War

I stay to myself mostly because I am scared i am going to hurt someone. I see it constantly in my head. I just snap. Whether it be for no reason at all, or because someone was threatening me, or someone said something i didn’t like. A life or death situation, a house party, in the middle of a classroom. I scare myself because I know its possible. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, so I imagine if I was put into those situations I would act how I imagine. I envision it constantly. Murder, assault, heinous acts of violence committed for seemingly no reason than I wanted to do it sometimes. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt someone. Even if it was for good reason, life self defense, I take it to the next level. I am brutal in another sense. On a different level of reality. People think it stops eventually but it doesnt. I go past turning a head into mush and literally crush the concrete underneath it. I don’t stop, I cant stop. I have this endless pool of rage i tap into and it fuels everything I do. I control it until I snap. I usually restrain it after I’ve had my time and come back to reality. But i don’t know if I’d stop when faced with a stranger. I don’t know if I’d stop when faced when caught on an off day. I wouldn’t stop actually. I know I wouldn’t because i can feel the energy of it. It is unfathomable. Its not possible to know the vastness of it. Its depth. Its reservoirs are constantly being filled past the brim and spilling into every other aspect of my life. It swells like a maelstrom during a thunderous rain. Two currents of seething rage fighting one another to be the dominant force. A fight between mindless, explosive rage and a cold, silent, calculated one. It never stops. Its always there, present in every movement i make, every thought I have, every ounce of my soul. Its there, making its presence known but never taking over. It taunts me, knowing it can overload my senses and turn me primal at any given moment. It knows & it relishes this. It feeds off my fear of what I am capable of. Two different aspects of power forged into one entity, capable of destroying everything in my life. A force so malevolent and vast it blocks out any hope for reason. There is only rage. Only hate. I can feel it slowly encroaching on my sanity. It blots out the sun and casts shadows on the stronghold I have built for myself. I have worked tirelessly to create something beautiful and full of love and hope. But i fear that I have not worked hard enough to counter balance the rage i have inside. This fear only amplifies its potency. Sometimes I fear i will never be able to create enough love to dilute the rage and make it manageable. Splitting it into two separate entities does not strike me as a solid plan. One day I am trying to destroy the world and all who reside in it, the next I am trying to rebuild it. It doesn’t make any sense. The only way this turns out good is if I somehow manage to create and feel enough love I can hold onto and keep it from shattering under the staggering weight and strength of what haunts me. I am not religious in the sense that I follow no religion, but I do believe in higher powers. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that God is all good. If man is made in the image of God, although imperfect, how can these imperfections be so deep and evil. They stem from my soul. I did not willingly create these demons, they just appeared somehow. I did nothing to summon them, nothing to influence them, nothing to cause them to maliciously attack me very being and attempt to corrupt me. How can I be made in the image of god when some aspects of who I am naturally resemble that of Lucifer. Was it just mere chance or was I just doomed from the beginning of time. Maybe I am meant to be an example of contrast between good and evil. The perfect being to showcase the natures of both love and hate. Maybe it is my destiny to be the perfect example of the realities of good and evil. The embodiment of God And Lucifer. Two forces fighting for control of helpless human beings who have no knowledge of what truly goes happens on a higher plane of existence. Perhaps I am special and because of that I am doomed. Made to be a example of for meddling in the affairs of that which I can not hope to understand in full. In my mind i see scraps of information, filtering through archaic nothingness only to stumble on something not meant for my eyes. It is my belief that we are all capable of this. We just don’t understand the nature of ourselves. Once we begin to understand we are destined to be overcome with stark contrasts in emotion and a sense of impeding death that is always around the color. Once we begin to understand we are punished. The living are not meant to understand the shortcomings of human nature, nor are they meant to understand the extent of which we are capable of. We are supposed to be sheep, being shepherd by the religions we follow, the demons we fear, the gods we wonder at in awe. Once we stop being sheep they try to bend us to their will through force. They do everything in their power to break us. Once we break we either kill or kill ourselves. We lose all sense of meaning in this world and turn primal. Our minds liquified into incoherent thoughts, fear, paranoia, rage. We don’t come back from that. It is why I fear myself so much. I am constantly on the brink of annihilation. Of soul crushing defeat. Of committing heinous crimes against my fellow brethren and sisters. Of losing myself in the midst of all that is going on inside my mind. The constant turmoil. Of rage turned hate and solace turned a deep fondness for love constantly contending with one another, vying for the ultimate triumph. I am so very confused and feel myself slipping. I am not sure how much longer my soul can take. It is in constant anguish and I feel this frustration creeping into every aspect of my life. Even of love. I feel like I am losing myself.

