I woke up dreaming about you. I haven’t been able to recall a dream in so long… the entire premise of this trip was to get my mind off you and yet all I’ve done every day is think about you.

It’s sad really, all I want is a hug from you where we share locked eyes and you run your fingers down my hands as i softly stroke your face. It’s the only physical intimacy I’m craving lately. I want to be told I’m loved.

I went to a waterfall yesterday. I took a path down where people have died by falling off the cliff side 200 feet below. I did it not because I have a death wish but because I was willing to do whatever it took in order to see the beauty from the ground and because I wanted the memories of doing something others had failed and even died trying to do.

I keep that same energy in relationships and with you until lately. Now I just miss you constantly and all I want is a text asking if I’m okay or recognition that you maybe miss me a little too. I won’t ever get that.

I think I’ll miss you more before I start to miss you less. I won’t let myself start to hate you in order to get over you, I’ll keep loving you inside my mind because you deserve that. I won’t let feelings of desire taint and ruin the real love I feel and felt.

I won’t let that love ruin any future prospects either. It’ll turn to an ember, and there’s no reason to try and douse it or put it out. You’re the only person I actually thought about seriously having children with. I’ve had juvenile thoughts previously with the last ex, but I was also clinically insane and couldn’t keep the thought of killing myself at bay for more than a few minutes at a time, so I think I’ll let my thoughts on that relationship continue to wither away because the only reason it worked was because of sex and because she was the only person to show me love during one of the worst periods of my life until you came along and just wanted to make sure I was okay and wanted to be a friend.

Hopefully things get easier soon. I can’t imagine waking up dreaming about you every morning for the next 6 months. I’d probably go back to drugs to numb my brain.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re healing and I hope you’re moving along better than I am Lissa. I’m really sorry we didn’t work out because of a simple failure of communication during a time when we needed to be open and honest the most.

Ill be back by Dawn

What do you do when you begin to realize your inability to feel tired and the lack of sleep isnt affecting you. When you feel devoid of emotion yet also so full of emotion it beckons forth streams that turn to waterfalls. Oceans inside are swelling with no place for overflow anymore. Oceans inside are draining with no notion to where they are headed. Walls are torn down, walls are erected. The grass is alive and so green. The sky is in a heavy overcast, there is no sun. The trees billow freely yet my cheeks remain wet even after the rivers have dried and died.

It feels like a lucid dream, everything feels surreal. Nothing is real but how can that be when i see myself typing this very post. The hairs stand on my neck, the breeze creeps up my leg. I glissade down the rabbit hole. Cautious yet curious. My mind is whole yet fractured. The schism between who I am and who I want to be. Where does this trail lead? I see fresh footprints but there is no displaced grass. They are floating? My eyes are closed, im experiencing sensations that feel alien. How to describe something that hasnt been felt before. There is no experience to draw from.

Experience. What a funny notion. We draw from these fragmentations in order to better prepare for current happenings even though there will never be two things that are quite the same. Our own memories distorted to achieve what we believe to be true. No outside influence. Just us. Gaslighting ourselves eventually when asked to recall or call upon the experience when needed. Can one have experience in losing their mind? How does that work? Am I actually losing it, or am i just experiencing new concepts for the first time from a new summit in life? The letters are falling off the screen, black dots are dancing across my vision. I refocus. They dissipate. They return. They disappear. I have an overwhelming sense of relief and tension wash over my body. Like willingly submerging yourself into freezing water. Its molten down into the nerve endings. My skin is ablaze. My skin is taut. My mind is racing. My mind is expanding. My soul is fleeting. My heartbeat syncs with the musics bassline. When did i go from listening to R&B and Rap to EDM? The song is WILDFIRE by Jaenga.

Why do I feel so much tension. The sun rises soon. I am one with the sun. It melts the feelings of inadequacy away. The feelings of worthlessness take root and grow. The moon waxes and wanes. The oceans are shoved and yanked backwards. Rains pours from open skies. Sunshine blossoms from dark clouds. Is this what it means to be one and yet feel everything? Is this what it means to be all yet feel nothing?

I feel all the microscopic tears in my muscles. My entire body is agony. My pain is ecstasy. I feel growth. I regress. I gain yet lose. Every step forward is a step in place. Every step backwards is a leap ahead? My past is dead. I can learn nothing from it, ive gleamed all I could from it. My past is full of information. I have so much to learn.

Why do i feel so light, as if im floating? Why am i sinking upwards? Where is my mind taking me as i vocalize these thoughts and come in and out. So much time has passed. I’ve been typing for 13 minutes. Its been days. The lights flicker. My vision fades then my pupils dilates and the world reveals itself. Am i experiencing this in real life or inside my mind? It feels real. It isnt real. This isnt real. Im not real. My mind is real. This is real. IT IS REAL?

