I’m just sad.

Still think about her everyday & god damn does it hurt so much but I know eventually pain fades and my happy memories with her won’t evoke feelings of worthlessness or pain. The sad memories won’t evoke feelings of longing or regret. Eventually she will just be someone I gave my all and things didn’t work out how I wanted them to. I think knowing this makes the pain that much worse now, because she really was the one I wanted to fall asleep next to and wake up with for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure I’ll always miss the good times and hearing songs I know she likes makes me smile at first and then just feel such intense depression and the desperation grows to reach out to her and just let her know I really do care about her still. For my sake though I really can’t do that, because I need to move along and grow without her because she doesn’t want what we had anymore. I don’t really blame her either. I kinda suck. My highs are great. My lows are literally awful. My middling mind I’m sure seem more like disinterest or standoffish, when in reality it’s much closer to just being content with the fact that I know I’m in love and don’t want to ruin it because I kind of suck. Ahhhhh I’m so sad. I do miss her. So much. Oh well. I just want to hear the sound of her voice once more, even if I know it won’t be for a long while again. It’s just so soothing to my soul and makes me feel at peace every time we locked eyes. Maybe some day I’ll learn how to take what I can write and vocalize it to those I love and want to spend time with. I’m really sorry Lissa.

Development

Its been 3.5 years since I last logged on and made a status update. So much has happened in my life since then, its actually hard to comprehend where I currently stand as I read thru my past. I don’t recognize that person at all. It honestly terrifies me the thoughts that went thru my head and realizing I was so close, so many times, to engaging in acts of thoughtless violence and depraved violence that bordered on evil.

 

I recently broke up with the women I was speaking of previously. Lissa was a blessing to me, and I carry no ill will towards her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I grew to love her and opened my heart. That isn’t going to happen now, and that’s okay. Not everything you want to happen, should happen, and I think ive been hard at work over the past couple years trying to come to that realization. Things fell apart between us. There was no giant fight, no hatred that developed, no infidelity. Just a breakdown of communication and incompatible personalities that we tried to breach and failed. It is greatly saddening in way, and honestly I do have several regrets. That’s okay though, and ive gained so much from this experience and such a pure love, its left a profound impact on me that will influence me for the rest of my life.

 

I still struggle with my mental illness, but I no longer take any medication. Ive turned to “drugs” in a sense, but not an actual reliance. I use psychedelics and MDMA sparingly alongside weed and CBD and have joined a few communities in which I have incredibly supportive friends. I frequent the gym 6 times a week and now am trying to get back on track with a diet plan and keeping my house clean. Ive fallen in love with concerts and festivals of all varieties, I bartend now, and ive taken to exploring nature and becoming one with the entities inside myself.

 

It was very weird, I took a rather large dose of mushrooms and molly at a concert I went to for my first hippie flip, and while at the concert I had a wave of realization and overwhelming raw emotion pull me into what seemed like an out of body experience. I can hardly remember the concert tbh. After words I went thru an incredibly depressing weeks long come down, which most likely had to do the fact that id recently broken up with the girl of my dreams. However, its been a few months since then, and now im beginning to understand that overpowering sense of emotion was simply a barrier crumbling that allowed all my repressions to burst forth. I had such intense suicidal urges, and still do from time to time. I still can hear what seems to be apparatus right outside of ear shot but still so softly and clearly whispering into my mind. It no longer bothers me, however. Ive grown to understand that my trauma manifests in a way now that demands punishment of myself, but ive also grown to know that while my trauma has shaped me, it does not define who I am.

 

There is this very small core inside me now that I would chance to say is impenetrable. It is within here that ive began to take the steps to shape a legacy I would be proud to leave behind and represent. It does not grow every day, but it also never shrinks. I will not chance regression in one area for success in another. I will succeed on all fronts, no matter how long that takes me or how hard it is.

 

I’m planning on joining the Marines in a few years once there has been significant medical documentation that I have been successful without medications or therapy for over 6 years. I have no plans to disclose it because its sealed, but if it does come to light, the theory ive been proposed is that it was not of significance due to the fact that its been so many years and there have been no complications even without outside influence guiding me. Ive wanted to join the Marines since ive been like 10. I cant fail myself and not bother trying.

