Ill be back by Dawn

What do you do when you begin to realize your inability to feel tired and the lack of sleep isnt affecting you. When you feel devoid of emotion yet also so full of emotion it beckons forth streams that turn to waterfalls. Oceans inside are swelling with no place for overflow anymore. Oceans inside are draining with no notion to where they are headed. Walls are torn down, walls are erected. The grass is alive and so green. The sky is in a heavy overcast, there is no sun. The trees billow freely yet my cheeks remain wet even after the rivers have dried and died.

It feels like a lucid dream, everything feels surreal. Nothing is real but how can that be when i see myself typing this very post. The hairs stand on my neck, the breeze creeps up my leg. I glissade down the rabbit hole. Cautious yet curious. My mind is whole yet fractured. The schism between who I am and who I want to be. Where does this trail lead? I see fresh footprints but there is no displaced grass. They are floating? My eyes are closed, im experiencing sensations that feel alien. How to describe something that hasnt been felt before. There is no experience to draw from.

Experience. What a funny notion. We draw from these fragmentations in order to better prepare for current happenings even though there will never be two things that are quite the same. Our own memories distorted to achieve what we believe to be true. No outside influence. Just us. Gaslighting ourselves eventually when asked to recall or call upon the experience when needed. Can one have experience in losing their mind? How does that work? Am I actually losing it, or am i just experiencing new concepts for the first time from a new summit in life? The letters are falling off the screen, black dots are dancing across my vision. I refocus. They dissipate. They return. They disappear. I have an overwhelming sense of relief and tension wash over my body. Like willingly submerging yourself into freezing water. Its molten down into the nerve endings. My skin is ablaze. My skin is taut. My mind is racing. My mind is expanding. My soul is fleeting. My heartbeat syncs with the musics bassline. When did i go from listening to R&B and Rap to EDM? The song is WILDFIRE by Jaenga.

Why do I feel so much tension. The sun rises soon. I am one with the sun. It melts the feelings of inadequacy away. The feelings of worthlessness take root and grow. The moon waxes and wanes. The oceans are shoved and yanked backwards. Rains pours from open skies. Sunshine blossoms from dark clouds. Is this what it means to be one and yet feel everything? Is this what it means to be all yet feel nothing?

I feel all the microscopic tears in my muscles. My entire body is agony. My pain is ecstasy. I feel growth. I regress. I gain yet lose. Every step forward is a step in place. Every step backwards is a leap ahead? My past is dead. I can learn nothing from it, ive gleamed all I could from it. My past is full of information. I have so much to learn.

Why do i feel so light, as if im floating? Why am i sinking upwards? Where is my mind taking me as i vocalize these thoughts and come in and out. So much time has passed. I’ve been typing for 13 minutes. Its been days. The lights flicker. My vision fades then my pupils dilates and the world reveals itself. Am i experiencing this in real life or inside my mind? It feels real. It isnt real. This isnt real. Im not real. My mind is real. This is real. IT IS REAL?

Internal monologues are quite common among people. They are healthy. I talk frequently to myself. Heres the thing though… I keep asking questions and getting silence in return. Have you ever asked yourself something and there is no response? Not even fleeting thoughts, just total and deafening silence. Its like tinnitus. Real life fades away, and Im in a room alone watching things dissipate in real time until im alone in a large room. Like a reverb chamber. I hear my heart beat slowly fade and my breathing slows. Eventually I am devoid of all sensations, and yet there is still no response.

I am at peace. I am at war. I am war, herald of peace. I am peace, harbinger of war. I am dying to live. I am living to die.

I pull out and everything floods back into real time. Everything is surreal. No time has passed. Hours have passed. I see the first tendrils of sunshine peak over the horizon. They envelope the entirety of my vision. The entity is beckoning. I am alive. I am… well?

I dont know what the fuck is going on anymore. Im sure ill glean insight from this in time. Im going to watch the sunrise. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. They are my favorite. Its all so serene and peaceful. Its all i want to share with someone. The beauty, the fleeting feelings of sadness being eradicated and the growth of happiness and the seeds of love blossoming. Im numb. I feel everything but i am numb. I miss you. Im sorry.