Internal monologues are quite common among people. They are healthy. I talk frequently to myself. Heres the thing though… I keep asking questions and getting silence in return. Have you ever asked yourself something and there is no response? Not even fleeting thoughts, just total and deafening silence. Its like tinnitus. Real life fades away, and Im in a room alone watching things dissipate in real time until im alone in a large room. Like a reverb chamber. I hear my heart beat slowly fade and my breathing slows. Eventually I am devoid of all sensations, and yet there is still no response.

I am at peace. I am at war. I am war, herald of peace. I am peace, harbinger of war. I am dying to live. I am living to die.

I pull out and everything floods back into real time. Everything is surreal. No time has passed. Hours have passed. I see the first tendrils of sunshine peak over the horizon. They envelope the entirety of my vision. The entity is beckoning. I am alive. I am… well?

I dont know what the fuck is going on anymore. Im sure ill glean insight from this in time. Im going to watch the sunrise. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. They are my favorite. Its all so serene and peaceful. Its all i want to share with someone. The beauty, the fleeting feelings of sadness being eradicated and the growth of happiness and the seeds of love blossoming. Im numb. I feel everything but i am numb. I miss you. Im sorry.

I’m just sad.

Still think about her everyday & god damn does it hurt so much but I know eventually pain fades and my happy memories with her won’t evoke feelings of worthlessness or pain. The sad memories won’t evoke feelings of longing or regret. Eventually she will just be someone I gave my all and things didn’t work out how I wanted them to. I think knowing this makes the pain that much worse now, because she really was the one I wanted to fall asleep next to and wake up with for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure I’ll always miss the good times and hearing songs I know she likes makes me smile at first and then just feel such intense depression and the desperation grows to reach out to her and just let her know I really do care about her still. For my sake though I really can’t do that, because I need to move along and grow without her because she doesn’t want what we had anymore. I don’t really blame her either. I kinda suck. My highs are great. My lows are literally awful. My middling mind I’m sure seem more like disinterest or standoffish, when in reality it’s much closer to just being content with the fact that I know I’m in love and don’t want to ruin it because I kind of suck. Ahhhhh I’m so sad. I do miss her. So much. Oh well. I just want to hear the sound of her voice once more, even if I know it won’t be for a long while again. It’s just so soothing to my soul and makes me feel at peace every time we locked eyes. Maybe some day I’ll learn how to take what I can write and vocalize it to those I love and want to spend time with. I’m really sorry Lissa.

Development

Its been 3.5 years since I last logged on and made a status update. So much has happened in my life since then, its actually hard to comprehend where I currently stand as I read thru my past. I don’t recognize that person at all. It honestly terrifies me the thoughts that went thru my head and realizing I was so close, so many times, to engaging in acts of thoughtless violence and depraved violence that bordered on evil.

 

I recently broke up with the women I was speaking of previously. Lissa was a blessing to me, and I carry no ill will towards her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I grew to love her and opened my heart. That isn’t going to happen now, and that’s okay. Not everything you want to happen, should happen, and I think ive been hard at work over the past couple years trying to come to that realization. Things fell apart between us. There was no giant fight, no hatred that developed, no infidelity. Just a breakdown of communication and incompatible personalities that we tried to breach and failed. It is greatly saddening in way, and honestly I do have several regrets. That’s okay though, and ive gained so much from this experience and such a pure love, its left a profound impact on me that will influence me for the rest of my life.

 

I still struggle with my mental illness, but I no longer take any medication. Ive turned to “drugs” in a sense, but not an actual reliance. I use psychedelics and MDMA sparingly alongside weed and CBD and have joined a few communities in which I have incredibly supportive friends. I frequent the gym 6 times a week and now am trying to get back on track with a diet plan and keeping my house clean. Ive fallen in love with concerts and festivals of all varieties, I bartend now, and ive taken to exploring nature and becoming one with the entities inside myself.

 

It was very weird, I took a rather large dose of mushrooms and molly at a concert I went to for my first hippie flip, and while at the concert I had a wave of realization and overwhelming raw emotion pull me into what seemed like an out of body experience. I can hardly remember the concert tbh. After words I went thru an incredibly depressing weeks long come down, which most likely had to do the fact that id recently broken up with the girl of my dreams. However, its been a few months since then, and now im beginning to understand that overpowering sense of emotion was simply a barrier crumbling that allowed all my repressions to burst forth. I had such intense suicidal urges, and still do from time to time. I still can hear what seems to be apparatus right outside of ear shot but still so softly and clearly whispering into my mind. It no longer bothers me, however. Ive grown to understand that my trauma manifests in a way now that demands punishment of myself, but ive also grown to know that while my trauma has shaped me, it does not define who I am.

