I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with the past, more so just in constant wonderment about what could have been if I had not fucked things up and figuring out why I fucked up. I think about the past more than the future, and that’s probably why I keep making mistakes. I’m too focused on what’s behind me and and can’t pay enough attention to what lies before me. I don’t know why it’s like this. I just want to change the past. I don’t like where I’m at currently and know if I hadn’t made the mistakes I have, then I would be happy now instead of constantly wondering how I’m going to off myself and not giving a shit about who it affects.

I’m selfish in a very particular way. I give all I have to give, but I only do so to provoke a reaction I will like. I manipulate people to make me feel better about myself. I don’t actually cause them to do anything. I don’t make them do things they will regret. I just evoke particular reactions and emotions that make me feel good about myself. My self worth comes from whether or not people like me. So I manipulate them by giving all I have and doing whatever they want in order to receive a reaction that makes me feel worth something and loved. It’s something I don’t know how to change. It’s depressing in its entirety and  out of control.

It backfired on me. The relationship I poured everything into and the girl I fell in love with broke. It fell apart due to my inability to talk to about my feelings due to fear of rejection and evoking emotions of distrust and anger. I wanted her to feel nothing but love and bliss. Pleasure and trust. Instead my selfishness caused that to fail. Yet I still try with her doing the same exact thing. It’s pitiful. It is unbearable. It makes me not want to feel at all. In fact I’ve decided I won’t feel anymore. I give up on all of it.

I hate her. But I’m so in love still. I was never given a second chance though I felt I deserve one. It’s unfair. I never meant to hurt her. I did all I could to prevent hurt at the time. My way of thinking was convoluted and fragile but it worked for so long. I don’t understand how the denial of my emotion and burying how I felt got so out of control and so tremendous. I even dissociated for months because the agony was too great. I did things I don’t remember. The way I was told I acted and the things I said and did made no sense to me. That is not who I am. I don’t understand how I could be honest about what I buried and freak out and tell a girl I never loved that I loved her and wanted to be with her. It is so alien to me. I denied a crush I had before I met her and it swelled and burst after years of negligence. A crush I had before I met the girl I fell in love with caused the relationship to fail. Because I buried it and refused to deal with it. I honestly think my love for her spilled over into this crush when it surfaced. It sounds like an excuse and sounds unbelievable. Maybe it actually is. But it’s what’s true to me.

Now I listen to her problems and worry about her constantly. I watch her try with things that will ruin her. I can do nothing but watch and that is my punishment.

 

 

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