You know it really blows when you think maybe you’re finally moving past, & then a tsunami hits you and knocks you lower than you were originally.

I actually just fucking miss you like crazy it’s driving me insane I’m so pathetic.

When the switch flips and you feel the energy radiating outwards from within & right under your heart.

Perfect timing because I leave to the west coast tomorrow!

I stop in Chicago on my way back. I’ll deal with that hurdle when I get to it.

I just wish my thoughts matched me energy outside of the gym and shower haha

Life & Death

Why is my self worth & worth to lovers tied so closely to my fiscal success and the ability to physically provide? looking back and reminiscing it pains me to say I’ve had questions surrounding that notion pointed my way even though my job at the time averaged $40 an hour, although it wasn’t a long term investment job. It really fucking hurts you know. I promise I’m worth more than money. Why was money such an important make or break that it overtook anything & everything else I was willing to provide? It hurts so much. Really just makes me want to commit to financial success damning all the rest and disappear forever after the fact is known I made it.

Disappearing after military service gets completed does sound so nice to be honest. I spent all morning crying fantasizing about it and how shitty everything is. It’s weird how suicide seems like such an easy out but I absolutely despise the idea now for myself. After coming so close those years back, I really don’t think I’ll ever attempt again. Suicidal ideation is weird now because death and the idea of it seems so pleasing and like release, yet the joys life brings and the success I want to have literally destroys any notion of wanting to die. Dying before I finish what I want to do is my biggest fear in life now. I guess my “obsession” or ideation about dying now is much more figurative or metaphorical in the sense that I want to distance myself from my past but also move past it and the best way I can see for that to happen is to “kill” myself. My memories, my past, my habits, my name. Anything tied to my past failures. Not necessarily running away. I don’t want to run away. I think healing is a life long process and it’s unique to everyone.

Forgiveness is one of the biggest things to be achieved in order to let go and be happy. Unfortunately forgiveness is not something I offer myself. I’m letting my failures define who I am instead of dictate how I should forge forward in order to succeed. I don’t know how to let go besides erasing who I am and starting anew. I really don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone currently. Or maybe I do and it’s so strong it scares me so I force it away and suppress it because I’m afraid of all those relationships ceasing to be as well. Things are okay if I end them on my terms, or so I think. I’m not sure yet if it’s the best notion to believe that being “in control” of how things end is actually beneficial to my mental. Things seemed easier when everything was ambiguous and there was still a small flame there. I snuffed that out and the last facades of light are slowly fading from vision and the cavern is going all black. Metaphorical death I think is on the horizon.

You know how even when it’s pitch black you can still determine different depths or shades of darkness ? That’s currently how it feels. Everything around me is dark, & looking toward the future, that horizon I see is even darker. Is darkness really such a bad thing though…? I’m terrified of the dark, but should I be? Imagine being at peace in the dark and while lonely. Imagine finding the ability to remain hopeful or happy when all around you there is nothing but shadows and death. Is the death of who you are and ego really something to be fearful of? The things I like about myself I can always find again. The good things can always be reforged.

I think being able to remain bright and bold when there is darkness lurking that threatens to consume you at a moments weakness is something I’ve failed at before. Maybe it’s not the dark around me that I’m afraid of losing to but the darkness inside me I’m trying to keep from escaping that is shaping my perspective. Maybe it’s a mix of both. There is this core inside I’m trying so hard to keep lit inside of me. I can sometimes almost feel tendrils wrapping around it. I’m wondering how long I have to nurture the Phoenix before it deflagrates the entirety of the darkness inside. I’ve got a suspicion its going to cause a conflagration in my physical life as well and some relationships will be too scorched to salvage at that point.

