You know it really blows when you think maybe you’re finally moving past, & then a tsunami hits you and knocks you lower than you were originally.

I actually just fucking miss you like crazy it’s driving me insane I’m so pathetic.

I woke up dreaming about you. I haven’t been able to recall a dream in so long… the entire premise of this trip was to get my mind off you and yet all I’ve done every day is think about you.

It’s sad really, all I want is a hug from you where we share locked eyes and you run your fingers down my hands as i softly stroke your face. It’s the only physical intimacy I’m craving lately. I want to be told I’m loved.

I went to a waterfall yesterday. I took a path down where people have died by falling off the cliff side 200 feet below. I did it not because I have a death wish but because I was willing to do whatever it took in order to see the beauty from the ground and because I wanted the memories of doing something others had failed and even died trying to do.

I keep that same energy in relationships and with you until lately. Now I just miss you constantly and all I want is a text asking if I’m okay or recognition that you maybe miss me a little too. I won’t ever get that.

I think I’ll miss you more before I start to miss you less. I won’t let myself start to hate you in order to get over you, I’ll keep loving you inside my mind because you deserve that. I won’t let feelings of desire taint and ruin the real love I feel and felt.

I won’t let that love ruin any future prospects either. It’ll turn to an ember, and there’s no reason to try and douse it or put it out. You’re the only person I actually thought about seriously having children with. I’ve had juvenile thoughts previously with the last ex, but I was also clinically insane and couldn’t keep the thought of killing myself at bay for more than a few minutes at a time, so I think I’ll let my thoughts on that relationship continue to wither away because the only reason it worked was because of sex and because she was the only person to show me love during one of the worst periods of my life until you came along and just wanted to make sure I was okay and wanted to be a friend.

Hopefully things get easier soon. I can’t imagine waking up dreaming about you every morning for the next 6 months. I’d probably go back to drugs to numb my brain.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re healing and I hope you’re moving along better than I am Lissa. I’m really sorry we didn’t work out because of a simple failure of communication during a time when we needed to be open and honest the most.

When the switch flips and you feel the energy radiating outwards from within & right under your heart.

Perfect timing because I leave to the west coast tomorrow!

I stop in Chicago on my way back. I’ll deal with that hurdle when I get to it.

I just wish my thoughts matched me energy outside of the gym and shower haha

Small thoughts Big thoughts

While roofing yesterday I busy getting lost in thought. Sometimes it can be mindless, especially the clean up. We tore off an entire section of a roof yesterday, so think a massive pile of them. Whilst picking them up and bringing them down the hill to the dump truck I began to notice, or rather think about how this connected my life. You see, all the large shingles were heavy, but once you got done with them, that was it. No more dealing with them. The small pieces though, the nails and small scrap/debris, they were constantly causing trouble. They were falling back out of the piles i made and picked up, they were slipping through the cracks in my fingers and making life difficult. Somewhere during this I connected it to my life.

Its massive exertion moving the shingles, or dealing with the big problems in life, but once you’re done with them, thats it. You’ve conquered that enemy. The small scrap bits however, those are the little battles in life that add up over time. The ones that constantly beat you up while you don’t pay attention. The ones that you can never really deal with, just get enough done to not worry about it too much.

It’s a lot like a hard breakup. You can get over it initially. Thats the really hard part, but once thats done, you’re better. Its the small stuff, the realization you do everything alone now again. You sleep alone, you eat alone, you go do daily tasks alone. Its these things that weigh heavily on my mind. It’s these things that make life so difficult even though they are small in scope.

The big things in life aren’t really that bad. Its the little things that get us down and make us miss what once was. The big picture isn’t so bad until you look at the details and realize some of the puzzle pieces are missing.