Depression and Despair

I’ve been in partial hospitilaztion treatment the past week and the week before that I was sulking in my own sorrow unable to find words to write to explain how I feel. I am considering inpatient hospitilaztion again. I feel worthless. I feel like I am heading nowhere even though I put in massive amounts of work and I have goals I am aiming for. I honestly feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I toy with the idea of leaving everything and everyone behind and going to live someplace else. I toy with the idea of risks. I toy with the idea of death. Lately my thoughts have been dark in nature and strange in tone. I am so optimistic about life yet part of my mind drags me to the depths of hell. I believe that I make progress with people, yet I also believe they do nothing but lie to me & want to hurt me. I believe they want to see me fail and hurt like they have. I know it’s probably not true, but that doesn’t stop part of me from feeling that way. I have so many feelings and yet I have nobody to share them with when I feel them. I am depleted of energy, & nobody seems willing to give me a chance. I miss those who once held me close. I miss them so much. I still hold them so close to my heart though they are moving away from me, or rather I have pushed them away from me due to who I am or because of what I have done. There is no other word to describe my feelings except sorrow. I have reaped what I have sown and now I am starving. I no longer see a spark in my soul when I make eye contact with the man in the mirror. I see nothing but darkness that is everlasting and consuming all that radiates light. I cannot find the spark on my own, yet everyone expects me to be okay on my own. That is not possible. I am broken. I need someone to believe in me, yet nobody will. I need help, yet the kind I seek out does nothing. I feel so desperate. I am told people are here for me but I do not believe them, nor do I want to trouble them. My issues are my own, though this mentality is what got here in the first place. Bottling everything up and keeping secrets from my loved ones. I don’t know how else to do things because I feel so alone in this world. The despair is crushing my world & limiting whatever ground I could potentially gain. I cannot lift this cloud. I am sinking to the bottom of a raging sea, my ship capsized, yet people see me falling and make no attempt to help. It is like I am a lost cause, and that feeling makes me feel worthless.
I have been having visions of death. Death for myself, death for my soul. I am hurting so badly my soul is screaming in anguish. I cannot take this anymore, the punishment I have brought upon myself is too great, my sins too vast, yet I must lie awake at night and realize this. I must realize what I have done and try and figure out how to make things right. My mind is blank. I am grasping at thin air hoping for a miracle to happen. The silence of my soul is deafening. I fear I am beyond the point of redemption & I am following the path of damnation. This path leads to death and death eternal. I can’t take my eyes off the path and my feet keep walking forward on coals that only continue to grow hotter. I don’t know what to do. I am lost.

One comment

  1. Wow. You express yourself so well. It’s raw and has a great impact. I can relate to so many things you’ve said. Feeling like a walking contradiction is difficult. That last paragraph was a shot to the heart for me. It seems you are taking the right steps in discovering who you are even in your dark places.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s