Does love drive people mad or is it grief? You’d think people would want passionate lovers and friends but passion can turn to obsession and jealously so insanely fast I think passion is the ultimate failure of the human emotion spectrum of left unchecked. I’m so passionate about giving all the love I deny myself to others that when I find them sad or lonely or depressed it becomes my main prerogative in life to let them know they are cherished and loved and appreciated. I will stop at nothing. It’s an insatiable hunger and desire with such intensity. Seeing people light up and their faces change, their auras exuding newfound confidence and hope, their demeanor changing to one of hopefulness. Hearing genuine laughter, noting real smiles. Have you ever noticed people smell differently when actually happy? Seeing this and helping people achieve this brings me such great joy and happiness that is so momentary and fleeting it becomes such a depressive vicious cycle. Imagine doing everything in your power to help someone succeed & then they want to help you and you refuse because you don’t think you deserve it. And eventually they get tired of the constant negativity surrounding you and your inability to do for yourself what you do for others. They leave. Because they don’t want to go back to the place they were before. I don’t want to leave the place I am. They don’t leave me behind, I usher them forward and close the door. Eventually the knocking subsides and I’ll open it back up, only to find nobody there anymore. & I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

At some point in the future I will cease to be. I’ll disappear. I won’t want to be found until I can look at myself and not see the sadness and anger lurking inside.

Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.

I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.

I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.

I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.

I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.

I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.

Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.

The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.

The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!

Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.

Her.

First off I would just like to say that time does not heal all wounds. With time I will only learn more and more that when I lost you, it is irreplaceable. No one will replicate or mimic you or what we had. As time passes the feelings of loss will only grow. I can learn to deal with it, and keep it at bay, but ultimately its going to be brewing as long as I live. Which fucking sucks. You’ll get over it, move past. Find someone new and forget about me. No matter what you say, eventually I will be a faded memory and a distant one at that. Eventually you will learn to love and trust again. You will open up to them, you will be warm and full of life again and they will compliment you more than I ever could at the time. I could never give you all of me because I don’t know what I was capable of. I was too reserved and too stubborn to trust you completely with everything about me for fear of judgment or you leaving me. I was dependent on you for my self worth. If I made you happy then I was happy and felt good about myself. If I made you sad or angry or upset I hated myself and couldn’t bare to live with it so I did everything to make you happy again. At one point in time you could have convinced me to kill myself if it made you happy. I would have done it probably. I would have tried, and probably failed like I failed you as a lover and a friend. I know what I did and I understand why I was never given a second chance. I hate it. I hate it so much, I hate me so much for doing this to myself. I like to say I don’t but I do. Im not sure how to deal with it. Ive been trying so hard Melinda. So fucking hard. Ive thrown everything at myself to cope, to distract, to heal, to forgive. I feel like I’ve done everything I can do, and nothing seems to work. It enrages me. That rage spills over into everything I do in life. It gives me energy to be relentless. This rage actually fuels me. It pours into everything I do in some form or another. It actually helps me stay calm even. Its different. Its not bad at all. Its not like any other rage. This rage fuels everything I do in life whether I like it or not. It is there and its energy is unbelievable. Its what is helping me cope. I am so far gone from the person I was. I was beyond redemption. I had to forge myself anew. I am not the same person I was when we met Melinda. I am not the same person when I was out of my mind, hearing voices and seeing demons, sure that everyone was plotting against me, paranoid beyond belief. I am not that person anymore. I still deal with it, everyday. But I don’t let it consume me and I don’t follow what they say. For a time I thought it was god speaking to me. I know now its just overactive dopamine receptors in my brain that were dormant until I decided to drop Acid. At least thats what I belief. It could have happened regardless. Which sucks. Its life. Maybe I was just destined to have a fucked up life and lose everything I held close. I don’t know. I fuck up everything I touch. Its actually stupid. I can’t touch a single thing without fucking it up. 