Life & Death

Why is my self worth & worth to lovers tied so closely to my fiscal success and the ability to physically provide? looking back and reminiscing it pains me to say I’ve had questions surrounding that notion pointed my way even though my job at the time averaged $40 an hour, although it wasn’t a long term investment job. It really fucking hurts you know. I promise I’m worth more than money. Why was money such an important make or break that it overtook anything & everything else I was willing to provide? It hurts so much. Really just makes me want to commit to financial success damning all the rest and disappear forever after the fact is known I made it.

Disappearing after military service gets completed does sound so nice to be honest. I spent all morning crying fantasizing about it and how shitty everything is. It’s weird how suicide seems like such an easy out but I absolutely despise the idea now for myself. After coming so close those years back, I really don’t think I’ll ever attempt again. Suicidal ideation is weird now because death and the idea of it seems so pleasing and like release, yet the joys life brings and the success I want to have literally destroys any notion of wanting to die. Dying before I finish what I want to do is my biggest fear in life now. I guess my “obsession” or ideation about dying now is much more figurative or metaphorical in the sense that I want to distance myself from my past but also move past it and the best way I can see for that to happen is to “kill” myself. My memories, my past, my habits, my name. Anything tied to my past failures. Not necessarily running away. I don’t want to run away. I think healing is a life long process and it’s unique to everyone.

Forgiveness is one of the biggest things to be achieved in order to let go and be happy. Unfortunately forgiveness is not something I offer myself. I’m letting my failures define who I am instead of dictate how I should forge forward in order to succeed. I don’t know how to let go besides erasing who I am and starting anew. I really don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone currently. Or maybe I do and it’s so strong it scares me so I force it away and suppress it because I’m afraid of all those relationships ceasing to be as well. Things are okay if I end them on my terms, or so I think. I’m not sure yet if it’s the best notion to believe that being “in control” of how things end is actually beneficial to my mental. Things seemed easier when everything was ambiguous and there was still a small flame there. I snuffed that out and the last facades of light are slowly fading from vision and the cavern is going all black. Metaphorical death I think is on the horizon.

You know how even when it’s pitch black you can still determine different depths or shades of darkness ? That’s currently how it feels. Everything around me is dark, & looking toward the future, that horizon I see is even darker. Is darkness really such a bad thing though…? I’m terrified of the dark, but should I be? Imagine being at peace in the dark and while lonely. Imagine finding the ability to remain hopeful or happy when all around you there is nothing but shadows and death. Is the death of who you are and ego really something to be fearful of? The things I like about myself I can always find again. The good things can always be reforged.

I think being able to remain bright and bold when there is darkness lurking that threatens to consume you at a moments weakness is something I’ve failed at before. Maybe it’s not the dark around me that I’m afraid of losing to but the darkness inside me I’m trying to keep from escaping that is shaping my perspective. Maybe it’s a mix of both. There is this core inside I’m trying so hard to keep lit inside of me. I can sometimes almost feel tendrils wrapping around it. I’m wondering how long I have to nurture the Phoenix before it deflagrates the entirety of the darkness inside. I’ve got a suspicion its going to cause a conflagration in my physical life as well and some relationships will be too scorched to salvage at that point.

Does love drive people mad or is it grief? You’d think people would want passionate lovers and friends but passion can turn to obsession and jealously so insanely fast I think passion is the ultimate failure of the human emotion spectrum of left unchecked. I’m so passionate about giving all the love I deny myself to others that when I find them sad or lonely or depressed it becomes my main prerogative in life to let them know they are cherished and loved and appreciated. I will stop at nothing. It’s an insatiable hunger and desire with such intensity. Seeing people light up and their faces change, their auras exuding newfound confidence and hope, their demeanor changing to one of hopefulness. Hearing genuine laughter, noting real smiles. Have you ever noticed people smell differently when actually happy? Seeing this and helping people achieve this brings me such great joy and happiness that is so momentary and fleeting it becomes such a depressive vicious cycle. Imagine doing everything in your power to help someone succeed & then they want to help you and you refuse because you don’t think you deserve it. And eventually they get tired of the constant negativity surrounding you and your inability to do for yourself what you do for others. They leave. Because they don’t want to go back to the place they were before. I don’t want to leave the place I am. They don’t leave me behind, I usher them forward and close the door. Eventually the knocking subsides and I’ll open it back up, only to find nobody there anymore. & I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

At some point in the future I will cease to be. I’ll disappear. I won’t want to be found until I can look at myself and not see the sadness and anger lurking inside.

