I cant stop remembering the breakup between M and I. I want so badly to go back into time and to tell myself to call her right after. To say what a mistake I have made, but that we still need to talk because i need to tell her the truth about my sins. I want so badly to be with her. I cant stand not being around her. She made me feel so alive. & it’s not to say I cant live without her, just that i do not want to do so. She made me feels ways that i cannot replicate. She made me feel whole and alive. She was the only one able to take me out of raging seas where I was drowning. She was the only one i was able to express how i was feeling to, though i didn’t do it often. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get past her, or even if I am supposed to. What if god’s plan is to have us be together, and I am just supposed to wait for her to heal? What if it is not though..? What does God want me to do? I am unsure. I do not consider myself a religious man, but I am deeply spiritual. My relationship with God has varied much in the past but it is stronger now than it ever has been before. I ask him to point me in the right direction, yet I hear no answer. I am lost without guidance. Some call it their gut instinct but I am unsure. My gut doesn’t give any insight into what is the correct choice. It lies mute every which way i go about it. I am so torn about what to do. I am unhappy with any choice I make and I cannot seem to change that aspect of this situation. I want what I cannot have. Her and I, nobody else. If that cant be then I simply want to be all by myself. I cannot emotionally deal with being alone though. I lack confidence in myself to find another. I don’t want to fill this void. I want to cope with it, but it is so vast in scope it seems an impossible task. I am not not one to back away from a challenge, but this particular one seems insurmountable. I simply want her back in my life, even if it is at a distance. I want her to warm up to me again. I am not so changed that everything she loved about me is now decrepit and gone. I am still me, better even than before because I have realized my shortcomings and made great strives to improve them. I have worked on my strong points: my dry humor, my intellect, my ability to cheer those up around me with seeming ease, my warm aura that I am told I radiate. I have worked with what skeleton I have and began attaching muscles to it in hopes of showing progress that I am not the same naive and heartbreaking kid I was before. I have done so much internal reflection and growing up the past 6 months. This half a year has felt like a lifetime, and I can no longer take it. The results I seek will probably take years, however I want them now. I work without break to achieve them. I put in countless hours, countless days I have lost sleep working tirelessly through the night in mediative states, racking the interior of my mind and memories. I piece together events where I was not myself, I empathize with those I have hurt, yet no sense of being content comes to my mind to keep me at ease. Only more worry, more self hate. Nobody knows my struggle I go through day to day, the fight I have with myself over how easy it would be to walk down the street at night and jump into the street, how easy it would be to overdose on medication that i was warned could kill me, how easy it would to simply fall on a blade. Nobody knows, and they need not know. I am a walking paradox. So full of optimism and hope, yet devoid of it at the same time. I know nothing awaits me in life and I am bound to live a life of solitude in anguish and despair because I do not deserve happiness. I throw away all that comes my way sooner or later. Yet, I know i actually don’t know this and it is not set in stone. I cannot help but feel this way though. I am so distraught, I cannot think clearly. No voices are telling me to do things currently. I hear them still, scratching under the surface, mumbling useless nonsense. They are nothing more than a nuisance i block my from psyche now, yet undertones of them linger and affect me greatly. I cannot tell if they are auditory or not… sometimes I feel as if I actually hear them whispering in my ears, other times it reverberates inside my skull, not loud enough to cause pain, only discomfort. However, they don’t go away, and that discomfort drives me to madness sometimes.
I simply want to hear her voice. When I do, the others go away. I want to feel release and happiness again. I feel I cant currently. I need help desperately in saving myself from the storm that rages within.