Over the last couple years I have had what some claim to be dejà vu. A feeling of having been in a place or experiencing something before it has happened. My mind tells me that it is a fallacy and simply your brain making sense of a situation and having neurons fire and synapses connect. However, part of me believes that I actually had dejà vu. I did see something before it happened in my mind. Part of me knows things I shouldn’t. Or do I really? I don’t know. Nothing makes sense right now. Has it really ever though? Im afraid I don’t remember anymore. I can’t differentiate between whats real and whats not. I cycle in and out of psychosis seemingly conscious of it but only realizing when I’m back in my body.
My visions lately have been violent and brutal in nature. I’ve had night terrors of death. Death of myself, of people I love, of people I hate. Of everyone. I’ve seen the apocalypse from start to finish time and time again, I no longer question when it will come to pass. I’ve seen in my minds eye what is to come. Nothing but death and damnation, torment and pain on a scale that few can even begin to imagine must less comprehend. It terrifies me because I feel like I am the only one being given these visions. I can’t tell if its demons or if its God, or both simultaneously.
Sometimes I feel like I am chosen to be someone of importance. I know its all nonsense right now, but sooner rather than later, I go back to believing it again.
My dreams, sometimes while I am awake and staring at the void in front of me, have been increasingly violent. I kill people. I enjoy it.
I’ve always wondered what it is like to take another life, and if I am being honest, I don’t fear these thoughts. Some people deserve to die. Why should I not be the one to do so? I am chosen by God or by demon to be someone of great importance. I know I am, but I know I am not. I am at war with myself and I can’t tell if its with my psyche or my soul. Everything feels out of place yet everything feels like it is falling into place. Im so confused.
My last dream was about murdering someone who has wronged me and others I use to care for. He treats women like shit and deserves to die for his transgressions. In my dreams I kill him. Sometimes with guns, other times i literally tear his head off. Its always the same time of year though. September. With that time approaching I can only wonder if what I see is going to come to pass, and if so, will I get away with it? I fear these thoughts but embrace them wholeheartedly. Something is wrong with me, yet I am okay with it. There is a switch in my head that is broken. I just don’t know what it goes to.
I close my eyes and can feel eyes on me. I move and feel hot breath on my neck. I listen and I hear and feel a heartbear that is not my own. I look and feel eyes stare back in malice This is what terror feels like. When sleep does come it wont bring release, only more torment.
I am going full off the deep end and plunging into the unknown of the future. Im trying to let go of everything in the past and just focus on myself for once. Fuck everything else, i need to take care of my own. All my life I have clung to the past, because it was the only thing I knew that was certain. I am terrified of the unknown, of not having control over my life and what is going to happen to me, over how others perceive me. In my head i hear the thunderous pounding of a swelling river of emotion, freed from its flood gates. It is no longer just mind blackening rage. Crippling fear and a dense mist of confusion have joined the fray. What comes from this I can’t begin to comprehend. My life is going to change drastically. I imagine it to be like sleep, where it happens slowly then all at once. I could be wrong. I am not okay with that.
I feel like I’m treading the waters of River Styx, aware of the fact that their are demons in my head yet unaware of how many and what form they are in. I’ve kept them locked away beyond the dark rooms, inside pandoras box; I am terrified of not being able to control them, of letting them loose beyond the dark. Their voices echo around in the caverns of my head and sometimes when I speak they answer back.
The past few days I have found myself seething with an anger that knows no bounds. It drips off every word I speak, it shadows every movememnt I make, it consumes my thoughts and I cannot expel visions of violence from my psyche. I do not mind it though; in fact I embrace it. I remember back to a time when I used anger as a fuel for everything in my life. For years it has lain dormant, a maelstrom of anguish simply waiting to be unleashed again. It has gained larger reservoirs in the time that has past. It has exceeded its prison and now it spills over into everything I do without consent, creating a dangerous concotion of emotions that will lead either to annihilation of what I am trying to accomplish or towards a zenith in my life. That is the only thing that terrifies me. I am unsure of which line I currently walk. Sometimes success feels so close when in reality you are destroying everything you’ve worked so hard for. Other times you are sure youre destroying everything when in fact you are repairing old bridges and building new ones. This confusion only turns my frustration into rage. It is a neverending cycle and what was there before to keep me in place and keep me grounded is now gone. That is not their fault though. I have pushed them away, and I know now my rage has caused a rift between that may never be repaired. I am so angry with myself. I don’t know what to do, how to repair the damage I’ve caused, how to turn my rage into a weapon I can wield instead of an all consuming maw of oblivion. Once I figure out how to control and wield my rage I will be unstoppable in all I seek out to conquer. I just need to figure out how the fuck to do this. Im at a loss though. I’m at the mercy of rage for the time being. I pray to God that it will guide me to repair instead of destroy.
Part of me died 2 nights ago. Physically I didn’t. Mentally, part of me is dead & gone. I will never let emotions get the best of me again. The only way to beat emotional manipulation from yourself and others is to be dead inside. I don’t need people anymore to feel like I am worth something. I don’t want to feel like I need people. I’m going to be the best at everything I do & I don’t care how I accomplish it. Ethics are being thrown out the window along with morals. There is no true good in this world, just evil with a mask. Love is false. It’s simply a desire to feel needed and to feel like you haven’t done wrong. When you are loved you don’t feel bad about the wrong you’ve done. Fuck all that, I’m done loving. All love has done is drive me mad. I’m not letting it consume me. My passion & drive for success is the only thing that I will love. I am done.