I’m just sad.

Still think about her everyday & god damn does it hurt so much but I know eventually pain fades and my happy memories with her won’t evoke feelings of worthlessness or pain. The sad memories won’t evoke feelings of longing or regret. Eventually she will just be someone I gave my all and things didn’t work out how I wanted them to. I think knowing this makes the pain that much worse now, because she really was the one I wanted to fall asleep next to and wake up with for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure I’ll always miss the good times and hearing songs I know she likes makes me smile at first and then just feel such intense depression and the desperation grows to reach out to her and just let her know I really do care about her still. For my sake though I really can’t do that, because I need to move along and grow without her because she doesn’t want what we had anymore. I don’t really blame her either. I kinda suck. My highs are great. My lows are literally awful. My middling mind I’m sure seem more like disinterest or standoffish, when in reality it’s much closer to just being content with the fact that I know I’m in love and don’t want to ruin it because I kind of suck. Ahhhhh I’m so sad. I do miss her. So much. Oh well. I just want to hear the sound of her voice once more, even if I know it won’t be for a long while again. It’s just so soothing to my soul and makes me feel at peace every time we locked eyes. Maybe some day I’ll learn how to take what I can write and vocalize it to those I love and want to spend time with. I’m really sorry Lissa.

The Orlando attack and the people who support it sicken me to outrage. To say you would murder more people, to say you would do the same, to say they deserved it for something that is beyond their control. They have been persecuted for millennia & made examples of through public executions, being burned alive, hung, shot in the head, beaten to death, even stoned to death if we are to bring it back that far. You would think, if it was a choice, they would opt out of it knowing they will be killed, ousted from their communities, family, and friends. Treated with disdain & shown malice at the slightest hint of their sexual orientation. Killed by others because they do not agree with their values, their lifestyle, their genetic makeup. It is heinous crime. Hate crimes happen against people all over the world, but that should not diminish the outrage and pain we should all feel for this community and the struggles they go through day to day. They are hunted by people like animals & killed in abundance. For what? You religious values state that murder is a sin, yet you commit it with no hesitation against someone who does not hold up to your perfect little ideological bullshit of a world. You people sicken me. To think that you believe this to be okay, that it is just & necessary. What the fuck is wrong with you?

People don’t seem to understand the rage I have caged inside of me. They think they can relate, but they can’t. I bathe in rage. It always finds its way into every thought, every passing moment I find it lurking there. Every scenario i’ve dreamed about, envisioned in my head as I do something mindless, and even during ones that require intense focus. Its there. Traipsing. It stalks me with no motive other than to just be present. I envision murder for no reason, death for no reason, maiming others for no reason. Lashing out and burning bridges, for no reason other than to sate the beast. I feel so out of control. I’m afraid what I dream will come true, or perhaps I fear that I am already on the path of making it a reality.

I am not a violent or bitter person. I am not angry. I just have a rage inside so vast in scope it blots out reason and morality. It destroys and corrupts all it touches.

I do not know where it stems from. It’s always been there. I’ve used it for fuel, thinking one day maybe it will run out, but all thats done has made its depth unfathomable. It knows no bounds, and its always increasing. It strikes fear into my heart, because I am afraid I will hurt the ones I love. I know I will hurt the ones I love.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Past -> Present -> Future

All my life I’ve ran from or denied any problems that have come my way. From being beaten to sexually assaulted and held down and made fun of for being a young boy. From being emotionally tormented and told I’d never amount to shit or a prison number. From chaos in my life at home to school. From mistakes made in relationships.

All I’ve ever done is run. Run away from it all. All my life I’ve done a damn good job at running too. I’ve only let the past catch me a couple times, but god damn when it did… it was beyond fucking brutal.

It is the worst thing to happen to me. It goes beyond each individual experience because they all meld together to form one soul crushing behemoth that blacks out my vision and has driven me to try and commit suicide. Multiple times. Each one a failure. Each one a permanent mark in the back of my mind about a time where I felt so weak, so overcome with emotion and memories of past events that all I wanted was a way out of the dark. The way I chose was a permanent darkness.

Im not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I realize that I have problems I need to deal with. Demons I need to confront and get comfortable with.