 

Things in life have honestly just been kind of happening with no major plans. I cant actually recollect much about the last near 4 years. There is a lot of pain im still trying to process, a lot of mistakes im trying to come to terms with, and the fact that I still such at communication despite so much effort put forth to get better at it. Writing down my feelings is so easy, and I can formulate such complex topics and emotions in a way that makes sense, but if I open my mouth, the words congeal in my throat and I can hardly breathe. I seize up and can be very confrontational when it comes to certain emotions. Ive made progress, but definitely still have a long way to go.

 

Honestly I have no clue what possessed me to seek this out and remember I even made this years back when I was basically committed to blowing my brains out. I figure now is a good time as any in order to try and get back in touch with myself and write down my feelings while im in isolation the majority of the time. Ill try and post frequently, at least more frequently than every leap year, hahaha.

IM BACK!

& MANIC!!!! FML.

Got into a fight with my girlfriend (I never fight with her, we argue sometimes but that’s the end of it, a small argument) broke a 100$ PC cooler that i was using for a build in a computer i was making for my little brother becuase i couldnt get my fucking fingers between it and the MOBO heatsink, left dents in my desk from frustration punches, spent 500$ on the build because i just need to finish the fucker so i can hurry up and sell it to him. Its taking me two hours to fall asleep and although i sleep for 6-8 hours, i wake up feeling tired sometimes, which is honestly extremely fucking weird because if i get 2-4 i wake up feeling refreshed and ready to fuck shit up. Honestly dont know if my diagnosis is bipolar 1 with psychotic features or if its actually schizoaffective bipolar subtype because for the last two months or so the bipolar symptoms have gradually gotten worse to where its full blown mania at this point, but when i was just starting to notice the patterns and what was going on, i was already paranoid, having delusions that I was gonna invent time travel and discover the cure to this god damn disease by taking what we know today back 100 years, and hearing things that werent actually there upon investigation. Like when i was at work working in the cooler and i heard two people mumbling in a conversation. & yes i am fairly confident in my ability to tell if i am psychotic or not when i actually am. I reason with myself while counting to 10 repeatedly because it helps me focus. I count to ten until i start to think about whats happening in my life and subconsciously keep counting while i hash it out with myself. IDK why it works, but it works. & i know that i am psychotic, but it comes and goes. Its not omnipresent, which is also extremely fucking weird because in all my research ive never found anything that says youre psychotic one day and not the next while having an episode whether it be schizophrenia or a mood episode. The pattern usually is youre psychotic, lack of sleep exacerbates that until youre unable to function, and then youre hospitalized and/or put on meds to help you. Well im on the maximum dosage of Geodon thats pharmaceutically therapeutic, and on a low end  to moderate dosage of lamictal at 200mg. 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL daily, although sometimes i forget to take it because i take it when i wake up instead of when i go to sleep with the others. Im constantly taking 1-200 mg of Diphenhydramine HCl just to fucking sleep and its still taking me 45-120 minutes to fall asleep. I dont have any Klonopin left because my dumb ass decided i didnt need to refill it and i could just deal with this shit. Now im fucked until I see my PA in 8 days to figure out what the fucking is going on and if i need to hospitalize myself. Which i probably do because when a customer looks at me wrong at work during the night Im planning out how to fucking murder them and their bloodline and taking my own life after or doing something drastic in a suicidal way. I literally envision it in such clear vivid detail and i have a plan for every situation that arises and i relish the chance just to fucking do it. I cant wait for the day some motherfucker pushes me one step too far. Im just so fucking angry all the god damn time for no reason. Im ALWAYS on a knifes edge. & its not just any knife, its a fucking medieval era samurai sword edge and im slowly cutting myself in half length wise. I NEED help but i dont want that shit and im too stubborn to accept it, but if my doc says i need to be hospitalized then ill go on my own accord. I wont let them commit me because that means ill never be able to own a gun or join the military if im ever off meds and not seeing a psych. Which i know probably isnt ever possible but i like to dream. The military suits my lifestyle of extremely hard work ethic, body destroying training/workouts, and perfectionism that goes perfectly with my OCPD. I swear to god id be the perfect soldier if i didnt want to kill my CO for calling me something i didnt like. But maybe one day i could get around that. IDK. Who knows. Probbaly someone who knows me like i know me but isnt really fucked up in the head. God if i had someone like that it would be fantastic. Oh well. Dreams are just that. Dreams.

