Update on her

I keep thinking about M and its driving me fucking insane. Thoughts are intrusive and frequent. I just want her out of my fucking head, I want to move on, I want to be done with this bullshit. It’s over, so why can’t I get past that aspect? What is there holding me back..? I’ve no fucking clue, but it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off.

I just want to move on like she did. I want to see new people and not feel guilty. I want to have casual relations and not have flashbacks to my time spent with her. I just want her out of my fucking skull.

Her smile is burned into my vision. I meet the gaze she used to give me everyday inside my mind, one of amazment & total love and devotion. I hear her laugh randomly when doing day to day tasks. Its fucking bullshit. I hate it. I hate that I still love her. For no reason. It drives me mad. It makes me never want to love again if I face feeling this way every time something doesnt work out. I cant deal with this fucking shit. Im so heartbroken over a girl at 19, i cant imagine what its going to be like when im 33 and a woman im in love with tells me she wants a divorce. Im going to fucking die. Im going to curl into a ball and Im going to die from a broken heart. Jesus fuck im so scared of love. Its so wonderful but it hurts so damn bad. How do people cope with loss like this? I still feel like I ripped half of my soul out and burned it alive. I did this to myself and I can’t imagine what its going to be like when someone else does it for me. Im terrified.

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