are closed, im experiencing sensations that feel alien. How to describe something that hasnt been felt before. There is no experience to draw from.
Experience. What a funny notion. We draw from these fragmentations in order to better prepare for current happenings even though there will never be two things that are quite the same. Our own memories distorted to achieve what we believe to be true. No outside influence. Just us. Gaslighting ourselves eventually when asked to recall or call upon the experience when needed. Can one have experience in losing their mind? How does that work? Am I actually losing it, or am i just experiencing new concepts for the first time from a new summit in life? The letters are falling off the screen, black dots are dancing across my vision. I refocus. They dissipate. They return. They disappear. I have an overwhelming sense of relief and tension wash over my body. Like willingly submerging yourself into freezing water. Its molten down into the nerve endings. My skin is ablaze. My skin is taut. My mind is racing. My mind is expanding. My soul is fleeting. My heartbeat syncs with the musics bassline. When did i go from listening to R&B and Rap to EDM? The song is WILDFIRE by Jaenga.
Why do I feel so much tension. The sun rises soon. I am one with the sun. It melts the feelings of inadequacy away. The feelings of worthlessness take root and grow. The moon waxes and wanes. The oceans are shoved and yanked backwards. Rains pours from open skies. Sunshine blossoms from dark clouds. Is this what it means to be one and yet feel everything? Is this what it means to be all yet feel nothing?
I feel all the microscopic tears in my muscles. My entire body is agony. My pain is ecstasy. I feel growth. I regress. I gain yet lose. Every step forward is a step in place. Every step backwards is a leap ahead? My past is dead. I can learn nothing from it, ive gleamed all I could from it. My past is full of information. I have so much to learn.
Why do i feel so light, as if im floating? Why am i sinking upwards? Where is my mind taking me as i vocalize these thoughts and come in and out. So much time has passed. I’ve been typing for 13 minutes. Its been days. The lights flicker. My vision fades then my pupils dilates and the world reveals itself. Am i experiencing this in real life or inside my mind? It feels real. It isnt real. This isnt real. Im not real. My mind is real. This is real. IT IS REAL?
Internal monologues are quite common among people. They are healthy. I talk frequently to myself. Heres the thing though… I keep asking questions and getting silence in return. Have you ever asked yourself something and there is no response? Not even fleeting thoughts, just total and deafening silence. Its like tinnitus. Real life fades away, and Im in a room alone watching things dissipate in real time until im alone in a large room. Like a reverb chamber. I hear my heart beat slowly fade and my breathing slows. Eventually I am devoid of all sensations, and yet there is still no response.
I am at peace. I am at war. I am war, herald of peace. I am peace, harbinger of war. I am dying to live. I am living to die.
I pull out and everything floods back into real time. Everything is surreal. No time has passed. Hours have passed. I see the first tendrils of sunshine peak over the horizon. They envelope the entirety of my vision. The entity is beckoning. I am alive. I am… well?
I dont know what the fuck is going on anymore. Im sure ill glean insight from this in time. Im going to watch the sunrise. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. They are my favorite. Its all so serene and peaceful. Its all i want to share with someone. The beauty, the fleeting feelings of sadness being eradicated and the growth of happiness and the seeds of love blossoming. Im numb. I feel everything but i am numb. I miss you. Im sorry.