Formal Reality

I keep hallucinating randomly. I see myself dying over and over and over and over again. I can’t tell whats real and whats not. I can’t tell if I’m having premonitions sent by God that this is what is to come or simply God telling me I need to fucking kill myself and I need to do it soon because fuck me. Im a piece of shit. I deserve to fucking die. God has a high degree of Formal Reality. I believe God exists and I also believe God is a fucking asshole who pulls peoples strings for shits and giggles because who the fuck is going to stop God. God cannot be all good because he was the birth of evil. Fuck you Christians. How is something all good and all powerful also the creator of ultimate betrayal and evil. Of sin. Again, fuck you Christians.

God is an idea that we give power to. Even if we don’t believe we still grasp the concept that others believe in God. That gives God free reign over all of us, despite the fact that not all of us believe in God. Everyone believes in something. That something is God, just behind different faces. Allah, Buddha, The Devas and Asuras, Pagan Gods, God itself, The Big Bang, Evolution. It’s all just a face of God. Who happens to be a total fucking asshole and a clown. But It controls everything and it does so at its own whim.

My reality is distorted I know that much. Right now I have a moment of clarity. I can think and I know what I’m thinking and I know that it is real. What I don’t know is what was real in the past or what is real in the future. I don’t know If my hallucinations are real. They feel real. They happen. How am I to decide if its a message from God or not. Right now I feel like killing myself, so maybe they are actually premonitions and this is what is going to happen. Maybe I am God and Im just fucking with myself and Ill go kill myself and have a laugh and say wow that was fun and reincarnate and do the same thing over again when i get fucking bored because watching others misery is fun and watching others die is also fun. At least that’s what I think God thinks. Maybe it’s Satan. I’ve no fucking clue. Maybe its a pure Asura. Maybe Buddha fucking offed himself and thats how he reached nirvana. It would explain why the suicide rate of the Japanese is so fucking high.

Im just so fucking lost and confused and feel so hopeless but I also feel like if I kill myself maybe things will go back to normal and Ill wake from this dream and things will be okay. Because honestly it feels like I’ve been living a night terror for months now. Fuck everything.

What I feel has a high degree of Formal Reality and since my emotions are depthless or unfathomable or so vast in scope they blot out all you see, I would also say they have a high degree of objective reality. Descartes would be proud. Fuck you.

Small thoughts Big thoughts

While roofing yesterday I busy getting lost in thought. Sometimes it can be mindless, especially the clean up. We tore off an entire section of a roof yesterday, so think a massive pile of them. Whilst picking them up and bringing them down the hill to the dump truck I began to notice, or rather think about how this connected my life. You see, all the large shingles were heavy, but once you got done with them, that was it. No more dealing with them. The small pieces though, the nails and small scrap/debris, they were constantly causing trouble. They were falling back out of the piles i made and picked up, they were slipping through the cracks in my fingers and making life difficult. Somewhere during this I connected it to my life.

Its massive exertion moving the shingles, or dealing with the big problems in life, but once you’re done with them, thats it. You’ve conquered that enemy. The small scrap bits however, those are the little battles in life that add up over time. The ones that constantly beat you up while you don’t pay attention. The ones that you can never really deal with, just get enough done to not worry about it too much.

It’s a lot like a hard breakup. You can get over it initially. Thats the really hard part, but once thats done, you’re better. Its the small stuff, the realization you do everything alone now again. You sleep alone, you eat alone, you go do daily tasks alone. Its these things that weigh heavily on my mind. It’s these things that make life so difficult even though they are small in scope.

The big things in life aren’t really that bad. Its the little things that get us down and make us miss what once was. The big picture isn’t so bad until you look at the details and realize some of the puzzle pieces are missing.

People don’t seem to understand the rage I have caged inside of me. They think they can relate, but they can’t. I bathe in rage. It always finds its way into every thought, every passing moment I find it lurking there. Every scenario i’ve dreamed about, envisioned in my head as I do something mindless, and even during ones that require intense focus. Its there. Traipsing. It stalks me with no motive other than to just be present. I envision murder for no reason, death for no reason, maiming others for no reason. Lashing out and burning bridges, for no reason other than to sate the beast. I feel so out of control. I’m afraid what I dream will come true, or perhaps I fear that I am already on the path of making it a reality.