Her.

First off I would just like to say that time does not heal all wounds. With time I will only learn more and more that when I lost you, it is irreplaceable. No one will replicate or mimic you or what we had. As time passes the feelings of loss will only grow. I can learn to deal with it, and keep it at bay, but ultimately its going to be brewing as long as I live. Which fucking sucks. You’ll get over it, move past. Find someone new and forget about me. No matter what you say, eventually I will be a faded memory and a distant one at that. Eventually you will learn to love and trust again. You will open up to them, you will be warm and full of life again and they will compliment you more than I ever could at the time. I could never give you all of me because I don’t know what I was capable of. I was too reserved and too stubborn to trust you completely with everything about me for fear of judgment or you leaving me. I was dependent on you for my self worth. If I made you happy then I was happy and felt good about myself. If I made you sad or angry or upset I hated myself and couldn’t bare to live with it so I did everything to make you happy again. At one point in time you could have convinced me to kill myself if it made you happy. I would have done it probably. I would have tried, and probably failed like I failed you as a lover and a friend. I know what I did and I understand why I was never given a second chance. I hate it. I hate it so much, I hate me so much for doing this to myself. I like to say I don’t but I do. Im not sure how to deal with it. Ive been trying so hard Melinda. So fucking hard. Ive thrown everything at myself to cope, to distract, to heal, to forgive. I feel like I’ve done everything I can do, and nothing seems to work. It enrages me. That rage spills over into everything I do in life. It gives me energy to be relentless. This rage actually fuels me. It pours into everything I do in some form or another. It actually helps me stay calm even. Its different. Its not bad at all. Its not like any other rage. This rage fuels everything I do in life whether I like it or not. It is there and its energy is unbelievable. Its what is helping me cope. I am so far gone from the person I was. I was beyond redemption. I had to forge myself anew. I am not the same person I was when we met Melinda. I am not the same person when I was out of my mind, hearing voices and seeing demons, sure that everyone was plotting against me, paranoid beyond belief. I am not that person anymore. I still deal with it, everyday. But I don’t let it consume me and I don’t follow what they say. For a time I thought it was god speaking to me. I know now its just overactive dopamine receptors in my brain that were dormant until I decided to drop Acid. At least thats what I belief. It could have happened regardless. Which sucks. Its life. Maybe I was just destined to have a fucked up life and lose everything I held close. I don’t know. I fuck up everything I touch. Its actually stupid. I can’t touch a single thing without fucking it up. 

Cheaters don’t get second chances. And thats what I did. Not physically but emotionally. It was such a little fucking thing that spiraled out of control because I ignored it and buried it and didn’t talk about it out of fear of rejection and losing you. I knew that you would lose it and dump me and tell me to go be happy with her. But i never wanted that. I wanted to be happy with you, I just had unresolved feelings because she was there when you weren’t when you broke up with me the first time. & it was just so fucked up and retarded. I saw you in her and I just wanted to be with you. Then i got you back somehow. I still don’t exactly know what happened but you came back into my life and I was so thankful. I was so ready to be the best thing for you and love you endlessly and make you happier than you ever will be. But I failed because I let myself be weak when I should have been strong. I shouldn’t have been so emotionally invested in you after only 2 months. Not even 2. It was my mistake to decide that. And because of that I sought you out everywhere I could because I just wanted you. Thats all Ive ever wanted. More so than anything in my life. More than getting better, more than not having to face depression again, more than not being angry all the time. I just wanted you in my life because you were this beacon of love and hope and calm. You were everything I didn’t have in my life and I wanted that so badly. It was so selfish but I didn’t know at the time I was being selfish. I just wanted to love you like no other and have you be mine. Being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. It was only my downfall because I thought I needed you to bring peace to my life. I could have done that all by myself had I tried. I would have moved mountains for you. I would have done anything you asked. I would have loved you endlessly and so fiercely it would have been irreplaceable. It wouldn’t have been rivaled by anything anyone could throw at us. But I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t whole myself. I was looking for relief through you and you gave it to me and I became dependent on you. I wanted nothing more than to keep you happy, keep you feeling loved and worshipped, keep you feeling like you had it all and like nobody would be able to have what you did. I wanted everyone to be jealous of you. I wanted everyone to wish they were you. & for a time I think I succeeded. And I would have continued to succeed had I been honest and open about my struggles and what demons I was facing instead of dismissing it at every turn when you asked me what was wrong. I wish I would have been open and had more faith in you that you wouldn’t turn me away and break up with me. I was so scared of losing you I lost myself along the way and became someone who only did things to please other people. For the first time in my life Melinda I stopped caring about myself and what was going to happen to me and I only cared about you and how you felt and what you were going to do and making sure you could achieve all your dreams. I let myself be consumed with this want of making you happy and keeping you feeling like a goddess and like you had it perfect. I knew deep down that eventually this would stop and I would have to deal with everything, but i buried that along with any other feelings of doubt. I sacrificed everything to keep you happy. I wish I wouldn’t have. I wish I would have asked you for help and let me lean on you when I needed to so badly. But I was way too fucking proud and stubborn for that. I kept it under wraps out of fear of rejection because all my life I have been rejected and told my problems were not important or admissible. I was so scared of you telling me how I felt wasn’t important or worthwhile that I honestly believed you would leave me and find someone new immediately because I was replaceable. I was just doing everything right to keep you happy and as soon as I stopped I was done for you. That was it I was no longer valued if I couldn’t do that and I would be let go and someone would replace me. I still hate that feeling. Of knowing someone else has been with you or will be with you. I hate it so fucking much Melinda.

