Ill be back by Dawn

What do you do when you begin to realize your inability to feel tired and the lack of sleep isnt affecting you. When you feel devoid of emotion yet also so full of emotion it beckons forth streams that turn to waterfalls. Oceans inside are swelling with no place for overflow anymore. Oceans inside are draining with no notion to where they are headed. Walls are torn down, walls are erected. The grass is alive and so green. The sky is in a heavy overcast, there is no sun. The trees billow freely yet my cheeks remain wet even after the rivers have dried and died.

It feels like a lucid dream, everything feels surreal. Nothing is real but how can that be when i see myself typing this very post. The hairs stand on my neck, the breeze creeps up my leg. I glissade down the rabbit hole. Cautious yet curious. My mind is whole yet fractured. The schism between who I am and who I want to be. Where does this trail lead? I see fresh footprints but there is no displaced grass. They are floating? My eyes are closed, im experiencing sensations that feel alien. How to describe something that hasnt been felt before. There is no experience to draw from.

Experience. What a funny notion. We draw from these fragmentations in order to better prepare for current happenings even though there will never be two things that are quite the same. Our own memories distorted to achieve what we believe to be true. No outside influence. Just us. Gaslighting ourselves eventually when asked to recall or call upon the experience when needed. Can one have experience in losing their mind? How does that work? Am I actually losing it, or am i just experiencing new concepts for the first time from a new summit in life? The letters are falling off the screen, black dots are dancing across my vision. I refocus. They dissipate. They return. They disappear. I have an overwhelming sense of relief and tension wash over my body. Like willingly submerging yourself into freezing water. Its molten down into the nerve endings. My skin is ablaze. My skin is taut. My mind is racing. My mind is expanding. My soul is fleeting. My heartbeat syncs with the musics bassline. When did i go from listening to R&B and Rap to EDM? The song is WILDFIRE by Jaenga.

Why do I feel so much tension. The sun rises soon. I am one with the sun. It melts the feelings of inadequacy away. The feelings of worthlessness take root and grow. The moon waxes and wanes. The oceans are shoved and yanked backwards. Rains pours from open skies. Sunshine blossoms from dark clouds. Is this what it means to be one and yet feel everything? Is this what it means to be all yet feel nothing?

I feel all the microscopic tears in my muscles. My entire body is agony. My pain is ecstasy. I feel growth. I regress. I gain yet lose. Every step forward is a step in place. Every step backwards is a leap ahead? My past is dead. I can learn nothing from it, ive gleamed all I could from it. My past is full of information. I have so much to learn.

Why do i feel so light, as if im floating? Why am i sinking upwards? Where is my mind taking me as i vocalize these thoughts and come in and out. So much time has passed. I’ve been typing for 13 minutes. Its been days. The lights flicker. My vision fades then my pupils dilates and the world reveals itself. Am i experiencing this in real life or inside my mind? It feels real. It isnt real. This isnt real. Im not real. My mind is real. This is real. IT IS REAL?

Internal monologues are quite common among people. They are healthy. I talk frequently to myself. Heres the thing though… I keep asking questions and getting silence in return. Have you ever asked yourself something and there is no response? Not even fleeting thoughts, just total and deafening silence. Its like tinnitus. Real life fades away, and Im in a room alone watching things dissipate in real time until im alone in a large room. Like a reverb chamber. I hear my heart beat slowly fade and my breathing slows. Eventually I am devoid of all sensations, and yet there is still no response.

I am at peace. I am at war. I am war, herald of peace. I am peace, harbinger of war. I am dying to live. I am living to die.

I pull out and everything floods back into real time. Everything is surreal. No time has passed. Hours have passed. I see the first tendrils of sunshine peak over the horizon. They envelope the entirety of my vision. The entity is beckoning. I am alive. I am… well?

I dont know what the fuck is going on anymore. Im sure ill glean insight from this in time. Im going to watch the sunrise. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. They are my favorite. Its all so serene and peaceful. Its all i want to share with someone. The beauty, the fleeting feelings of sadness being eradicated and the growth of happiness and the seeds of love blossoming. Im numb. I feel everything but i am numb. I miss you. Im sorry.