Cheaters don’t get second chances. And thats what I did. Not physically but emotionally. It was such a little fucking thing that spiraled out of control because I ignored it and buried it and didn’t talk about it out of fear of rejection and losing you. I knew that you would lose it and dump me and tell me to go be happy with her. But i never wanted that. I wanted to be happy with you, I just had unresolved feelings because she was there when you weren’t when you broke up with me the first time. & it was just so fucked up and retarded. I saw you in her and I just wanted to be with you. Then i got you back somehow. I still don’t exactly know what happened but you came back into my life and I was so thankful. I was so ready to be the best thing for you and love you endlessly and make you happier than you ever will be. But I failed because I let myself be weak when I should have been strong. I shouldn’t have been so emotionally invested in you after only 2 months. Not even 2. It was my mistake to decide that. And because of that I sought you out everywhere I could because I just wanted you. Thats all Ive ever wanted. More so than anything in my life. More than getting better, more than not having to face depression again, more than not being angry all the time. I just wanted you in my life because you were this beacon of love and hope and calm. You were everything I didn’t have in my life and I wanted that so badly. It was so selfish but I didn’t know at the time I was being selfish. I just wanted to love you like no other and have you be mine. Being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. It was only my downfall because I thought I needed you to bring peace to my life. I could have done that all by myself had I tried. I would have moved mountains for you. I would have done anything you asked. I would have loved you endlessly and so fiercely it would have been irreplaceable. It wouldn’t have been rivaled by anything anyone could throw at us. But I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t whole myself. I was looking for relief through you and you gave it to me and I became dependent on you. I wanted nothing more than to keep you happy, keep you feeling loved and worshipped, keep you feeling like you had it all and like nobody would be able to have what you did. I wanted everyone to be jealous of you. I wanted everyone to wish they were you. & for a time I think I succeeded. And I would have continued to succeed had I been honest and open about my struggles and what demons I was facing instead of dismissing it at every turn when you asked me what was wrong. I wish I would have been open and had more faith in you that you wouldn’t turn me away and break up with me. I was so scared of losing you I lost myself along the way and became someone who only did things to please other people. For the first time in my life Melinda I stopped caring about myself and what was going to happen to me and I only cared about you and how you felt and what you were going to do and making sure you could achieve all your dreams. I let myself be consumed with this want of making you happy and keeping you feeling like a goddess and like you had it perfect. I knew deep down that eventually this would stop and I would have to deal with everything, but i buried that along with any other feelings of doubt. I sacrificed everything to keep you happy. I wish I wouldn’t have. I wish I would have asked you for help and let me lean on you when I needed to so badly. But I was way too fucking proud and stubborn for that. I kept it under wraps out of fear of rejection because all my life I have been rejected and told my problems were not important or admissible. I was so scared of you telling me how I felt wasn’t important or worthwhile that I honestly believed you would leave me and find someone new immediately because I was replaceable. I was just doing everything right to keep you happy and as soon as I stopped I was done for you. That was it I was no longer valued if I couldn’t do that and I would be let go and someone would replace me. I still hate that feeling. Of knowing someone else has been with you or will be with you. I hate it so fucking much Melinda.

I still would like nothing more than another chance even though I know now I will never get it. I just want to prove to myself and to you and to everyone that I am not what I did. I am so much more than that. I do not know fully what I am capable of, but I do know that now I am more competent and capable then before. I can give everything now where before I was scared. The love I have to give is more potent and vast and fierce that the past pales in comparison to it. What I did was so wrong and I accept that. & I accept that I will never get another chance and I accept that you will move on and I accept that what I lost was irreplaceable. I just think people should know I am not some loser. Some cheater. Some lowlife who broke the most beautiful persons heart. Its not trying to save face it is trying to be confident in who I am as a person and voicing it. I have done so much soul searching and reflection I know now where I went wrong at every turn I did & how I would correct it. & I just think you should know, because you still say you love me, that I am better now than ever before. Even though I am broken and have an immense amount of sadness, more than ever before, I am stronger and a better person and lover than before. Before I was a bunch of tiny pieces that could only give what little they could offer individually. Now I am whole and mending the last little tiny fragments that lay around me. I can give and grow with someone so much more than before. I am ready to give all of me this time around. I just am waiting for the right person to present itself and make their presence known. I am ready to be honest and open and love like no one else can. I have so much love to give, so much more than before. & even then the love I gave was vast, it was just not whole. This time around it will be different. I just want to thank you for teaching me what it means to love and to give and to be all that someone wants. I want to thank you for showing me what love is. I want to thank you allowing me to break and come back whole. If it was not for you I would not be who I am right now. I would not be so strong, so open and honest, so loving. I am just sorry I could never give that to you when we were together. It is a deep regret I will live with the rest of my life, and nothing will ever change that. I broke a beautiful, in every way, shape, and form, girls heart because I was not ready to love like I should have been. I am so deeply sorry Melinda. I hope that you can truly forgive me and I can only hope you remember me for who I am now and not who I was then. They are not the same people. No where even close. I am sorry Melinda.