Honestly fucking hate when customers interrupt me while im doing something. Jesus christ i get im supposed to serve you above all else but my fucking health and venting is more important than you spending your money on fucking lotto when youre just going to lose. Get the fuck out of my face you stupid fuckin cunts. FUCK.

Alright im finishing my work shift and gonna go home and try to sleep. Might decide to hosptialize myself after this week is done after im done working. IDK. We will see. Im sure ill be back soon.

Did I mention i literally want to have sex all the fucking time. Jesus christ im masterbating like 4 times a day and thinking about sex probably 12 times a day. Its horrific. I see something even SLIGHTLY in the most minuscule amount provactive im hard as an ironwood branch in seconds. & it doesnt go away for at least 45 minutes up to an hour if i dont masterbate. Then it can come back as soon as 3o minutes later. Im fucking dying. My girlfriend lives 5o minutes away, its fucking terrible.

Stuck between a hypomanic episode and mild/moderate depression. Am told i am just cycling due to life changes (work, girlfriend back at college, debt) but i dont think its just cycling. Honestly feel like im about to have an episode and honestly feel like i have  dysthymia. Probably just my hypochondria though. Then again its probably not. Cant wait to talk to my psychologist so i can just figure out what the fuck is going on. Got my lamictal upped too. Thats not too bad though, its helping with the sleep. No long needing to take unisom and melatonin. I sleep between 4-8 hours. It really just depends on the day. Anyways im just really fucking irritable but also elated but also feeling apathetic and low motivation. Shit doesnt make any sense.

Having flashbacks of when I was sexually assaulted randomly today. Its really put me in an awful mood because it just tears down my self esteem because of what I remember being said to me when I was so young. It really destroys my confidence in who I am and what I am about. Its honestly just bullshit.

Well its been about a month since Ive last been on here. Life has been pretty good. My meds are finally right with no needed adjustments necessary right now. Still looking for a job but I think I might just take one 3rd shift at this store on the corner by where I live. Normally I wouldnt do this since I’m a pretty proud person and think anything thats not important is beneath me, but im trying to broaden my horizions and to do so, I think I need to humble myself. Goals are to get a car, find a better job after thats been established, hit the gym daily once I have my car, then find a place to live that isnt my parents house. Baby steps though, baby steps. I just need to focus on whats in front of me and take that on first before I even start to think about the future and what I want to do. Its nice to have a plan and all, but you need to complete the small tasks before you in order to conquer the larger task beyond those small ones. Right now my big plan is just going back to school. Not finding a career, not get married, not have kids, not anything but just going back to school.

Now that I have a woman in my life again life seems a bit more approachable. I have someone to lean on and someone who leans on me. We feed off eachothers energy and keep eachother in check. We support one another. Thats all I really want and need.

I’ll try and keep in touch more frequently. Its just been on the back of my mind really and no drive has been present to post until tonight. Thanks!

Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.

I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.

I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.

I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.

I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.

I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.

Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.

The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.

The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!

Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.

The Orlando attack and the people who support it sicken me to outrage. To say you would murder more people, to say you would do the same, to say they deserved it for something that is beyond their control. They have been persecuted for millennia & made examples of through public executions, being burned alive, hung, shot in the head, beaten to death, even stoned to death if we are to bring it back that far. You would think, if it was a choice, they would opt out of it knowing they will be killed, ousted from their communities, family, and friends. Treated with disdain & shown malice at the slightest hint of their sexual orientation. Killed by others because they do not agree with their values, their lifestyle, their genetic makeup. It is heinous crime. Hate crimes happen against people all over the world, but that should not diminish the outrage and pain we should all feel for this community and the struggles they go through day to day. They are hunted by people like animals & killed in abundance. For what? You religious values state that murder is a sin, yet you commit it with no hesitation against someone who does not hold up to your perfect little ideological bullshit of a world. You people sicken me. To think that you believe this to be okay, that it is just & necessary. What the fuck is wrong with you?