I’ve been so apathetic the past few days it seems as if absolutely nothing in this world means anything to me. I simply want to lie in bed & close my eyes as I hope for sleep to take me. I’m perplexed as to what spurred this phenomenon. I felt lively just last week, maybe a little manic, but thats besides the point. It just seems out of nowhere I simply cannot care about a single god damned thing in my life, yet at the same time I cannot stop thinking about how I don’t care and why I actually should. You see, my mind is constantly analyzing every detail about every thing, no matter what it is:
The fabric of my linens dont all flow together perfectly, the people in my life are not acting how I expect them to, am I ever going to get my life together, am I going to go for 7 hours and 40 minutes of sleep or just a solid 8, will I be able to sleep at all, there is a shirt that isnt in its right spot hanging up in my closet and even though I cant see it,
it drives me mad. All of it does. Some of this is normal, some of it not so much and is part of my disorder.
I don’t actually care about any of it, yet I do in the sense that I am obsessing over things that I have no desire to try and change or actually worry about. It is exhausting. Suddenly not caring about anything with simultaneously worrying about absolutely everything is a recipe for disaster. It’s just a matter of time before I implode under the mental stress of it all, but honestly I’m not worried about it.