I am not a violent or bitter person. I am not angry. I just have a rage inside so vast in scope it blots out reason and morality. It destroys and corrupts all it touches.

I do not know where it stems from. It’s always been there. I’ve used it for fuel, thinking one day maybe it will run out, but all thats done has made its depth unfathomable. It knows no bounds, and its always increasing. It strikes fear into my heart, because I am afraid I will hurt the ones I love. I know I will hurt the ones I love.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Life

I miss dating. I miss intimacy. I miss having someone down for me. I miss being part of someones soul and mind. I miss kissing. I miss laying down and staring endlessly into one another eyes.

I want that again, but I refuse to give myself that because it would be unfair to try and have that with how I am currently in my mental state. It would be selfish.

Past -> Present -> Future

All my life I’ve ran from or denied any problems that have come my way. From being beaten to sexually assaulted and held down and made fun of for being a young boy. From being emotionally tormented and told I’d never amount to shit or a prison number. From chaos in my life at home to school. From mistakes made in relationships.

All I’ve ever done is run. Run away from it all. All my life I’ve done a damn good job at running too. I’ve only let the past catch me a couple times, but god damn when it did… it was beyond fucking brutal.

It is the worst thing to happen to me. It goes beyond each individual experience because they all meld together to form one soul crushing behemoth that blacks out my vision and has driven me to try and commit suicide. Multiple times. Each one a failure. Each one a permanent mark in the back of my mind about a time where I felt so weak, so overcome with emotion and memories of past events that all I wanted was a way out of the dark. The way I chose was a permanent darkness.

Im not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I realize that I have problems I need to deal with. Demons I need to confront and get comfortable with.

You can’t kill memories though. Every time you try they just come back stronger, with a maelstrom of emotion and eyes full of rage. They snuff out that beacon of hope you carry within in. For a while you wander around in the dark, sometimes losing out all hope of ever relighting that beacon, and you just want the dark to go away. You want all the misery and rage and sorrow to leave. So you try and do that in any way possible. Some people drink their lives away, some get high stay high, mixing downers with uppers. Some people get so overwhelmed they think putting a bullet in their head is the only way out, or maybe jumping in front of a car, or swallowing their entire months supply of medication. I know some of these have all at some point in time been my way out.

I’ve been the drinker. I’ve been that guy that can’t seem to stay sober and gets high all the time. I’ve been that guy thats been at his temple with a .40. I’ve been that guy thats tried to jump out in front of traffic. Im the one who took 60 pills and hoped i’d never wake up.

All that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, it never did. It’s something that has happened, and I can’t change that fact of my life. I think about how lost I was in the dark, how alone and afraid I’ve been, and how hopeless I’ve felt. All I think about after that is “will this come to pass again?” “Next time, am I going to be successful with something for the first time in my life?” It consumes my mind. It turns it into this black hole of oblivion that nothing escapes from and it blocks out all other thoughts.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be in the dark again. Im terrified of the dark. Nyctophobia is the name for it. I can’t be in the dark mentally or physically without becoming overcome with the fear of whats out there, or whats going to happen. It’s bad enough having to live with it, but the mental strain of never knowing when something is going to to trigger me into a downward spiral keeps me on the verge of panic.

Right now I’m just lost and terrified of whats coming next, because I honestly have no idea. I hate the unknown. I always have. I think that’s where my fear of the dark comes from.

I think I’m at a turning point in my life though. Things have been happening where I can’t change the outcome no matter how hard I try. People are removing me from their lives. I can’t do anything to change any of this, and honestly I feel so lost and hopeless. I feel like I’m in the dark even though my beacon is still lit. I just am afraid of what my next step is because I’m so close to the edge of living dangerously that I’m afraid my best decision will actually be my worst. I won’t know until I try though, and because of that I need to make decisions and I need to experience life and go out and do things. I need to stay away from oblivion.

I am uncertain about the future. Hell, I don’t even know whats going on in the present. All I can really hope for is for everything to work out, and for people to welcome me back in their lives. With or without hesitation, I don’t care, I just want people back in my life for me. So I can have more relationships with people, so I can feel comfortable with others, so I can feel like I belong. I just want to be happy, and my entire life i’ve been running from that too, because I don’t know what it actually feels like to be happy.

