Attempted suicide last night. I failed at it like everything else in life. I’m tired of being a fuck up. I just want to be successful or I want to be dead. I’m not okay with who I am. M and lots of others don’t want me around for the time being, & I can understand why. I place unecessary amounts of stress on them.
Nothing in life makes sense. I just want things to make sense.
I saw a man who wasnt there today. My thoughts are invaded. I can feel death around me everywhere. I see things I shouldnt be able to. I hear whispers in tongues. I feel animosity and ominosity suffocating me with every turn. I am terrified.
I was told in therapy that people who are mentally sick tend to be healthier than most when it comes to living life. What it came down to was passion, & apparently we are extremely passionate people. We just have issues with connecting our passion with our thoughts and actions. We need help in doing so, which is where therapy and medications come in. I was told people with mental illness have an exorbitant amount of passion for life due to the fact that we are unable to use it or we dont have it for periods of time due to being burned out and using up our neurotransmitters before we can replenish them. It makes sense to me. I am an extremely passionate person in all aspects of my life, & I outclass my peers or more deeply experience subjects with things I can actually can pour my passion into. It is just a rarity that I actually have the will to pour my passion into something because I constantly feel depleted of resources. I am devoid material that would allow my soul to blossom and flourish. I have all this passion yet cannot find the drive to pour it into something. I cannot find passion in what I want to do, so it sits in excess waiting for the right time. It comes out in bursts of anger or during intimacy with someone, yet never truly gets to be released.
I often wonder if I will ever reacquire the ability to find passion in all things in my life, or if I am doomed to be chained down by my illness and never set free. I am fearful for what may happen if I do not. I can only remain calm and collected for so long with the passion I have boiling inside me, yearning for release, before I explode. I simply want to show my love and appreciate for life because it is so beautiful, but instead I feel trapped inside a body that is devoid of life & i cannot continue to live like this. I don’t know where to go and what to do in order to free myself from whatever it is I am suffering from in terms of struggling with finding out how to apply my passion to and in life. I just want to be happy and show it.
I have completed my part in partial hospitalization as of today. The question remains if I feel like I still need it. Partial? No. Full inpatient? … Maybe. I am unsure. I keep having passive thoughts of offing myself, but I figured out after some discussion with the onsite psychiatrist that it is my baseline. I am likely to be genetically inclined to be more suicidal then my peers for some odd reason. My brain is apparently wired, when under distress, to be more active in suicidal ideation thoughts and I am more likely to carry them out. I am fighting this mass of evil that hangs over me valiantly, but I am still failing. I wonder if long term inpatient would be where I belong.. Maybe running away to an institution is what I should do. I don’t fucking understand or know anything anymore. My thoughts are obsessive and consuming. It feels like i am breathing ether more and more every day. I am fighting something I have no way to win against. It is exhausting but if I quit fighting then I die. I can only prolong death and perhaps choose what kills me. That is all.
I wonder what it is like to be normal and happy. Honestly, truly happy. Not manic. I wonder how amazing that must feel. To know you are not going to come back down and crash. It muse feel like heaven.
I cant stop remembering the breakup between M and I. I want so badly to go back into time and to tell myself to call her right after. To say what a mistake I have made, but that we still need to talk because i need to tell her the truth about my sins. I want so badly to be with her. I cant stand not being around her. She made me feel so alive. & it’s not to say I cant live without her, just that i do not want to do so. She made me feels ways that i cannot replicate. She made me feel whole and alive. She was the only one able to take me out of raging seas where I was drowning. She was the only one i was able to express how i was feeling to, though i didn’t do it often. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get past her, or even if I am supposed to. What if god’s plan is to have us be together, and I am just supposed to wait for her to heal? What if it is not though..? What does God want me to do? I am unsure. I do not consider myself a religious man, but I am deeply spiritual. My relationship with God has varied much in the past but it is stronger now than it ever has been before. I ask him to point me in the right direction, yet I hear no answer. I am lost without guidance. Some call it their gut instinct but I am unsure. My gut doesn’t give any insight into what is the correct choice. It lies mute every which way i go about it. I am so torn about what to do. I am unhappy with any choice I make and I cannot seem to change that aspect of this situation. I want what I cannot have. Her and I, nobody else. If that cant be then I simply want to be all by myself. I cannot emotionally deal with being alone though. I lack confidence in myself to find another. I don’t want to fill this void. I want to cope with it, but it is so vast in scope it seems an impossible task. I am not not one to back away from a challenge, but this particular one seems insurmountable. I simply want her back in my life, even if it is at a distance. I want her to warm up to me again. I am not so changed that everything she loved about me is now decrepit and gone. I am still me, better even than before because I have realized my shortcomings and made great strives to improve them. I have worked on my strong points: my dry humor, my intellect, my ability to cheer those up around me with seeming ease, my warm aura that I am told I radiate. I have worked with what skeleton I have and began attaching muscles to it in hopes of showing progress that I am not the same naive and heartbreaking kid I was before. I have done so much internal reflection and growing up the past 6 months. This half a year has felt like a lifetime, and I can no longer take it. The results I seek will probably take years, however I want them now. I work without break to achieve them. I put in countless hours, countless days I have lost sleep working tirelessly through the night in mediative states, racking the interior of my mind and memories. I piece together events where I was not myself, I empathize with those I have hurt, yet no sense of being content comes to my mind to keep me at ease. Only more worry, more self hate. Nobody knows my struggle I go through day to day, the fight I have with myself over how easy it would be to walk down the street at night and jump into the street, how easy it would be to overdose on medication that i was warned could kill me, how easy it would to simply fall on a blade. Nobody knows, and they need not know. I am a walking paradox. So full of optimism and hope, yet devoid of it at the same time. I know nothing awaits me in life and I am bound to live a life of solitude in anguish and despair because I do not deserve happiness. I throw away all that comes my way sooner or later. Yet, I know i actually don’t know this and it is not set in stone. I cannot help but feel this way though. I am so distraught, I cannot think clearly. No voices are telling me to do things currently. I hear them still, scratching under the surface, mumbling useless nonsense. They are nothing more than a nuisance i block my from psyche now, yet undertones of them linger and affect me greatly. I cannot tell if they are auditory or not… sometimes I feel as if I actually hear them whispering in my ears, other times it reverberates inside my skull, not loud enough to cause pain, only discomfort. However, they don’t go away, and that discomfort drives me to madness sometimes.