 

There is this very small core inside me now that I would chance to say is impenetrable. It is within here that ive began to take the steps to shape a legacy I would be proud to leave behind and represent. It does not grow every day, but it also never shrinks. I will not chance regression in one area for success in another. I will succeed on all fronts, no matter how long that takes me or how hard it is.

 

I’m planning on joining the Marines in a few years once there has been significant medical documentation that I have been successful without medications or therapy for over 6 years. I have no plans to disclose it because its sealed, but if it does come to light, the theory ive been proposed is that it was not of significance due to the fact that its been so many years and there have been no complications even without outside influence guiding me. Ive wanted to join the Marines since ive been like 10. I cant fail myself and not bother trying.

 

Things in life have honestly just been kind of happening with no major plans. I cant actually recollect much about the last near 4 years. There is a lot of pain im still trying to process, a lot of mistakes im trying to come to terms with, and the fact that I still such at communication despite so much effort put forth to get better at it. Writing down my feelings is so easy, and I can formulate such complex topics and emotions in a way that makes sense, but if I open my mouth, the words congeal in my throat and I can hardly breathe. I seize up and can be very confrontational when it comes to certain emotions. Ive made progress, but definitely still have a long way to go.

 

Honestly I have no clue what possessed me to seek this out and remember I even made this years back when I was basically committed to blowing my brains out. I figure now is a good time as any in order to try and get back in touch with myself and write down my feelings while im in isolation the majority of the time. Ill try and post frequently, at least more frequently than every leap year, hahaha.

IM BACK!

& MANIC!!!! FML.

Got into a fight with my girlfriend (I never fight with her, we argue sometimes but that’s the end of it, a small argument) broke a 100$ PC cooler that i was using for a build in a computer i was making for my little brother becuase i couldnt get my fucking fingers between it and the MOBO heatsink, left dents in my desk from frustration punches, spent 500$ on the build because i just need to finish the fucker so i can hurry up and sell it to him. Its taking me two hours to fall asleep and although i sleep for 6-8 hours, i wake up feeling tired sometimes, which is honestly extremely fucking weird because if i get 2-4 i wake up feeling refreshed and ready to fuck shit up. Honestly dont know if my diagnosis is bipolar 1 with psychotic features or if its actually schizoaffective bipolar subtype because for the last two months or so the bipolar symptoms have gradually gotten worse to where its full blown mania at this point, but when i was just starting to notice the patterns and what was going on, i was already paranoid, having delusions that I was gonna invent time travel and discover the cure to this god damn disease by taking what we know today back 100 years, and hearing things that werent actually there upon investigation. Like when i was at work working in the cooler and i heard two people mumbling in a conversation. & yes i am fairly confident in my ability to tell if i am psychotic or not when i actually am. I reason with myself while counting to 10 repeatedly because it helps me focus. I count to ten until i start to think about whats happening in my life and subconsciously keep counting while i hash it out with myself. IDK why it works, but it works. & i know that i am psychotic, but it comes and goes. Its not omnipresent, which is also extremely fucking weird because in all my research ive never found anything that says youre psychotic one day and not the next while having an episode whether it be schizophrenia or a mood episode. The pattern usually is youre psychotic, lack of sleep exacerbates that until youre unable to function, and then youre hospitalized and/or put on meds to help you. Well im on the maximum dosage of Geodon thats pharmaceutically therapeutic, and on a low end  to moderate dosage of lamictal at 200mg. 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL daily, although sometimes i forget to take it because i take it when i wake up instead of when i go to sleep with the others. Im constantly taking 1-200 mg of Diphenhydramine HCl just to fucking sleep and its still taking me 45-120 minutes to fall asleep. I dont have any Klonopin left because my dumb ass decided i didnt need to refill it and i could just deal with this shit. Now im fucked until I see my PA in 8 days to figure out what the fucking is going on and if i need to hospitalize myself. Which i probably do because when a customer looks at me wrong at work during the night Im planning out how to fucking murder them and their bloodline and taking my own life after or doing something drastic in a suicidal way. I literally envision it in such clear vivid detail and i have a plan for every situation that arises and i relish the chance just to fucking do it. I cant wait for the day some motherfucker pushes me one step too far. Im just so fucking angry all the god damn time for no reason. Im ALWAYS on a knifes edge. & its not just any knife, its a fucking medieval era samurai sword edge and im slowly cutting myself in half length wise. I NEED help but i dont want that shit and im too stubborn to accept it, but if my doc says i need to be hospitalized then ill go on my own accord. I wont let them commit me because that means ill never be able to own a gun or join the military if im ever off meds and not seeing a psych. Which i know probably isnt ever possible but i like to dream. The military suits my lifestyle of extremely hard work ethic, body destroying training/workouts, and perfectionism that goes perfectly with my OCPD. I swear to god id be the perfect soldier if i didnt want to kill my CO for calling me something i didnt like. But maybe one day i could get around that. IDK. Who knows. Probbaly someone who knows me like i know me but isnt really fucked up in the head. God if i had someone like that it would be fantastic. Oh well. Dreams are just that. Dreams.

