I think it might be time to say goodbye

I really don’t like admitting I’m sick. I’m very ill right now though. The last couple weeks it’s gotten exponentially worse. Every minute that drags by I can feel the void calling my name. Whispering. Pleading. Begging.

I just want to die, and I don’t even think I’ll have to do it myself. I feel a very ominous shadow creeping into my life. Something bad is going to happen, and I won’t even have a say in it. Comical almost, how the cosmic strings sometimes get pulled. All my life spent fighting against suicide just to be killed by something out of my control. Astonishing really. God must have a dark sense of humor.

Maybe I’m just delusional. Maybe it’s real. Nightmares usually aren’t remembered when you fall into a 15 minute exhaustion coma. The memories are all to vivid to not be real though.

I haven’t slept much more than a few hours in 3-4 days now.

I’m irritable and “tired” but sleep is fleeting.

I kind of want to die.

I woke up dreaming about you. I haven’t been able to recall a dream in so long… the entire premise of this trip was to get my mind off you and yet all I’ve done every day is think about you.

It’s sad really, all I want is a hug from you where we share locked eyes and you run your fingers down my hands as i softly stroke your face. It’s the only physical intimacy I’m craving lately. I want to be told I’m loved.

I went to a waterfall yesterday. I took a path down where people have died by falling off the cliff side 200 feet below. I did it not because I have a death wish but because I was willing to do whatever it took in order to see the beauty from the ground and because I wanted the memories of doing something others had failed and even died trying to do.

I keep that same energy in relationships and with you until lately. Now I just miss you constantly and all I want is a text asking if I’m okay or recognition that you maybe miss me a little too. I won’t ever get that.

I think I’ll miss you more before I start to miss you less. I won’t let myself start to hate you in order to get over you, I’ll keep loving you inside my mind because you deserve that. I won’t let feelings of desire taint and ruin the real love I feel and felt.

I won’t let that love ruin any future prospects either. It’ll turn to an ember, and there’s no reason to try and douse it or put it out. You’re the only person I actually thought about seriously having children with. I’ve had juvenile thoughts previously with the last ex, but I was also clinically insane and couldn’t keep the thought of killing myself at bay for more than a few minutes at a time, so I think I’ll let my thoughts on that relationship continue to wither away because the only reason it worked was because of sex and because she was the only person to show me love during one of the worst periods of my life until you came along and just wanted to make sure I was okay and wanted to be a friend.

Hopefully things get easier soon. I can’t imagine waking up dreaming about you every morning for the next 6 months. I’d probably go back to drugs to numb my brain.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re healing and I hope you’re moving along better than I am Lissa. I’m really sorry we didn’t work out because of a simple failure of communication during a time when we needed to be open and honest the most.

When the switch flips and you feel the energy radiating outwards from within & right under your heart.

Perfect timing because I leave to the west coast tomorrow!

I stop in Chicago on my way back. I’ll deal with that hurdle when I get to it.

I just wish my thoughts matched me energy outside of the gym and shower haha

Ill be back by Dawn

What do you do when you begin to realize your inability to feel tired and the lack of sleep isnt affecting you. When you feel devoid of emotion yet also so full of emotion it beckons forth streams that turn to waterfalls. Oceans inside are swelling with no place for overflow anymore. Oceans inside are draining with no notion to where they are headed. Walls are torn down, walls are erected. The grass is alive and so green. The sky is in a heavy overcast, there is no sun. The trees billow freely yet my cheeks remain wet even after the rivers have dried and died.

It feels like a lucid dream, everything feels surreal. Nothing is real but how can that be when i see myself typing this very post. The hairs stand on my neck, the breeze creeps up my leg. I glissade down the rabbit hole. Cautious yet curious. My mind is whole yet fractured. The schism between who I am and who I want to be. Where does this trail lead? I see fresh footprints but there is no displaced grass. They are floating? My eyes are closed, im experiencing sensations that feel alien. How to describe something that hasnt been felt before. There is no experience to draw from.