I simply want to hear her voice. When I do, the others go away. I want to feel release and happiness again. I feel I cant currently. I need help desperately in saving myself from the storm that rages within.
I’ve been in partial hospitilaztion treatment the past week and the week before that I was sulking in my own sorrow unable to find words to write to explain how I feel. I am considering inpatient hospitilaztion again. I feel worthless. I feel like I am heading nowhere even though I put in massive amounts of work and I have goals I am aiming for. I honestly feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I toy with the idea of leaving everything and everyone behind and going to live someplace else. I toy with the idea of risks. I toy with the idea of death. Lately my thoughts have been dark in nature and strange in tone. I am so optimistic about life yet part of my mind drags me to the depths of hell. I believe that I make progress with people, yet I also believe they do nothing but lie to me & want to hurt me. I believe they want to see me fail and hurt like they have. I know it’s probably not true, but that doesn’t stop part of me from feeling that way. I have so many feelings and yet I have nobody to share them with when I feel them. I am depleted of energy, & nobody seems willing to give me a chance. I miss those who once held me close. I miss them so much. I still hold them so close to my heart though they are moving away from me, or rather I have pushed them away from me due to who I am or because of what I have done. There is no other word to describe my feelings except sorrow. I have reaped what I have sown and now I am starving. I no longer see a spark in my soul when I make eye contact with the man in the mirror. I see nothing but darkness that is everlasting and consuming all that radiates light. I cannot find the spark on my own, yet everyone expects me to be okay on my own. That is not possible. I am broken. I need someone to believe in me, yet nobody will. I need help, yet the kind I seek out does nothing. I feel so desperate. I am told people are here for me but I do not believe them, nor do I want to trouble them. My issues are my own, though this mentality is what got here in the first place. Bottling everything up and keeping secrets from my loved ones. I don’t know how else to do things because I feel so alone in this world. The despair is crushing my world & limiting whatever ground I could potentially gain. I cannot lift this cloud. I am sinking to the bottom of a raging sea, my ship capsized, yet people see me falling and make no attempt to help. It is like I am a lost cause, and that feeling makes me feel worthless.
I have been having visions of death. Death for myself, death for my soul. I am hurting so badly my soul is screaming in anguish. I cannot take this anymore, the punishment I have brought upon myself is too great, my sins too vast, yet I must lie awake at night and realize this. I must realize what I have done and try and figure out how to make things right. My mind is blank. I am grasping at thin air hoping for a miracle to happen. The silence of my soul is deafening. I fear I am beyond the point of redemption & I am following the path of damnation. This path leads to death and death eternal. I can’t take my eyes off the path and my feet keep walking forward on coals that only continue to grow hotter. I don’t know what to do. I am lost.
My ability to work independently has been compromised. I cannot be somewhere even with a person 50 feet away. I always feel like I am being hunted. Watched. Stalked. I see shadows move in my vision that I can not determine if they are real or not. I see a leering face just out of reach, someone in a white mask.
I have irrational fears for a grownup, feelings of having a demon snatch me up or hurt me when I am alone. I feel as if I am a forsaken angel and the visions I have from God are trying to guide me back to reality. I do not feel… Human. Not do I feel supernatural. I feel like I am the result of something in between a bond between the two. Something that was not meant to be. I am cursed.
None of this makes any sense and I am rambling. I don’t know why… I just feel the need to talk for some reason. Nobody even listens. Nobody ever does.
I am an anomaly. Self aware enough to know something is wrong, to know what I see and feel is not real, but I cannot stop myself from seeing, from hearing, from believing. From feeling like everything that happening is real. I tell myself that this is all a facade. That none of this is real..
So why do I constantly feel on edge and why am I fighting with myself..?