I have completed my part in partial hospitalization as of today. The question remains if I feel like I still need it. Partial? No. Full inpatient? … Maybe. I am unsure. I keep having passive thoughts of offing myself, but I figured out after some discussion with the onsite psychiatrist that it is my baseline. I am likely to be genetically inclined to be more suicidal then my peers for some odd reason. My brain is apparently wired, when under distress, to be more active in suicidal ideation thoughts and I am more likely to carry them out. I am fighting this mass of evil that hangs over me valiantly, but I am still failing. I wonder if long term inpatient would be where I belong.. Maybe running away to an institution is what I should do. I don’t fucking understand or know anything anymore. My thoughts are obsessive and consuming. It feels like i am breathing ether more and more every day. I am fighting something I have no way to win against. It is exhausting but if I quit fighting then I die. I can only prolong death and perhaps choose what kills me. That is all.
I wonder what it is like to be normal and happy. Honestly, truly happy. Not manic. I wonder how amazing that must feel. To know you are not going to come back down and crash. It muse feel like heaven.