What do I mean to you? What role do I play in your life? Where do I stand with you? Without me in your life, are the things I give replaceable, or are they unique to me and something you will miss? Do I give you the feeling of all youve wanted when combined with other people? If I took that away, would you be okay? Would you seek me out again, realizing that what I provide is irreplaceable or irreplicable, or would you leave it like dust in the wind, seeking it out within others? What would happen if you could never find it again? Would you try and make amends, or are you too proud and stubborn to ever try for reconciliation? Would you live your life bitter, and angry, that I took with me what cannot be replaced, or would you forgive and realize your mistake? Would you ever try again with me? You say you forgive, but you have not yet moved past. I can understand that. What I do not understand is my place in your life. Why do you keep me within arms distance and call upon me in times of need and distress, why do you tell me when something is wrong and when something bad happens. Why do you seek me out first or second? Why do you seek me out at all? Is our chapter in life not yet closed and moved on to the next stage in this story? Will there be another chapter? If yes, why? If no, why? Is there reason to keep within contact with one another? Is there reason not to? Is there reason to share our struggles, because we know one another and share that bond still, or are we being foolish and trying to keep parts we still like though they are broken? I need answers if I am to make a decision in my own life. It is not fair if you call all the shots. I am not trying to be black and white, that is why I am asking these questions. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to stay where I am with you, or if it is best to drop all this and move on? I need to figure out what is the best course of option for me, and to do that I need your help in answering these questions. Maybe you will find some answers from within yourself, that you could not find because you didnt know which questions to ask. Because you were not confronted with them. I am trying to figure out what is best for me, and I need you to work with me for that to happen. Please try, do not leave me hanging, or I will leave and take everything I give you with me, & I will not look back. That is not a threat, it is a geniune feeling I have and one I do not take lightly. I do not want to do that, but I wont play guessing games with you and try to figure out where I stand and what I provide. I am tired of not understanding. I understand your desire to be mysterious, but I need you to be clear with me about this.
I can not take guessing where I stand and what I mean to you any longer.
I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with the past, more so just in constant wonderment about what could have been if I had not fucked things up and figuring out why I fucked up. I think about the past more than the future, and that’s probably why I keep making mistakes. I’m too focused on what’s behind me and and can’t pay enough attention to what lies before me. I don’t know why it’s like this. I just want to change the past. I don’t like where I’m at currently and know if I hadn’t made the mistakes I have, then I would be happy now instead of constantly wondering how I’m going to off myself and not giving a shit about who it affects.
I’m selfish in a very particular way. I give all I have to give, but I only do so to provoke a reaction I will like. I manipulate people to make me feel better about myself. I don’t actually cause them to do anything. I don’t make them do things they will regret. I just evoke particular reactions and emotions that make me feel good about myself. My self worth comes from whether or not people like me. So I manipulate them by giving all I have and doing whatever they want in order to receive a reaction that makes me feel worth something and loved. It’s something I don’t know how to change. It’s depressing in its entirety and out of control.
It backfired on me. The relationship I poured everything into and the girl I fell in love with broke. It fell apart due to my inability to talk to about my feelings due to fear of rejection and evoking emotions of distrust and anger. I wanted her to feel nothing but love and bliss. Pleasure and trust. Instead my selfishness caused that to fail. Yet I still try with her doing the same exact thing. It’s pitiful. It is unbearable. It makes me not want to feel at all. In fact I’ve decided I won’t feel anymore. I give up on all of it.
I hate her. But I’m so in love still. I was never given a second chance though I felt I deserve one. It’s unfair. I never meant to hurt her. I did all I could to prevent hurt at the time. My way of thinking was convoluted and fragile but it worked for so long. I don’t understand how the denial of my emotion and burying how I felt got so out of control and so tremendous. I even dissociated for months because the agony was too great. I did things I don’t remember. The way I was told I acted and the things I said and did made no sense to me. That is not who I am. I don’t understand how I could be honest about what I buried and freak out and tell a girl I never loved that I loved her and wanted to be with her. It is so alien to me. I denied a crush I had before I met her and it swelled and burst after years of negligence. A crush I had before I met the girl I fell in love with caused the relationship to fail. Because I buried it and refused to deal with it. I honestly think my love for her spilled over into this crush when it surfaced. It sounds like an excuse and sounds unbelievable. Maybe it actually is. But it’s what’s true to me.
Now I listen to her problems and worry about her constantly. I watch her try with things that will ruin her. I can do nothing but watch and that is my punishment.