Honestly fucking hate when customers interrupt me while im doing something. Jesus christ i get im supposed to serve you above all else but my fucking health and venting is more important than you spending your money on fucking lotto when youre just going to lose. Get the fuck out of my face you stupid fuckin cunts. FUCK.

Alright im finishing my work shift and gonna go home and try to sleep. Might decide to hosptialize myself after this week is done after im done working. IDK. We will see. Im sure ill be back soon.

Did I mention i literally want to have sex all the fucking time. Jesus christ im masterbating like 4 times a day and thinking about sex probably 12 times a day. Its horrific. I see something even SLIGHTLY in the most minuscule amount provactive im hard as an ironwood branch in seconds. & it doesnt go away for at least 45 minutes up to an hour if i dont masterbate. Then it can come back as soon as 3o minutes later. Im fucking dying. My girlfriend lives 5o minutes away, its fucking terrible.

Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.

I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.

I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.

I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.

I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.

I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.

Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.

The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.

The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!

Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.

Content

Talking with my therapist today made me realize that this girl who I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me was only that for this chapter in my life. There will be a girl who I meet who will be the plots zenith of my story. What I lost may be irreplaceable, but that is not a bad thing. What we had was inherently flawed, and that was my fault. But something new will happen and come into my life and it will be beautiful beyond measure and have me feeling elated and so content with life I will remember now and how I felt and it will be comical. I am glad she taught me this lesson, and I still find joy in the memories of our relationship, but I realize now that is was not my books zenith. It was the high point of this particular chapter and the end of that relationship was the low point. I am on to a new chapter of self discovery and reinvention. A path of creating new bridges and forming new bonds. I can only thank you for being what I needed in my life at this time of weakness and keeping me afloat. You may not be the best thing that ever happened to me but you are one of the most important. & for that I will always remember you and keep a special place in my heart for you. It may not be the one I thought it would be, but it is there none the less. I will always have love for the girl who broke my heart and whos heart I broke, but it is a love that is thankful and one that is memorable. It will not be slow burning and an ember like I thought it would be for so long. That is reserved for someone else in my life, and for the first time in my life, I am excited for the future.

Questions

What do I mean to you? What role do I play in your life? Where do I stand with you? Without me in your life, are the things I give replaceable, or are they unique to me and something you will miss? Do I give you the feeling of all youve wanted when combined with other people? If I took that away, would you be okay? Would you seek me out again, realizing that what I provide is irreplaceable or irreplicable, or would you leave it like dust in the wind, seeking it out within others? What would happen if you could never find it again? Would you try and make amends, or are you too proud and stubborn to ever try for reconciliation? Would you live your life bitter, and angry, that I took with me what cannot be replaced, or would you forgive and realize your mistake? Would you ever try again with me? You say you forgive, but you have not yet moved past. I can understand that. What I do not understand is my place in your life. Why do you keep me within arms distance and call upon me in times of need and distress, why do you tell me when something is wrong and when something bad happens. Why do you seek me out first or second? Why do you seek me out at all? Is our chapter in life not yet closed and moved on to the next stage in this story? Will there be another chapter? If yes, why? If no, why? Is there reason to keep within contact with one another? Is there reason not to? Is there reason to share our struggles, because we know one another and share that bond still, or are we being foolish and trying to keep parts we still like though they are broken? I need answers if I am to make a decision in my own life. It is not fair if you call all the shots. I am not trying to be black and white, that is why I am asking these questions. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to stay where I am with you, or if it is best to drop all this and move on? I need to figure out what is the best course of option for me, and to do that I need your help in answering these questions. Maybe you will find some answers from within yourself, that you could not find because you didnt know which questions to ask. Because you were not confronted with them. I am trying to figure out what is best for me, and I need you to work with me for that to happen. Please try, do not leave me hanging, or I will leave and take everything I give you with me, & I will not look back. That is not a threat, it is a geniune feeling I have and one I do not take lightly. I do not want to do that, but I wont play guessing games with you and try to figure out where I stand and what I provide. I am tired of not understanding. I understand your desire to be mysterious, but I need you to be clear with me about this.

I can not take guessing where I stand and what I mean to you any longer.