Life & Death

Why is my self worth & worth to lovers tied so closely to my fiscal success and the ability to physically provide? looking back and reminiscing it pains me to say I’ve had questions surrounding that notion pointed my way even though my job at the time averaged $40 an hour, although it wasn’t a long term investment job. It really fucking hurts you know. I promise I’m worth more than money. Why was money such an important make or break that it overtook anything & everything else I was willing to provide? It hurts so much. Really just makes me want to commit to financial success damning all the rest and disappear forever after the fact is known I made it.

Disappearing after military service gets completed does sound so nice to be honest. I spent all morning crying fantasizing about it and how shitty everything is. It’s weird how suicide seems like such an easy out but I absolutely despise the idea now for myself. After coming so close those years back, I really don’t think I’ll ever attempt again. Suicidal ideation is weird now because death and the idea of it seems so pleasing and like release, yet the joys life brings and the success I want to have literally destroys any notion of wanting to die. Dying before I finish what I want to do is my biggest fear in life now. I guess my “obsession” or ideation about dying now is much more figurative or metaphorical in the sense that I want to distance myself from my past but also move past it and the best way I can see for that to happen is to “kill” myself. My memories, my past, my habits, my name. Anything tied to my past failures. Not necessarily running away. I don’t want to run away. I think healing is a life long process and it’s unique to everyone.

Forgiveness is one of the biggest things to be achieved in order to let go and be happy. Unfortunately forgiveness is not something I offer myself. I’m letting my failures define who I am instead of dictate how I should forge forward in order to succeed. I don’t know how to let go besides erasing who I am and starting anew. I really don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone currently. Or maybe I do and it’s so strong it scares me so I force it away and suppress it because I’m afraid of all those relationships ceasing to be as well. Things are okay if I end them on my terms, or so I think. I’m not sure yet if it’s the best notion to believe that being “in control” of how things end is actually beneficial to my mental. Things seemed easier when everything was ambiguous and there was still a small flame there. I snuffed that out and the last facades of light are slowly fading from vision and the cavern is going all black. Metaphorical death I think is on the horizon.

You know how even when it’s pitch black you can still determine different depths or shades of darkness ? That’s currently how it feels. Everything around me is dark, & looking toward the future, that horizon I see is even darker. Is darkness really such a bad thing though…? I’m terrified of the dark, but should I be? Imagine being at peace in the dark and while lonely. Imagine finding the ability to remain hopeful or happy when all around you there is nothing but shadows and death. Is the death of who you are and ego really something to be fearful of? The things I like about myself I can always find again. The good things can always be reforged.

I think being able to remain bright and bold when there is darkness lurking that threatens to consume you at a moments weakness is something I’ve failed at before. Maybe it’s not the dark around me that I’m afraid of losing to but the darkness inside me I’m trying to keep from escaping that is shaping my perspective. Maybe it’s a mix of both. There is this core inside I’m trying so hard to keep lit inside of me. I can sometimes almost feel tendrils wrapping around it. I’m wondering how long I have to nurture the Phoenix before it deflagrates the entirety of the darkness inside. I’ve got a suspicion its going to cause a conflagration in my physical life as well and some relationships will be too scorched to salvage at that point.

Does love drive people mad or is it grief? You’d think people would want passionate lovers and friends but passion can turn to obsession and jealously so insanely fast I think passion is the ultimate failure of the human emotion spectrum of left unchecked. I’m so passionate about giving all the love I deny myself to others that when I find them sad or lonely or depressed it becomes my main prerogative in life to let them know they are cherished and loved and appreciated. I will stop at nothing. It’s an insatiable hunger and desire with such intensity. Seeing people light up and their faces change, their auras exuding newfound confidence and hope, their demeanor changing to one of hopefulness. Hearing genuine laughter, noting real smiles. Have you ever noticed people smell differently when actually happy? Seeing this and helping people achieve this brings me such great joy and happiness that is so momentary and fleeting it becomes such a depressive vicious cycle. Imagine doing everything in your power to help someone succeed & then they want to help you and you refuse because you don’t think you deserve it. And eventually they get tired of the constant negativity surrounding you and your inability to do for yourself what you do for others. They leave. Because they don’t want to go back to the place they were before. I don’t want to leave the place I am. They don’t leave me behind, I usher them forward and close the door. Eventually the knocking subsides and I’ll open it back up, only to find nobody there anymore. & I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

At some point in the future I will cease to be. I’ll disappear. I won’t want to be found until I can look at myself and not see the sadness and anger lurking inside.