You can’t kill memories though. Every time you try they just come back stronger, with a maelstrom of emotion and eyes full of rage. They snuff out that beacon of hope you carry within in. For a while you wander around in the dark, sometimes losing out all hope of ever relighting that beacon, and you just want the dark to go away. You want all the misery and rage and sorrow to leave. So you try and do that in any way possible. Some people drink their lives away, some get high stay high, mixing downers with uppers. Some people get so overwhelmed they think putting a bullet in their head is the only way out, or maybe jumping in front of a car, or swallowing their entire months supply of medication. I know some of these have all at some point in time been my way out.

I’ve been the drinker. I’ve been that guy that can’t seem to stay sober and gets high all the time. I’ve been that guy thats been at his temple with a .40. I’ve been that guy thats tried to jump out in front of traffic. Im the one who took 60 pills and hoped i’d never wake up.

All that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, it never did. It’s something that has happened, and I can’t change that fact of my life. I think about how lost I was in the dark, how alone and afraid I’ve been, and how hopeless I’ve felt. All I think about after that is “will this come to pass again?” “Next time, am I going to be successful with something for the first time in my life?” It consumes my mind. It turns it into this black hole of oblivion that nothing escapes from and it blocks out all other thoughts.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be in the dark again. Im terrified of the dark. Nyctophobia is the name for it. I can’t be in the dark mentally or physically without becoming overcome with the fear of whats out there, or whats going to happen. It’s bad enough having to live with it, but the mental strain of never knowing when something is going to to trigger me into a downward spiral keeps me on the verge of panic.

Right now I’m just lost and terrified of whats coming next, because I honestly have no idea. I hate the unknown. I always have. I think that’s where my fear of the dark comes from.

I think I’m at a turning point in my life though. Things have been happening where I can’t change the outcome no matter how hard I try. People are removing me from their lives. I can’t do anything to change any of this, and honestly I feel so lost and hopeless. I feel like I’m in the dark even though my beacon is still lit. I just am afraid of what my next step is because I’m so close to the edge of living dangerously that I’m afraid my best decision will actually be my worst. I won’t know until I try though, and because of that I need to make decisions and I need to experience life and go out and do things. I need to stay away from oblivion.

I am uncertain about the future. Hell, I don’t even know whats going on in the present. All I can really hope for is for everything to work out, and for people to welcome me back in their lives. With or without hesitation, I don’t care, I just want people back in my life for me. So I can have more relationships with people, so I can feel comfortable with others, so I can feel like I belong. I just want to be happy, and my entire life i’ve been running from that too, because I don’t know what it actually feels like to be happy.

Happiness is one of those things where its the greatest thing in the world when its present. Take happiness away though. All you’re left with is a sense of yearning for once what was. Sorrow and anxiety come to take its place. Fear is another. You’re left with this terrible concoction of emotions all because a great one went away. That’s why I’m terrified of happiness, because once it’s gone I’m afraid my light will go too, and because of that I am afraid of what I might do.

 

I’m not exactly sure what I hoped to accomplish with this but I hope I did accomplish it. I wonder what life entails..

Demons

I saw a man who wasnt there today. My thoughts are invaded. I can feel death around me everywhere. I see things I shouldnt be able to. I hear whispers in tongues. I feel animosity and ominosity suffocating me with every turn. I am terrified.

An anomaly 

My ability to work independently has been compromised. I cannot be somewhere even with a person 50 feet away. I always feel like I am being hunted. Watched. Stalked. I see shadows move in my vision that I can not determine if they are real or not. I see a leering face just out of reach, someone in a white mask. 

I have irrational fears for a grownup, feelings of having a demon snatch me up or hurt me when I am alone. I feel as if I am a forsaken angel and the visions I have from God are trying to guide me back to reality. I do not feel… Human. Not do I feel supernatural. I feel like I am the result of something in between a bond between the two. Something that was not meant to be. I am cursed.

None of this makes any sense and I am rambling. I don’t know why… I just feel the need to talk for some reason. Nobody even listens. Nobody ever does.
I am an anomaly. Self aware enough to know something is wrong, to know what I see and feel is not real, but I cannot stop myself from seeing, from hearing, from believing. From feeling like everything that happening is real. I tell myself that this is all a facade. That none of this is real..

So why do I constantly feel on edge and why am I fighting with myself..?