Over the last couple years I have had what some claim to be dejà vu. A feeling of having been in a place or experiencing something before it has happened. My mind tells me that it is a fallacy and simply your brain making sense of a situation and having neurons fire and synapses connect. However, part of me believes that I actually had dejà vu. I did see something before it happened in my mind. Part of me knows things I shouldn’t. Or do I really? I don’t know. Nothing makes sense right now. Has it really ever though? Im afraid I don’t remember anymore. I can’t differentiate between whats real and whats not. I cycle in and out of psychosis seemingly conscious of it but only realizing when I’m back in my body.
My visions lately have been violent and brutal in nature. I’ve had night terrors of death. Death of myself, of people I love, of people I hate. Of everyone. I’ve seen the apocalypse from start to finish time and time again, I no longer question when it will come to pass. I’ve seen in my minds eye what is to come. Nothing but death and damnation, torment and pain on a scale that few can even begin to imagine must less comprehend. It terrifies me because I feel like I am the only one being given these visions. I can’t tell if its demons or if its God, or both simultaneously.
Sometimes I feel like I am chosen to be someone of importance. I know its all nonsense right now, but sooner rather than later, I go back to believing it again.
My dreams, sometimes while I am awake and staring at the void in front of me, have been increasingly violent. I kill people. I enjoy it.
I’ve always wondered what it is like to take another life, and if I am being honest, I don’t fear these thoughts. Some people deserve to die. Why should I not be the one to do so? I am chosen by God or by demon to be someone of great importance. I know I am, but I know I am not. I am at war with myself and I can’t tell if its with my psyche or my soul. Everything feels out of place yet everything feels like it is falling into place. Im so confused.
My last dream was about murdering someone who has wronged me and others I use to care for. He treats women like shit and deserves to die for his transgressions. In my dreams I kill him. Sometimes with guns, other times i literally tear his head off. Its always the same time of year though. September. With that time approaching I can only wonder if what I see is going to come to pass, and if so, will I get away with it? I fear these thoughts but embrace them wholeheartedly. Something is wrong with me, yet I am okay with it. There is a switch in my head that is broken. I just don’t know what it goes to.