Its been 3.5 years since I last logged on and made a status update. So much has happened in my life since then, its actually hard to comprehend where I currently stand as I read thru my past. I don’t recognize that person at all. It honestly terrifies me the thoughts that went thru my head and realizing I was so close, so many times, to engaging in acts of thoughtless violence and depraved violence that bordered on evil.
I recently broke up with the women I was speaking of previously. Lissa was a blessing to me, and I carry no ill will towards her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I grew to love her and opened my heart. That isn’t going to happen now, and that’s okay. Not everything you want to happen, should happen, and I think ive been hard at work over the past couple years trying to come to that realization. Things fell apart between us. There was no giant fight, no hatred that developed, no infidelity. Just a breakdown of communication and incompatible personalities that we tried to breach and failed. It is greatly saddening in way, and honestly I do have several regrets. That’s okay though, and ive gained so much from this experience and such a pure love, its left a profound impact on me that will influence me for the rest of my life.
I still struggle with my mental illness, but I no longer take any medication. Ive turned to “drugs” in a sense, but not an actual reliance. I use psychedelics and MDMA sparingly alongside weed and CBD and have joined a few communities in which I have incredibly supportive friends. I frequent the gym 6 times a week and now am trying to get back on track with a diet plan and keeping my house clean. Ive fallen in love with concerts and festivals of all varieties, I bartend now, and ive taken to exploring nature and becoming one with the entities inside myself.
It was very weird, I took a rather large dose of mushrooms and molly at a concert I went to for my first hippie flip, and while at the concert I had a wave of realization and overwhelming raw emotion pull me into what seemed like an out of body experience. I can hardly remember the concert tbh. After words I went thru an incredibly depressing weeks long come down, which most likely had to do the fact that id recently broken up with the girl of my dreams. However, its been a few months since then, and now im beginning to understand that overpowering sense of emotion was simply a barrier crumbling that allowed all my repressions to burst forth. I had such intense suicidal urges, and still do from time to time. I still can hear what seems to be apparatus right outside of ear shot but still so softly and clearly whispering into my mind. It no longer bothers me, however. Ive grown to understand that my trauma manifests in a way now that demands punishment of myself, but ive also grown to know that while my trauma has shaped me, it does not define who I am.
There is this very small core inside me now that I would chance to say is impenetrable. It is within here that ive began to take the steps to shape a legacy I would be proud to leave behind and represent. It does not grow every day, but it also never shrinks. I will not chance regression in one area for success in another. I will succeed on all fronts, no matter how long that takes me or how hard it is.
I’m planning on joining the Marines in a few years once there has been significant medical documentation that I have been successful without medications or therapy for over 6 years. I have no plans to disclose it because its sealed, but if it does come to light, the theory ive been proposed is that it was not of significance due to the fact that its been so many years and there have been no complications even without outside influence guiding me. Ive wanted to join the Marines since ive been like 10. I cant fail myself and not bother trying.
Things in life have honestly just been kind of happening with no major plans. I cant actually recollect much about the last near 4 years. There is a lot of pain im still trying to process, a lot of mistakes im trying to come to terms with, and the fact that I still such at communication despite so much effort put forth to get better at it. Writing down my feelings is so easy, and I can formulate such complex topics and emotions in a way that makes sense, but if I open my mouth, the words congeal in my throat and I can hardly breathe. I seize up and can be very confrontational when it comes to certain emotions. Ive made progress, but definitely still have a long way to go.
Honestly I have no clue what possessed me to seek this out and remember I even made this years back when I was basically committed to blowing my brains out. I figure now is a good time as any in order to try and get back in touch with myself and write down my feelings while im in isolation the majority of the time. Ill try and post frequently, at least more frequently than every leap year, hahaha.