I find myself falling into old habits way too quickly when I tell myself I’m done doing that. I need to be better.
Talking with my therapist today made me realize that this girl who I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me was only that for this chapter in my life. There will be a girl who I meet who will be the plots zenith of my story. What I lost may be irreplaceable, but that is not a bad thing. What we had was inherently flawed, and that was my fault. But something new will happen and come into my life and it will be beautiful beyond measure and have me feeling elated and so content with life I will remember now and how I felt and it will be comical. I am glad she taught me this lesson, and I still find joy in the memories of our relationship, but I realize now that is was not my books zenith. It was the high point of this particular chapter and the end of that relationship was the low point. I am on to a new chapter of self discovery and reinvention. A path of creating new bridges and forming new bonds. I can only thank you for being what I needed in my life at this time of weakness and keeping me afloat. You may not be the best thing that ever happened to me but you are one of the most important. & for that I will always remember you and keep a special place in my heart for you. It may not be the one I thought it would be, but it is there none the less. I will always have love for the girl who broke my heart and whos heart I broke, but it is a love that is thankful and one that is memorable. It will not be slow burning and an ember like I thought it would be for so long. That is reserved for someone else in my life, and for the first time in my life, I am excited for the future.
I stay to myself mostly because I am scared i am going to hurt someone. I see it constantly in my head. I just snap. Whether it be for no reason at all, or because someone was threatening me, or someone said something i didn’t like. A life or death situation, a house party, in the middle of a classroom. I scare myself because I know its possible. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, so I imagine if I was put into those situations I would act how I imagine. I envision it constantly. Murder, assault, heinous acts of violence committed for seemingly no reason than I wanted to do it sometimes. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt someone. Even if it was for good reason, life self defense, I take it to the next level. I am brutal in another sense. On a different level of reality. People think it stops eventually but it doesnt. I go past turning a head into mush and literally crush the concrete underneath it. I don’t stop, I cant stop. I have this endless pool of rage i tap into and it fuels everything I do. I control it until I snap. I usually restrain it after I’ve had my time and come back to reality. But i don’t know if I’d stop when faced with a stranger. I don’t know if I’d stop when faced when caught on an off day. I wouldn’t stop actually. I know I wouldn’t because i can feel the energy of it. It is unfathomable. Its not possible to know the vastness of it. Its depth. Its reservoirs are constantly being filled past the brim and spilling into every other aspect of my life. It swells like a maelstrom during a thunderous rain. Two currents of seething rage fighting one another to be the dominant force. A fight between mindless, explosive rage and a cold, silent, calculated one. It never stops. Its always there, present in every movement i make, every thought I have, every ounce of my soul. Its there, making its presence known but never taking over. It taunts me, knowing it can overload my senses and turn me primal at any given moment. It knows & it relishes this. It feeds off my fear of what I am capable of. Two different aspects of power forged into one entity, capable of destroying everything in my life. A force so malevolent and vast it blocks out any hope for reason. There is only rage. Only hate. I can feel it slowly encroaching on my sanity. It blots out the sun and casts shadows on the stronghold I have built for myself. I have worked tirelessly to create something beautiful and full of love and hope. But i fear that I have not worked hard enough to counter balance the rage i have inside. This fear only amplifies its potency. Sometimes I fear i will never be able to create enough love to dilute the rage and make it manageable. Splitting it into two separate entities does not strike me as a solid plan. One day I am trying to destroy the world and all who reside in it, the next I am trying to rebuild it. It doesn’t make any sense. The only way this turns out good is if I somehow manage to create and feel enough love I can hold onto and keep it from shattering under the staggering weight and strength of what haunts me. I am not religious in the sense that I follow no religion, but I do believe in higher powers. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that God is all good. If man is made in the image of God, although imperfect, how can these imperfections be so deep and evil. They stem from my soul. I did not willingly create these demons, they just appeared somehow. I did nothing to summon them, nothing to influence them, nothing to cause them to maliciously attack me very being and attempt to corrupt me. How can I be made in the image of god when some aspects of who I am naturally resemble that of Lucifer. Was it just mere chance or was I just doomed from the beginning of time. Maybe I am meant to be an example of contrast between good and evil. The perfect being to showcase the natures of both love and hate. Maybe it is my destiny to be the perfect example of the realities of good and evil. The embodiment of God And Lucifer. Two forces fighting for control of helpless human beings who have no knowledge of what truly goes happens on a higher plane of existence. Perhaps I am special and because of that I am doomed. Made to be a example of for meddling in the affairs of that which I can not hope to understand in full. In my mind i see scraps of information, filtering through archaic nothingness only to stumble on something not meant for my eyes. It is my belief that we are all capable of this. We just don’t understand the nature of ourselves. Once we begin to understand we are destined to be overcome with stark contrasts in emotion and a sense of impeding death that is always around the color. Once we begin to understand we are punished. The living are not meant to understand the shortcomings of human nature, nor are they meant to understand the extent of which we are capable of. We are supposed to be sheep, being shepherd by the religions we follow, the demons we fear, the gods we wonder at in awe. Once we stop being sheep they try to bend us to their will through force. They do everything in their power to break us. Once we break we either kill or kill ourselves. We lose all sense of meaning in this world and turn primal. Our minds liquified into incoherent thoughts, fear, paranoia, rage. We don’t come back from that. It is why I fear myself so much. I am constantly on the brink of annihilation. Of soul crushing defeat. Of committing heinous crimes against my fellow brethren and sisters. Of losing myself in the midst of all that is going on inside my mind. The constant turmoil. Of rage turned hate and solace turned a deep fondness for love constantly contending with one another, vying for the ultimate triumph. I am so very confused and feel myself slipping. I am not sure how much longer my soul can take. It is in constant anguish and I feel this frustration creeping into every aspect of my life. Even of love. I feel like I am losing myself.