Experience. What a funny notion. We draw from these fragmentations in order to better prepare for current happenings even though there will never be two things that are quite the same. Our own memories distorted to achieve what we believe to be true. No outside influence. Just us. Gaslighting ourselves eventually when asked to recall or call upon the experience when needed. Can one have experience in losing their mind? How does that work? Am I actually losing it, or am i just experiencing new concepts for the first time from a new summit in life? The letters are falling off the screen, black dots are dancing across my vision. I refocus. They dissipate. They return. They disappear. I have an overwhelming sense of relief and tension wash over my body. Like willingly submerging yourself into freezing water. Its molten down into the nerve endings. My skin is ablaze. My skin is taut. My mind is racing. My mind is expanding. My soul is fleeting. My heartbeat syncs with the musics bassline. When did i go from listening to R&B and Rap to EDM? The song is WILDFIRE by Jaenga.

Why do I feel so much tension. The sun rises soon. I am one with the sun. It melts the feelings of inadequacy away. The feelings of worthlessness take root and grow. The moon waxes and wanes. The oceans are shoved and yanked backwards. Rains pours from open skies. Sunshine blossoms from dark clouds. Is this what it means to be one and yet feel everything? Is this what it means to be all yet feel nothing?

I feel all the microscopic tears in my muscles. My entire body is agony. My pain is ecstasy. I feel growth. I regress. I gain yet lose. Every step forward is a step in place. Every step backwards is a leap ahead? My past is dead. I can learn nothing from it, ive gleamed all I could from it. My past is full of information. I have so much to learn.

Why do i feel so light, as if im floating? Why am i sinking upwards? Where is my mind taking me as i vocalize these thoughts and come in and out. So much time has passed. I’ve been typing for 13 minutes. Its been days. The lights flicker. My vision fades then my pupils dilates and the world reveals itself. Am i experiencing this in real life or inside my mind? It feels real. It isnt real. This isnt real. Im not real. My mind is real. This is real. IT IS REAL?

Internal monologues are quite common among people. They are healthy. I talk frequently to myself. Heres the thing though… I keep asking questions and getting silence in return. Have you ever asked yourself something and there is no response? Not even fleeting thoughts, just total and deafening silence. Its like tinnitus. Real life fades away, and Im in a room alone watching things dissipate in real time until im alone in a large room. Like a reverb chamber. I hear my heart beat slowly fade and my breathing slows. Eventually I am devoid of all sensations, and yet there is still no response.

I am at peace. I am at war. I am war, herald of peace. I am peace, harbinger of war. I am dying to live. I am living to die.

I pull out and everything floods back into real time. Everything is surreal. No time has passed. Hours have passed. I see the first tendrils of sunshine peak over the horizon. They envelope the entirety of my vision. The entity is beckoning. I am alive. I am… well?

I dont know what the fuck is going on anymore. Im sure ill glean insight from this in time. Im going to watch the sunrise. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. They are my favorite. Its all so serene and peaceful. Its all i want to share with someone. The beauty, the fleeting feelings of sadness being eradicated and the growth of happiness and the seeds of love blossoming. Im numb. I feel everything but i am numb. I miss you. Im sorry.

Life & Death

Why is my self worth & worth to lovers tied so closely to my fiscal success and the ability to physically provide? looking back and reminiscing it pains me to say I’ve had questions surrounding that notion pointed my way even though my job at the time averaged $40 an hour, although it wasn’t a long term investment job. It really fucking hurts you know. I promise I’m worth more than money. Why was money such an important make or break that it overtook anything & everything else I was willing to provide? It hurts so much. Really just makes me want to commit to financial success damning all the rest and disappear forever after the fact is known I made it.

Disappearing after military service gets completed does sound so nice to be honest. I spent all morning crying fantasizing about it and how shitty everything is. It’s weird how suicide seems like such an easy out but I absolutely despise the idea now for myself. After coming so close those years back, I really don’t think I’ll ever attempt again. Suicidal ideation is weird now because death and the idea of it seems so pleasing and like release, yet the joys life brings and the success I want to have literally destroys any notion of wanting to die. Dying before I finish what I want to do is my biggest fear in life now. I guess my “obsession” or ideation about dying now is much more figurative or metaphorical in the sense that I want to distance myself from my past but also move past it and the best way I can see for that to happen is to “kill” myself. My memories, my past, my habits, my name. Anything tied to my past failures. Not necessarily running away. I don’t want to run away. I think healing is a life long process and it’s unique to everyone.