I still would like nothing more than another chance even though I know now I will never get it. I just want to prove to myself and to you and to everyone that I am not what I did. I am so much more than that. I do not know fully what I am capable of, but I do know that now I am more competent and capable then before. I can give everything now where before I was scared. The love I have to give is more potent and vast and fierce that the past pales in comparison to it. What I did was so wrong and I accept that. & I accept that I will never get another chance and I accept that you will move on and I accept that what I lost was irreplaceable. I just think people should know I am not some loser. Some cheater. Some lowlife who broke the most beautiful persons heart. Its not trying to save face it is trying to be confident in who I am as a person and voicing it. I have done so much soul searching and reflection I know now where I went wrong at every turn I did & how I would correct it. & I just think you should know, because you still say you love me, that I am better now than ever before. Even though I am broken and have an immense amount of sadness, more than ever before, I am stronger and a better person and lover than before. Before I was a bunch of tiny pieces that could only give what little they could offer individually. Now I am whole and mending the last little tiny fragments that lay around me. I can give and grow with someone so much more than before. I am ready to give all of me this time around. I just am waiting for the right person to present itself and make their presence known. I am ready to be honest and open and love like no one else can. I have so much love to give, so much more than before. & even then the love I gave was vast, it was just not whole. This time around it will be different. I just want to thank you for teaching me what it means to love and to give and to be all that someone wants. I want to thank you for showing me what love is. I want to thank you allowing me to break and come back whole. If it was not for you I would not be who I am right now. I would not be so strong, so open and honest, so loving. I am just sorry I could never give that to you when we were together. It is a deep regret I will live with the rest of my life, and nothing will ever change that. I broke a beautiful, in every way, shape, and form, girls heart because I was not ready to love like I should have been. I am so deeply sorry Melinda. I hope that you can truly forgive me and I can only hope you remember me for who I am now and not who I was then. They are not the same people. No where even close. I am sorry Melinda.

I have visions of whats to come. Visions of nothing but loss and anguish. Visions of death and despair. Visions of losing everything only to lose more after.

I see myself holding a gun to my temple while telling my SO I cant do this anymore. I see myself having breakdowns in front of my children and seeing terror on their faces as they wonder in confusion and horror whats wrong with their father. I see myself being divorced. I see myself losing my job and my home. I see myself losing my family. I see myself becoming alienated from the world. I see me losing the last bit of myself I have left. I see me attempting suicide only to fail and try over and over and over again. But I can’t seem to die for some reason. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to just do it right. I fail at that just like everything else in life. I think its punishment for hurting the feelings of others. For being sick. If I wasnt sick then nothing bad would have ever happened. If I wasnt sick I wouldnt have lost so much already. If I wasnt sick I wouldnt have the girl I loved so much leave me. If I wasnt sick I wouldnt be scared of myself and lock myself away from the world out of fear I might snap. I wish I wasnt sick. I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted to be distant. I never wanted to have a raging storm of emotion and an endless crevice of depression lurking under me. I never wanted to not be able to communicate and I never wanted to have the only way I deal with stuff to be to ignore it and bury it. I never wanted any of this.

