I want to break things. Why did I let her back into my life. Why do I fucking care so much. Why do I do this to myself. Why?
I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.
I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing everything I’ve set out to do in life.
I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.
I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.
I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.
Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.
All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.
I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.
I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.
I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.
All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.
I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.
I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.
I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.
I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.
I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…
Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.
I keep thinking about M and its driving me fucking insane. Thoughts are intrusive and frequent. I just want her out of my fucking head, I want to move on, I want to be done with this bullshit. It’s over, so why can’t I get past that aspect? What is there holding me back..? I’ve no fucking clue, but it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off.
I just want to move on like she did. I want to see new people and not feel guilty. I want to have casual relations and not have flashbacks to my time spent with her. I just want her out of my fucking skull.
Her smile is burned into my vision. I meet the gaze she used to give me everyday inside my mind, one of amazment & total love and devotion. I hear her laugh randomly when doing day to day tasks. Its fucking bullshit. I hate it. I hate that I still love her. For no reason. It drives me mad. It makes me never want to love again if I face feeling this way every time something doesnt work out. I cant deal with this fucking shit. Im so heartbroken over a girl at 19, i cant imagine what its going to be like when im 33 and a woman im in love with tells me she wants a divorce. Im going to fucking die. Im going to curl into a ball and Im going to die from a broken heart. Jesus fuck im so scared of love. Its so wonderful but it hurts so damn bad. How do people cope with loss like this? I still feel like I ripped half of my soul out and burned it alive. I did this to myself and I can’t imagine what its going to be like when someone else does it for me. Im terrified.
I have completed my part in partial hospitalization as of today. The question remains if I feel like I still need it. Partial? No. Full inpatient? … Maybe. I am unsure. I keep having passive thoughts of offing myself, but I figured out after some discussion with the onsite psychiatrist that it is my baseline. I am likely to be genetically inclined to be more suicidal then my peers for some odd reason. My brain is apparently wired, when under distress, to be more active in suicidal ideation thoughts and I am more likely to carry them out. I am fighting this mass of evil that hangs over me valiantly, but I am still failing. I wonder if long term inpatient would be where I belong.. Maybe running away to an institution is what I should do. I don’t fucking understand or know anything anymore. My thoughts are obsessive and consuming. It feels like i am breathing ether more and more every day. I am fighting something I have no way to win against. It is exhausting but if I quit fighting then I die. I can only prolong death and perhaps choose what kills me. That is all.
I wonder what it is like to be normal and happy. Honestly, truly happy. Not manic. I wonder how amazing that must feel. To know you are not going to come back down and crash. It muse feel like heaven.