Forgiveness is one of the biggest things to be achieved in order to let go and be happy. Unfortunately forgiveness is not something I offer myself. I’m letting my failures define who I am instead of dictate how I should forge forward in order to succeed. I don’t know how to let go besides erasing who I am and starting anew. I really don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone currently. Or maybe I do and it’s so strong it scares me so I force it away and suppress it because I’m afraid of all those relationships ceasing to be as well. Things are okay if I end them on my terms, or so I think. I’m not sure yet if it’s the best notion to believe that being “in control” of how things end is actually beneficial to my mental. Things seemed easier when everything was ambiguous and there was still a small flame there. I snuffed that out and the last facades of light are slowly fading from vision and the cavern is going all black. Metaphorical death I think is on the horizon.

You know how even when it’s pitch black you can still determine different depths or shades of darkness ? That’s currently how it feels. Everything around me is dark, & looking toward the future, that horizon I see is even darker. Is darkness really such a bad thing though…? I’m terrified of the dark, but should I be? Imagine being at peace in the dark and while lonely. Imagine finding the ability to remain hopeful or happy when all around you there is nothing but shadows and death. Is the death of who you are and ego really something to be fearful of? The things I like about myself I can always find again. The good things can always be reforged.

I think being able to remain bright and bold when there is darkness lurking that threatens to consume you at a moments weakness is something I’ve failed at before. Maybe it’s not the dark around me that I’m afraid of losing to but the darkness inside me I’m trying to keep from escaping that is shaping my perspective. Maybe it’s a mix of both. There is this core inside I’m trying so hard to keep lit inside of me. I can sometimes almost feel tendrils wrapping around it. I’m wondering how long I have to nurture the Phoenix before it deflagrates the entirety of the darkness inside. I’ve got a suspicion its going to cause a conflagration in my physical life as well and some relationships will be too scorched to salvage at that point.

Does love drive people mad or is it grief? You’d think people would want passionate lovers and friends but passion can turn to obsession and jealously so insanely fast I think passion is the ultimate failure of the human emotion spectrum of left unchecked. I’m so passionate about giving all the love I deny myself to others that when I find them sad or lonely or depressed it becomes my main prerogative in life to let them know they are cherished and loved and appreciated. I will stop at nothing. It’s an insatiable hunger and desire with such intensity. Seeing people light up and their faces change, their auras exuding newfound confidence and hope, their demeanor changing to one of hopefulness. Hearing genuine laughter, noting real smiles. Have you ever noticed people smell differently when actually happy? Seeing this and helping people achieve this brings me such great joy and happiness that is so momentary and fleeting it becomes such a depressive vicious cycle. Imagine doing everything in your power to help someone succeed & then they want to help you and you refuse because you don’t think you deserve it. And eventually they get tired of the constant negativity surrounding you and your inability to do for yourself what you do for others. They leave. Because they don’t want to go back to the place they were before. I don’t want to leave the place I am. They don’t leave me behind, I usher them forward and close the door. Eventually the knocking subsides and I’ll open it back up, only to find nobody there anymore. & I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

At some point in the future I will cease to be. I’ll disappear. I won’t want to be found until I can look at myself and not see the sadness and anger lurking inside.

I’m just sad.

Still think about her everyday & god damn does it hurt so much but I know eventually pain fades and my happy memories with her won’t evoke feelings of worthlessness or pain. The sad memories won’t evoke feelings of longing or regret. Eventually she will just be someone I gave my all and things didn’t work out how I wanted them to. I think knowing this makes the pain that much worse now, because she really was the one I wanted to fall asleep next to and wake up with for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure I’ll always miss the good times and hearing songs I know she likes makes me smile at first and then just feel such intense depression and the desperation grows to reach out to her and just let her know I really do care about her still. For my sake though I really can’t do that, because I need to move along and grow without her because she doesn’t want what we had anymore. I don’t really blame her either. I kinda suck. My highs are great. My lows are literally awful. My middling mind I’m sure seem more like disinterest or standoffish, when in reality it’s much closer to just being content with the fact that I know I’m in love and don’t want to ruin it because I kind of suck. Ahhhhh I’m so sad. I do miss her. So much. Oh well. I just want to hear the sound of her voice once more, even if I know it won’t be for a long while again. It’s just so soothing to my soul and makes me feel at peace every time we locked eyes. Maybe some day I’ll learn how to take what I can write and vocalize it to those I love and want to spend time with. I’m really sorry Lissa.