Happiness is one of those things where its the greatest thing in the world when its present. Take happiness away though. All you’re left with is a sense of yearning for once what was. Sorrow and anxiety come to take its place. Fear is another. You’re left with this terrible concoction of emotions all because a great one went away. That’s why I’m terrified of happiness, because once it’s gone I’m afraid my light will go too, and because of that I am afraid of what I might do.

 

I’m not exactly sure what I hoped to accomplish with this but I hope I did accomplish it. I wonder what life entails..

Reality

There are approximately 3.5 billion people on this planet with the gender of female. There are 31.5 million women between the ages of 18-24 in America alone. Why am I stressing over 1 girl from my hometown who has moved on, when their are literally millions of women out there. It makes no sense and I’m done obsessing over something that will never happen. Ill relapse probably but I’m okay with that. I’ll get past that.

In the meantime Ill probably just try and drown myself in women. Maybe I’ll find one that likes me and I like her. Maybe I wont. Thats okay. Im going to be okay with that. I need to experience other people. I need to live life when I’m 19 and stop chasing after this 40 year old one im hellbent on making a reality.

I don’t know. It’s weird though.

Stupefied

I’ve been so apathetic the past few days it seems as if absolutely nothing in this world means anything to me. I simply want to lie in bed & close my eyes as I hope for sleep to take me. I’m perplexed as to what spurred this phenomenon. I felt lively just last week, maybe a little manic, but thats besides the point. It just seems out of nowhere I simply cannot care about a single god damned thing in my life, yet at the same time I cannot stop thinking about how I don’t care and why I actually should. You see, my mind is constantly analyzing every detail about every thing, no matter what it is:

The fabric of my linens dont all flow together perfectly, the people in my life are not acting how I expect them to, am I ever going to get my life together, am I going to go for 7 hours and 40 minutes of sleep or just a solid 8, will I be able to sleep at all, there is a shirt that isnt in its right spot hanging up in my closet and even though I cant see it,

it drives me mad. All of it does. Some of this is normal, some of it not so much and is part of my disorder.

I don’t actually care about any of it, yet I do in the sense that I am obsessing over things that I have no desire to try and change or actually worry about. It is exhausting. Suddenly not caring about anything with simultaneously worrying about absolutely everything is a recipe for disaster. It’s just a matter of time before I implode under the mental stress of it all, but honestly I’m not worried about it.

Update on her

I keep thinking about M and its driving me fucking insane. Thoughts are intrusive and frequent. I just want her out of my fucking head, I want to move on, I want to be done with this bullshit. It’s over, so why can’t I get past that aspect? What is there holding me back..? I’ve no fucking clue, but it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off.

I just want to move on like she did. I want to see new people and not feel guilty. I want to have casual relations and not have flashbacks to my time spent with her. I just want her out of my fucking skull.

Her smile is burned into my vision. I meet the gaze she used to give me everyday inside my mind, one of amazment & total love and devotion. I hear her laugh randomly when doing day to day tasks. Its fucking bullshit. I hate it. I hate that I still love her. For no reason. It drives me mad. It makes me never want to love again if I face feeling this way every time something doesnt work out. I cant deal with this fucking shit. Im so heartbroken over a girl at 19, i cant imagine what its going to be like when im 33 and a woman im in love with tells me she wants a divorce. Im going to fucking die. Im going to curl into a ball and Im going to die from a broken heart. Jesus fuck im so scared of love. Its so wonderful but it hurts so damn bad. How do people cope with loss like this? I still feel like I ripped half of my soul out and burned it alive. I did this to myself and I can’t imagine what its going to be like when someone else does it for me. Im terrified.

Update

I was diagnosed with OCPD (Obessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder) and have come closer to a firm diagnosis for schizoaffective bipolar type. I’m not sure what solace I find in knowing my diagnosis, but it helps keep me grounded and helps me attack the problem head on.

I had to tell me psychologist I attemepted suicide. Rough.

I keep hearing murming and laughter randomly. I’m starting to get agitiated with it. I’m really fucking tired of hearing shit that isnt there. It got old fast. Its just constant fucking chatter, then deafining silence. No inbetween. God I hate it so much.