I have so much anxiety over tonight.
Some days are worse than others, but even on good days it still fucking sucks.
I cant take this anymore. The waiting. The obsession. The never ending train of thoughts that torture me. I dont understand why I have this cocktail of mental problems that cause me endless stress and strain with no real solution. I dont understand why I obsess over everything. Over her. Why did she have to come into my life only to leave. It’s not fair.
What if she tells me she still loves me
I dont think I want to get close to anyone again. I’m too afraid of being incompetent. Disposable. Invaluable. Replaceable. Of having to depend on others for my self worth.
Until I learn to have self esteem and self worth that is not dependent on the opinions and whims of others, I dont want to be close to anyone. I need to learn how to be independent and the only way I can do this is by being alone.
First off I would just like to say that time does not heal all wounds. With time I will only learn more and more that when I lost you, it is irreplaceable. No one will replicate or mimic you or what we had. As time passes the feelings of loss will only grow. I can learn to deal with it, and keep it at bay, but ultimately its going to be brewing as long as I live. Which fucking sucks. You’ll get over it, move past. Find someone new and forget about me. No matter what you say, eventually I will be a faded memory and a distant one at that. Eventually you will learn to love and trust again. You will open up to them, you will be warm and full of life again and they will compliment you more than I ever could at the time. I could never give you all of me because I don’t know what I was capable of. I was too reserved and too stubborn to trust you completely with everything about me for fear of judgment or you leaving me. I was dependent on you for my self worth. If I made you happy then I was happy and felt good about myself. If I made you sad or angry or upset I hated myself and couldn’t bare to live with it so I did everything to make you happy again. At one point in time you could have convinced me to kill myself if it made you happy. I would have done it probably. I would have tried, and probably failed like I failed you as a lover and a friend. I know what I did and I understand why I was never given a second chance. I hate it. I hate it so much, I hate me so much for doing this to myself. I like to say I don’t but I do. Im not sure how to deal with it. Ive been trying so hard Melinda. So fucking hard. Ive thrown everything at myself to cope, to distract, to heal, to forgive. I feel like I’ve done everything I can do, and nothing seems to work. It enrages me. That rage spills over into everything I do in life. It gives me energy to be relentless. This rage actually fuels me. It pours into everything I do in some form or another. It actually helps me stay calm even. Its different. Its not bad at all. Its not like any other rage. This rage fuels everything I do in life whether I like it or not. It is there and its energy is unbelievable. Its what is helping me cope. I am so far gone from the person I was. I was beyond redemption. I had to forge myself anew. I am not the same person I was when we met Melinda. I am not the same person when I was out of my mind, hearing voices and seeing demons, sure that everyone was plotting against me, paranoid beyond belief. I am not that person anymore. I still deal with it, everyday. But I don’t let it consume me and I don’t follow what they say. For a time I thought it was god speaking to me. I know now its just overactive dopamine receptors in my brain that were dormant until I decided to drop Acid. At least thats what I belief. It could have happened regardless. Which sucks. Its life. Maybe I was just destined to have a fucked up life and lose everything I held close. I don’t know. I fuck up everything I touch. Its actually stupid. I can’t touch a single thing without fucking it up.
