I keep hallucinating randomly. I see myself dying over and over and over and over again. I can’t tell whats real and whats not. I can’t tell if I’m having premonitions sent by God that this is what is to come or simply God telling me I need to fucking kill myself and I need to do it soon because fuck me. Im a piece of shit. I deserve to fucking die. God has a high degree of Formal Reality. I believe God exists and I also believe God is a fucking asshole who pulls peoples strings for shits and giggles because who the fuck is going to stop God. God cannot be all good because he was the birth of evil. Fuck you Christians. How is something all good and all powerful also the creator of ultimate betrayal and evil. Of sin. Again, fuck you Christians.
God is an idea that we give power to. Even if we don’t believe we still grasp the concept that others believe in God. That gives God free reign over all of us, despite the fact that not all of us believe in God. Everyone believes in something. That something is God, just behind different faces. Allah, Buddha, The Devas and Asuras, Pagan Gods, God itself, The Big Bang, Evolution. It’s all just a face of God. Who happens to be a total fucking asshole and a clown. But It controls everything and it does so at its own whim.
My reality is distorted I know that much. Right now I have a moment of clarity. I can think and I know what I’m thinking and I know that it is real. What I don’t know is what was real in the past or what is real in the future. I don’t know If my hallucinations are real. They feel real. They happen. How am I to decide if its a message from God or not. Right now I feel like killing myself, so maybe they are actually premonitions and this is what is going to happen. Maybe I am God and Im just fucking with myself and Ill go kill myself and have a laugh and say wow that was fun and reincarnate and do the same thing over again when i get fucking bored because watching others misery is fun and watching others die is also fun. At least that’s what I think God thinks. Maybe it’s Satan. I’ve no fucking clue. Maybe its a pure Asura. Maybe Buddha fucking offed himself and thats how he reached nirvana. It would explain why the suicide rate of the Japanese is so fucking high.
Im just so fucking lost and confused and feel so hopeless but I also feel like if I kill myself maybe things will go back to normal and Ill wake from this dream and things will be okay. Because honestly it feels like I’ve been living a night terror for months now. Fuck everything.
What I feel has a high degree of Formal Reality and since my emotions are depthless or unfathomable or so vast in scope they blot out all you see, I would also say they have a high degree of objective reality. Descartes would be proud. Fuck you.