Formal Reality

I keep hallucinating randomly. I see myself dying over and over and over and over again. I can’t tell whats real and whats not. I can’t tell if I’m having premonitions sent by God that this is what is to come or simply God telling me I need to fucking kill myself and I need to do it soon because fuck me. Im a piece of shit. I deserve to fucking die. God has a high degree of Formal Reality. I believe God exists and I also believe God is a fucking asshole who pulls peoples strings for shits and giggles because who the fuck is going to stop God. God cannot be all good because he was the birth of evil. Fuck you Christians. How is something all good and all powerful also the creator of ultimate betrayal and evil. Of sin. Again, fuck you Christians.

God is an idea that we give power to. Even if we don’t believe we still grasp the concept that others believe in God. That gives God free reign over all of us, despite the fact that not all of us believe in God. Everyone believes in something. That something is God, just behind different faces. Allah, Buddha, The Devas and Asuras, Pagan Gods, God itself, The Big Bang, Evolution. It’s all just a face of God. Who happens to be a total fucking asshole and a clown. But It controls everything and it does so at its own whim.

My reality is distorted I know that much. Right now I have a moment of clarity. I can think and I know what I’m thinking and I know that it is real. What I don’t know is what was real in the past or what is real in the future. I don’t know If my hallucinations are real. They feel real. They happen. How am I to decide if its a message from God or not. Right now I feel like killing myself, so maybe they are actually premonitions and this is what is going to happen. Maybe I am God and Im just fucking with myself and Ill go kill myself and have a laugh and say wow that was fun and reincarnate and do the same thing over again when i get fucking bored because watching others misery is fun and watching others die is also fun. At least that’s what I think God thinks. Maybe it’s Satan. I’ve no fucking clue. Maybe its a pure Asura. Maybe Buddha fucking offed himself and thats how he reached nirvana. It would explain why the suicide rate of the Japanese is so fucking high.

Im just so fucking lost and confused and feel so hopeless but I also feel like if I kill myself maybe things will go back to normal and Ill wake from this dream and things will be okay. Because honestly it feels like I’ve been living a night terror for months now. Fuck everything.

What I feel has a high degree of Formal Reality and since my emotions are depthless or unfathomable or so vast in scope they blot out all you see, I would also say they have a high degree of objective reality. Descartes would be proud. Fuck you.

Small thoughts Big thoughts

While roofing yesterday I busy getting lost in thought. Sometimes it can be mindless, especially the clean up. We tore off an entire section of a roof yesterday, so think a massive pile of them. Whilst picking them up and bringing them down the hill to the dump truck I began to notice, or rather think about how this connected my life. You see, all the large shingles were heavy, but once you got done with them, that was it. No more dealing with them. The small pieces though, the nails and small scrap/debris, they were constantly causing trouble. They were falling back out of the piles i made and picked up, they were slipping through the cracks in my fingers and making life difficult. Somewhere during this I connected it to my life.

Its massive exertion moving the shingles, or dealing with the big problems in life, but once you’re done with them, thats it. You’ve conquered that enemy. The small scrap bits however, those are the little battles in life that add up over time. The ones that constantly beat you up while you don’t pay attention. The ones that you can never really deal with, just get enough done to not worry about it too much.

It’s a lot like a hard breakup. You can get over it initially. Thats the really hard part, but once thats done, you’re better. Its the small stuff, the realization you do everything alone now again. You sleep alone, you eat alone, you go do daily tasks alone. Its these things that weigh heavily on my mind. It’s these things that make life so difficult even though they are small in scope.

The big things in life aren’t really that bad. Its the little things that get us down and make us miss what once was. The big picture isn’t so bad until you look at the details and realize some of the puzzle pieces are missing.