For those of us struggling with mental illness, especially that of bi polar disorder, schizoaffective & schizophrenia as well as personality disorders, the hardship of keeping relationships stable in a constant sea of volatility is significant. Every day seems like things are either going to be fantastic or things are going to be a total shitshow. At least, that is my current situation. There are few days where I feel things are relatively normal, consisting of small a small ebb and flow like state of rapture. Instead, a state of desolateness and turmoil, like swells and droughts are what my normal consist of. Either too much or too little, never striking a true balance. Bliss inducing mania or crippling depression. My mood is ever fluctuating.
In the days as of late, I have recently found God, or at least I am on the path to rediscovering a relationship with it. Everyday I find myself being the sole person of blame for how volatile my relationships are, for how many bridges have been burned, for being so black and white in a grey world. I feel the piercing pain of the voices in my head screaming at me with a will of their own. Everyday is a new battle, and lately it seems the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
However, as I am trying to strengthen my bond with God, I believe in an attempt to stop me from committing and to show it listens, even when I was not faithful, it has reached out to me and sent me visions of things becoming better given time.
Everyday I get up is a new battle that I fear to lose, but i believe now i carry a lantern with me through the dark until I find my way again. Something to work with, and those are visions, or perhaps they are simply delusions. I do not care, they seem achievable, and give me motivation to continue with my goals of proving my love to those in my life. They give me the desire to look into others souls and let them know their pain isn’t for nothing.
I do hope brighter days are on the horizon, for I can not see them currently. I am still waiting to lock eyes with those I feel I have lost in my life, and let my soul do the talking in a way my mind cannot work. The amount of emotion, truth, hurt, and love that will pour from my eyes can not be fathomed.