But I got it. For some God forsaken reason I was chosen for this. I don’t know why. I never will. Somewhere deep inside my head where the voices stem from, there lies a reason. A purpose. A voice that will silence them all. A voice that will silence even my own. A voice that will take over who I am and remake me. Every time I reach for it, the other voices become overwhelming and violent. I start to see people for the demons they are. I see anguish in the eyes of everyone and it just gets so overwhelming and so vast before my meek soul, I crumble and parts of me that have died before die again. I suffer so much for no reason other than to suffer. It makes no sense and I can’t seem to change that. Nothing makes sense. Nothing really ever has. There was a period of about 3 years where 1 thing made sense, but thats all gone now.

I’m all gone now. I’ll be back, just to relive hell once again, and I’ll continue to do so for no other reason than I am meant to. I hate it. But its all I know and I dont know how to learn anything else. Every technique I’ve learned that I’ve tried to apply to my life has failed miserably. No therapy has worked, no meditation has worked, meds only seem to stem the voices from being constant, but they are still there. Mocking and taunting are common occurrences that are random but far in between episodes. I feel so lost in this heavy mist of demons and despair. I feel like I have died and gone to hell, and maybe I am dead. Maybe the reason I’m not getting better is because I am dead and am meant to suffer for eternity now. Maybe that’s why nothing makes sense. The voices i hear are demons, my own voice is a tortured soul, and the once that is locked away is redemption and a way out. That kind of makes sense I guess. In a convoluted and depraved desperation kind of way. But my thoughts are often depraved and my thought process convoluted. And I am desperate. So maybe this is what’s real and I’ve simply been dissociating in order to cope with the reality of my situation. Souls are bound to be complex. It is the essence of what makes us different from one another. Why couldn’t a soul, which is what makes up our conscious and personality, create itself an alternate reality where it runs away to or uses to cope with the distress it suffers from. So maybe I am dead and suffering for eternity and I am simply reliving my life because the suffering I face here is nothing compared to what I am going through currently. Spiritual warfare is an interesting concept I don’t necessarily believe it, but i suppose it could be true. It is no more far fetched than my idea that God is a tyrant who abuses its power and manipulates us all to its own will for its own amusement. I don’t necessarily believe that, because I don’t want to go to hell if there is one, but I think its good to question everything and have alternatives in case everything comes to a spearpoint and turns out to be falsehoods.

Honestly I just want to die. If I am already dead then I want to die again. and again and again and again so I don’t have to feel how I feel anymore. I committed no act so severe to deserve punishment like this. It isnt fair.

Formal Reality

I keep hallucinating randomly. I see myself dying over and over and over and over again. I can’t tell whats real and whats not. I can’t tell if I’m having premonitions sent by God that this is what is to come or simply God telling me I need to fucking kill myself and I need to do it soon because fuck me. Im a piece of shit. I deserve to fucking die. God has a high degree of Formal Reality. I believe God exists and I also believe God is a fucking asshole who pulls peoples strings for shits and giggles because who the fuck is going to stop God. God cannot be all good because he was the birth of evil. Fuck you Christians. How is something all good and all powerful also the creator of ultimate betrayal and evil. Of sin. Again, fuck you Christians.

God is an idea that we give power to. Even if we don’t believe we still grasp the concept that others believe in God. That gives God free reign over all of us, despite the fact that not all of us believe in God. Everyone believes in something. That something is God, just behind different faces. Allah, Buddha, The Devas and Asuras, Pagan Gods, God itself, The Big Bang, Evolution. It’s all just a face of God. Who happens to be a total fucking asshole and a clown. But It controls everything and it does so at its own whim.

My reality is distorted I know that much. Right now I have a moment of clarity. I can think and I know what I’m thinking and I know that it is real. What I don’t know is what was real in the past or what is real in the future. I don’t know If my hallucinations are real. They feel real. They happen. How am I to decide if its a message from God or not. Right now I feel like killing myself, so maybe they are actually premonitions and this is what is going to happen. Maybe I am God and Im just fucking with myself and Ill go kill myself and have a laugh and say wow that was fun and reincarnate and do the same thing over again when i get fucking bored because watching others misery is fun and watching others die is also fun. At least that’s what I think God thinks. Maybe it’s Satan. I’ve no fucking clue. Maybe its a pure Asura. Maybe Buddha fucking offed himself and thats how he reached nirvana. It would explain why the suicide rate of the Japanese is so fucking high.

