Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.
I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.
I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.
I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.
I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.
I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.
Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.
The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.
The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!
Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.
Up to Traverse City for a week for work. Not really excited.
I am sad. She’s not coming over anymore.
The Orlando attack and the people who support it sicken me to outrage. To say you would murder more people, to say you would do the same, to say they deserved it for something that is beyond their control. They have been persecuted for millennia & made examples of through public executions, being burned alive, hung, shot in the head, beaten to death, even stoned to death if we are to bring it back that far. You would think, if it was a choice, they would opt out of it knowing they will be killed, ousted from their communities, family, and friends. Treated with disdain & shown malice at the slightest hint of their sexual orientation. Killed by others because they do not agree with their values, their lifestyle, their genetic makeup. It is heinous crime. Hate crimes happen against people all over the world, but that should not diminish the outrage and pain we should all feel for this community and the struggles they go through day to day. They are hunted by people like animals & killed in abundance. For what? You religious values state that murder is a sin, yet you commit it with no hesitation against someone who does not hold up to your perfect little ideological bullshit of a world. You people sicken me. To think that you believe this to be okay, that it is just & necessary. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Well when I start something new I’m not shy about it. Ive been dieting in the extreme, but now its time to kick it up a notch and start going to the gym twice a day, 4-6 days a week. Ill build up to it at first. Probably take me a month and a half until im used to going twice a day, 6 days a week, but im going to do it. I want to be satisfied with my body & have people look at it in awe. I want that old school bodybuilder glow, like that of Arnold. I want to emulate his body and confidence in it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and in my apperance.
I may not have someone special to talk to right now but then again I dont really need one. Its nice and all, but im learning so much about my own happiness and what its worth, I dont feel the need to have someone in my life right now. If it happens then it’s something I wont shy away from, but I’m not actively looking for someone to replace what I lost. I dont even want to replace it, I want to have something new. Something better. So when that time finally comes, Ill be ready.
I find myself falling into old habits way too quickly when I tell myself I’m done doing that. I need to be better.
I woke up to something pulling me and a heavy weight on my chest. I tried screaming my mothers name but no noise could esacpe my lungs due to the crushing force.
Talking with my therapist today made me realize that this girl who I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me was only that for this chapter in my life. There will be a girl who I meet who will be the plots zenith of my story. What I lost may be irreplaceable, but that is not a bad thing. What we had was inherently flawed, and that was my fault. But something new will happen and come into my life and it will be beautiful beyond measure and have me feeling elated and so content with life I will remember now and how I felt and it will be comical. I am glad she taught me this lesson, and I still find joy in the memories of our relationship, but I realize now that is was not my books zenith. It was the high point of this particular chapter and the end of that relationship was the low point. I am on to a new chapter of self discovery and reinvention. A path of creating new bridges and forming new bonds. I can only thank you for being what I needed in my life at this time of weakness and keeping me afloat. You may not be the best thing that ever happened to me but you are one of the most important. & for that I will always remember you and keep a special place in my heart for you. It may not be the one I thought it would be, but it is there none the less. I will always have love for the girl who broke my heart and whos heart I broke, but it is a love that is thankful and one that is memorable. It will not be slow burning and an ember like I thought it would be for so long. That is reserved for someone else in my life, and for the first time in my life, I am excited for the future.
What do I mean to you? What role do I play in your life? Where do I stand with you? Without me in your life, are the things I give replaceable, or are they unique to me and something you will miss? Do I give you the feeling of all youve wanted when combined with other people? If I took that away, would you be okay? Would you seek me out again, realizing that what I provide is irreplaceable or irreplicable, or would you leave it like dust in the wind, seeking it out within others? What would happen if you could never find it again? Would you try and make amends, or are you too proud and stubborn to ever try for reconciliation? Would you live your life bitter, and angry, that I took with me what cannot be replaced, or would you forgive and realize your mistake? Would you ever try again with me? You say you forgive, but you have not yet moved past. I can understand that. What I do not understand is my place in your life. Why do you keep me within arms distance and call upon me in times of need and distress, why do you tell me when something is wrong and when something bad happens. Why do you seek me out first or second? Why do you seek me out at all? Is our chapter in life not yet closed and moved on to the next stage in this story? Will there be another chapter? If yes, why? If no, why? Is there reason to keep within contact with one another? Is there reason not to? Is there reason to share our struggles, because we know one another and share that bond still, or are we being foolish and trying to keep parts we still like though they are broken? I need answers if I am to make a decision in my own life. It is not fair if you call all the shots. I am not trying to be black and white, that is why I am asking these questions. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to stay where I am with you, or if it is best to drop all this and move on? I need to figure out what is the best course of option for me, and to do that I need your help in answering these questions. Maybe you will find some answers from within yourself, that you could not find because you didnt know which questions to ask. Because you were not confronted with them. I am trying to figure out what is best for me, and I need you to work with me for that to happen. Please try, do not leave me hanging, or I will leave and take everything I give you with me, & I will not look back. That is not a threat, it is a geniune feeling I have and one I do not take lightly. I do not want to do that, but I wont play guessing games with you and try to figure out where I stand and what I provide. I am tired of not understanding. I understand your desire to be mysterious, but I need you to be clear with me about this.
I can not take guessing where I stand and what I mean to you any longer.