Cheaters don’t get second chances. And thats what I did. Not physically but emotionally. It was such a little fucking thing that spiraled out of control because I ignored it and buried it and didn’t talk about it out of fear of rejection and losing you. I knew that you would lose it and dump me and tell me to go be happy with her. But i never wanted that. I wanted to be happy with you, I just had unresolved feelings because she was there when you weren’t when you broke up with me the first time. & it was just so fucked up and retarded. I saw you in her and I just wanted to be with you. Then i got you back somehow. I still don’t exactly know what happened but you came back into my life and I was so thankful. I was so ready to be the best thing for you and love you endlessly and make you happier than you ever will be. But I failed because I let myself be weak when I should have been strong. I shouldn’t have been so emotionally invested in you after only 2 months. Not even 2. It was my mistake to decide that. And because of that I sought you out everywhere I could because I just wanted you. Thats all Ive ever wanted. More so than anything in my life. More than getting better, more than not having to face depression again, more than not being angry all the time. I just wanted you in my life because you were this beacon of love and hope and calm. You were everything I didn’t have in my life and I wanted that so badly. It was so selfish but I didn’t know at the time I was being selfish. I just wanted to love you like no other and have you be mine. Being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. It was only my downfall because I thought I needed you to bring peace to my life. I could have done that all by myself had I tried. I would have moved mountains for you. I would have done anything you asked. I would have loved you endlessly and so fiercely it would have been irreplaceable. It wouldn’t have been rivaled by anything anyone could throw at us. But I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t whole myself. I was looking for relief through you and you gave it to me and I became dependent on you. I wanted nothing more than to keep you happy, keep you feeling loved and worshipped, keep you feeling like you had it all and like nobody would be able to have what you did. I wanted everyone to be jealous of you. I wanted everyone to wish they were you. & for a time I think I succeeded. And I would have continued to succeed had I been honest and open about my struggles and what demons I was facing instead of dismissing it at every turn when you asked me what was wrong. I wish I would have been open and had more faith in you that you wouldn’t turn me away and break up with me. I was so scared of losing you I lost myself along the way and became someone who only did things to please other people. For the first time in my life Melinda I stopped caring about myself and what was going to happen to me and I only cared about you and how you felt and what you were going to do and making sure you could achieve all your dreams. I let myself be consumed with this want of making you happy and keeping you feeling like a goddess and like you had it perfect. I knew deep down that eventually this would stop and I would have to deal with everything, but i buried that along with any other feelings of doubt. I sacrificed everything to keep you happy. I wish I wouldn’t have. I wish I would have asked you for help and let me lean on you when I needed to so badly. But I was way too fucking proud and stubborn for that. I kept it under wraps out of fear of rejection because all my life I have been rejected and told my problems were not important or admissible. I was so scared of you telling me how I felt wasn’t important or worthwhile that I honestly believed you would leave me and find someone new immediately because I was replaceable. I was just doing everything right to keep you happy and as soon as I stopped I was done for you. That was it I was no longer valued if I couldn’t do that and I would be let go and someone would replace me. I still hate that feeling. Of knowing someone else has been with you or will be with you. I hate it so fucking much Melinda.
I still would like nothing more than another chance even though I know now I will never get it. I just want to prove to myself and to you and to everyone that I am not what I did. I am so much more than that. I do not know fully what I am capable of, but I do know that now I am more competent and capable then before. I can give everything now where before I was scared. The love I have to give is more potent and vast and fierce that the past pales in comparison to it. What I did was so wrong and I accept that. & I accept that I will never get another chance and I accept that you will move on and I accept that what I lost was irreplaceable. I just think people should know I am not some loser. Some cheater. Some lowlife who broke the most beautiful persons heart. Its not trying to save face it is trying to be confident in who I am as a person and voicing it. I have done so much soul searching and reflection I know now where I went wrong at every turn I did & how I would correct it. & I just think you should know, because you still say you love me, that I am better now than ever before. Even though I am broken and have an immense amount of sadness, more than ever before, I am stronger and a better person and lover than before. Before I was a bunch of tiny pieces that could only give what little they could offer individually. Now I am whole and mending the last little tiny fragments that lay around me. I can give and grow with someone so much more than before. I am ready to give all of me this time around. I just am waiting for the right person to present itself and make their presence known. I am ready to be honest and open and love like no one else can. I have so much love to give, so much more than before. & even then the love I gave was vast, it was just not whole. This time around it will be different. I just want to thank you for teaching me what it means to love and to give and to be all that someone wants. I want to thank you for showing me what love is. I want to thank you allowing me to break and come back whole. If it was not for you I would not be who I am right now. I would not be so strong, so open and honest, so loving. I am just sorry I could never give that to you when we were together. It is a deep regret I will live with the rest of my life, and nothing will ever change that. I broke a beautiful, in every way, shape, and form, girls heart because I was not ready to love like I should have been. I am so deeply sorry Melinda. I hope that you can truly forgive me and I can only hope you remember me for who I am now and not who I was then. They are not the same people. No where even close. I am sorry Melinda.
