When the switch flips and you feel the energy radiating outwards from within & right under your heart.

Perfect timing because I leave to the west coast tomorrow!

I stop in Chicago on my way back. I’ll deal with that hurdle when I get to it.

I just wish my thoughts matched me energy outside of the gym and shower haha

Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.

I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.

I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.

I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.

I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.

I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.

Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.

The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.

The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!

Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.

War

I stay to myself mostly because I am scared i am going to hurt someone. I see it constantly in my head. I just snap. Whether it be for no reason at all, or because someone was threatening me, or someone said something i didn’t like. A life or death situation, a house party, in the middle of a classroom. I scare myself because I know its possible. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, so I imagine if I was put into those situations I would act how I imagine. I envision it constantly. Murder, assault, heinous acts of violence committed for seemingly no reason than I wanted to do it sometimes. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt someone. Even if it was for good reason, life self defense, I take it to the next level. I am brutal in another sense. On a different level of reality. People think it stops eventually but it doesnt. I go past turning a head into mush and literally crush the concrete underneath it. I don’t stop, I cant stop. I have this endless pool of rage i tap into and it fuels everything I do. I control it until I snap. I usually restrain it after I’ve had my time and come back to reality. But i don’t know if I’d stop when faced with a stranger. I don’t know if I’d stop when faced when caught on an off day. I wouldn’t stop actually. I know I wouldn’t because i can feel the energy of it. It is unfathomable. Its not possible to know the vastness of it. Its depth. Its reservoirs are constantly being filled past the brim and spilling into every other aspect of my life. It swells like a maelstrom during a thunderous rain. Two currents of seething rage fighting one another to be the dominant force. A fight between mindless, explosive rage and a cold, silent, calculated one. It never stops. Its always there, present in every movement i make, every thought I have, every ounce of my soul. Its there, making its presence known but never taking over. It taunts me, knowing it can overload my senses and turn me primal at any given moment. It knows & it relishes this. It feeds off my fear of what I am capable of. Two different aspects of power forged into one entity, capable of destroying everything in my life. A force so malevolent and vast it blocks out any hope for reason. There is only rage. Only hate. I can feel it slowly encroaching on my sanity. It blots out the sun and casts shadows on the stronghold I have built for myself. I have worked tirelessly to create something beautiful and full of love and hope. But i fear that I have not worked hard enough to counter balance the rage i have inside. This fear only amplifies its potency. Sometimes I fear i will never be able to create enough love to dilute the rage and make it manageable. Splitting it into two separate entities does not strike me as a solid plan. One day I am trying to destroy the world and all who reside in it, the next I am trying to rebuild it. It doesn’t make any sense. The only way this turns out good is if I somehow manage to create and feel enough love I can hold onto and keep it from shattering under the staggering weight and strength of what haunts me. I am not religious in the sense that I follow no religion, but I do believe in higher powers. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that God is all good. If man is made in the image of God, although imperfect, how can these imperfections be so deep and evil. They stem from my soul. I did not willingly create these demons, they just appeared somehow. I did nothing to summon them, nothing to influence them, nothing to cause them to maliciously attack me very being and attempt to corrupt me. How can I be made in the image of god when some aspects of who I am naturally resemble that of Lucifer. Was it just mere chance or was I just doomed from the beginning of time. Maybe I am meant to be an example of contrast between good and evil. The perfect being to showcase the natures of both love and hate. Maybe it is my destiny to be the perfect example of the realities of good and evil. The embodiment of God And Lucifer. Two forces fighting for control of helpless human beings who have no knowledge of what truly goes happens on a higher plane of existence. Perhaps I am special and because of that I am doomed. Made to be a example of for meddling in the affairs of that which I can not hope to understand in full. In my mind i see scraps of information, filtering through archaic nothingness only to stumble on something not meant for my eyes. It is my belief that we are all capable of this. We just don’t understand the nature of ourselves. Once we begin to understand we are destined to be overcome with stark contrasts in emotion and a sense of impeding death that is always around the color. Once we begin to understand we are punished. The living are not meant to understand the shortcomings of human nature, nor are they meant to understand the extent of which we are capable of. We are supposed to be sheep, being shepherd by the religions we follow, the demons we fear, the gods we wonder at in awe. Once we stop being sheep they try to bend us to their will through force. They do everything in their power to break us. Once we break we either kill or kill ourselves. We lose all sense of meaning in this world and turn primal. Our minds liquified into incoherent thoughts, fear, paranoia, rage. We don’t come back from that. It is why I fear myself so much. I am constantly on the brink of annihilation. Of soul crushing defeat. Of committing heinous crimes against my fellow brethren and sisters. Of losing myself in the midst of all that is going on inside my mind. The constant turmoil. Of rage turned hate and solace turned a deep fondness for love constantly contending with one another, vying for the ultimate triumph. I am so very confused and feel myself slipping. I am not sure how much longer my soul can take. It is in constant anguish and I feel this frustration creeping into every aspect of my life. Even of love. I feel like I am losing myself.

Manic-Depressive Embodied

I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.

I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing  everything I’ve set out to do in life.

I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.

I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.

I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.

Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.

All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.

I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.

I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.

I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.

All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.

I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.

I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.

I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.

I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…

Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.

 

Stupefied

I’ve been so apathetic the past few days it seems as if absolutely nothing in this world means anything to me. I simply want to lie in bed & close my eyes as I hope for sleep to take me. I’m perplexed as to what spurred this phenomenon. I felt lively just last week, maybe a little manic, but thats besides the point. It just seems out of nowhere I simply cannot care about a single god damned thing in my life, yet at the same time I cannot stop thinking about how I don’t care and why I actually should. You see, my mind is constantly analyzing every detail about every thing, no matter what it is:

The fabric of my linens dont all flow together perfectly, the people in my life are not acting how I expect them to, am I ever going to get my life together, am I going to go for 7 hours and 40 minutes of sleep or just a solid 8, will I be able to sleep at all, there is a shirt that isnt in its right spot hanging up in my closet and even though I cant see it,

it drives me mad. All of it does. Some of this is normal, some of it not so much and is part of my disorder.

I don’t actually care about any of it, yet I do in the sense that I am obsessing over things that I have no desire to try and change or actually worry about. It is exhausting. Suddenly not caring about anything with simultaneously worrying about absolutely everything is a recipe for disaster. It’s just a matter of time before I implode under the mental stress of it all, but honestly I’m not worried about it.