Im just so fucking lost and confused and feel so hopeless but I also feel like if I kill myself maybe things will go back to normal and Ill wake from this dream and things will be okay. Because honestly it feels like I’ve been living a night terror for months now. Fuck everything.

What I feel has a high degree of Formal Reality and since my emotions are depthless or unfathomable or so vast in scope they blot out all you see, I would also say they have a high degree of objective reality. Descartes would be proud. Fuck you.

Visions

Over the last couple years I have had what some claim to be dejà vu. A feeling of having been in a place or experiencing something before it has happened. My mind tells me that it is a fallacy and simply your brain making sense of a situation and having neurons fire and synapses connect. However, part of me believes that I actually had dejà vu. I did see something before it happened in my mind. Part of me knows things I shouldn’t. Or do I really? I don’t know. Nothing makes sense right now. Has it really ever though? Im afraid I don’t remember anymore. I can’t differentiate between whats real and whats not. I cycle in and out of psychosis seemingly conscious of it but only realizing when I’m back in my body.

My visions lately have been violent and brutal in nature. I’ve had night terrors of death. Death of myself, of people I love, of people I hate. Of everyone. I’ve seen the apocalypse from start to finish time and time again, I no longer question when it will come to pass. I’ve seen in my minds eye what is to come. Nothing but death and damnation, torment and pain on a scale that few can even begin to imagine must less comprehend. It terrifies me because I feel like I am the only one being given these visions. I can’t tell if its demons or if its God, or both simultaneously.

Sometimes I feel like I am chosen to be someone of importance. I know its all nonsense right now, but sooner rather than later, I go back to believing it again.

My dreams, sometimes while I am awake and staring at the void in front of me, have been increasingly  violent. I kill people. I enjoy it.

I’ve always wondered what it is like to take another life, and if I am being honest, I don’t fear these thoughts. Some people deserve to die. Why should I not be the one to do so? I am chosen by God or by demon to be someone of great importance. I know I am, but I know I am not. I am at war with myself and I can’t tell if its with my psyche or my soul. Everything feels out of place yet everything feels like it is falling into place. Im so confused.

My last dream was about murdering someone who has wronged me and others I use to care for. He treats women like shit and deserves to die for his transgressions. In my dreams I kill him. Sometimes with guns, other times i literally tear his head off. Its always the same time of year though. September. With that time approaching I can only wonder if what I see is going to come to pass, and if so, will I get away with it? I fear these thoughts but embrace them wholeheartedly. Something is wrong with me, yet I am okay with it. There is a switch in my head that is broken. I just don’t know what it goes to.

A note

For those of us struggling with mental illness, especially that of bi polar disorder, schizoaffective & schizophrenia as well as personality disorders, the hardship of keeping relationships stable in a constant sea of volatility is significant. Every day seems like things are either going to be fantastic or things are going to be a total shitshow. At least, that is my current situation. There are few days where I feel things are relatively normal, consisting of small a small ebb and flow like state of rapture. Instead, a state of desolateness and turmoil, like swells and droughts are what my normal consist of. Either too much or too little, never striking a true balance. Bliss inducing mania or crippling depression. My mood is ever fluctuating.

In the days as of late, I have recently found God, or at least I am on the path to rediscovering a relationship with it. Everyday I find myself being the sole person of blame for how volatile my relationships are, for how many bridges have been burned, for being so black and white in a grey world. I feel the piercing pain of the voices in my head screaming at me with a will of their own. Everyday is a new battle, and lately it seems the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

However, as I am trying to strengthen my bond with God, I believe in an attempt to stop me from committing and to show it listens, even when I was not faithful, it has reached out to me and sent me visions of things becoming better given time.

Everyday I get up is a new battle that I fear to lose, but i believe now i carry a lantern with me through the dark until I find my way again. Something to work with, and those are visions, or perhaps they are simply delusions. I do not care, they seem achievable, and give me motivation to continue with my goals of proving my love to those in my life. They give me the desire to look into others souls and let them know their pain isn’t for nothing.

I do hope brighter days are on the horizon, for I can not see them currently. I am still waiting to lock eyes with those I feel I have lost in my life, and let my soul do the talking in a way my mind cannot work. The amount of emotion, truth, hurt, and love that will pour from my eyes can not be fathomed.