All my life I’ve ran from or denied any problems that have come my way. From being beaten to sexually assaulted and held down and made fun of for being a young boy. From being emotionally tormented and told I’d never amount to shit or a prison number. From chaos in my life at home to school. From mistakes made in relationships.
All I’ve ever done is run. Run away from it all. All my life I’ve done a damn good job at running too. I’ve only let the past catch me a couple times, but god damn when it did… it was beyond fucking brutal.
It is the worst thing to happen to me. It goes beyond each individual experience because they all meld together to form one soul crushing behemoth that blacks out my vision and has driven me to try and commit suicide. Multiple times. Each one a failure. Each one a permanent mark in the back of my mind about a time where I felt so weak, so overcome with emotion and memories of past events that all I wanted was a way out of the dark. The way I chose was a permanent darkness.
Im not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I realize that I have problems I need to deal with. Demons I need to confront and get comfortable with.
You can’t kill memories though. Every time you try they just come back stronger, with a maelstrom of emotion and eyes full of rage. They snuff out that beacon of hope you carry within in. For a while you wander around in the dark, sometimes losing out all hope of ever relighting that beacon, and you just want the dark to go away. You want all the misery and rage and sorrow to leave. So you try and do that in any way possible. Some people drink their lives away, some get high stay high, mixing downers with uppers. Some people get so overwhelmed they think putting a bullet in their head is the only way out, or maybe jumping in front of a car, or swallowing their entire months supply of medication. I know some of these have all at some point in time been my way out.
I’ve been the drinker. I’ve been that guy that can’t seem to stay sober and gets high all the time. I’ve been that guy thats been at his temple with a .40. I’ve been that guy thats tried to jump out in front of traffic. Im the one who took 60 pills and hoped i’d never wake up.
All that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, it never did. It’s something that has happened, and I can’t change that fact of my life. I think about how lost I was in the dark, how alone and afraid I’ve been, and how hopeless I’ve felt. All I think about after that is “will this come to pass again?” “Next time, am I going to be successful with something for the first time in my life?” It consumes my mind. It turns it into this black hole of oblivion that nothing escapes from and it blocks out all other thoughts.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be in the dark again. Im terrified of the dark. Nyctophobia is the name for it. I can’t be in the dark mentally or physically without becoming overcome with the fear of whats out there, or whats going to happen. It’s bad enough having to live with it, but the mental strain of never knowing when something is going to to trigger me into a downward spiral keeps me on the verge of panic.
Right now I’m just lost and terrified of whats coming next, because I honestly have no idea. I hate the unknown. I always have. I think that’s where my fear of the dark comes from.
I think I’m at a turning point in my life though. Things have been happening where I can’t change the outcome no matter how hard I try. People are removing me from their lives. I can’t do anything to change any of this, and honestly I feel so lost and hopeless. I feel like I’m in the dark even though my beacon is still lit. I just am afraid of what my next step is because I’m so close to the edge of living dangerously that I’m afraid my best decision will actually be my worst. I won’t know until I try though, and because of that I need to make decisions and I need to experience life and go out and do things. I need to stay away from oblivion.
I am uncertain about the future. Hell, I don’t even know whats going on in the present. All I can really hope for is for everything to work out, and for people to welcome me back in their lives. With or without hesitation, I don’t care, I just want people back in my life for me. So I can have more relationships with people, so I can feel comfortable with others, so I can feel like I belong. I just want to be happy, and my entire life i’ve been running from that too, because I don’t know what it actually feels like to be happy.
Happiness is one of those things where its the greatest thing in the world when its present. Take happiness away though. All you’re left with is a sense of yearning for once what was. Sorrow and anxiety come to take its place. Fear is another. You’re left with this terrible concoction of emotions all because a great one went away. That’s why I’m terrified of happiness, because once it’s gone I’m afraid my light will go too, and because of that I am afraid of what I might do.
I’m not exactly sure what I hoped to accomplish with this but I hope I did accomplish it. I wonder what life entails..