You know it really blows when you think maybe you’re finally moving past, & then a tsunami hits you and knocks you lower than you were originally.

I actually just fucking miss you like crazy it’s driving me insane I’m so pathetic.

Don’t wait for me to come home

The sheer amount of willpower I’m having to conjure out of thin air in order to hang on by a thread is staggering.

I’ve put SO many systems in place to order to ensure I don’t revert back into those dark places. From meditation to strict workout routines and showering and brushing my teeth on cue every day.

Now I have to implement polyphasic sleep schedules and strict diet regimes alongside ever more rigorous scheduling because I’m fucking slipping mentally and I don’t want to do that.

Gonna pour all my energy into bodybuilding and school again like how I use to do it back in high school. Absolutely crazy to me I was in better “overall” health the majority of my high school career compared to the last 4 out of it and trying to navigate life with no structure and a botched suicide attempt. You know for as much as I shit on school and hated it, just wow did it work amazing at keeping me grounded and goal oriented. Even dealing with being homeless and living in a group home for a little bit to living in abandoned houses, I still managed to find success.

It’s really weighing heavily on me that my younger self dealt with what seems to be more bullshit but somehow managed to accomplish more. Makes zero sense. Absolutely none. Maybe I’ve just gotten worse overtime but I don’t feel that way. Who knows.

I have to dedicate myself to learning & growing. It’s the only thing I actually enjoy even when feeling like I want to set myself on fire.

Also can’t get Lissa out of my head and that’s driving me absolutely insane holy shit. I didn’t think I was co-dependent but maybe I was just in ways i didn’t realize because there were facets I wasn’t paying attention to simply because what was going well was going amazing. To think I’m such a fucking failure, it hurts. It really does.

Sometimes I lie down in bed and zone out. Eyes open but I can’t see anything. My body being vibrating and I feel an awful sense of dread. Haven’t experienced anything like this in years. It’s weird it’s a strangely family and comforting sense of dread. Talk about mismatched and confusing feelings on the perspective of existential despair and an impending sense of doom and embracing it but not wanting to die. Make that make sense, because I sure as shit can’t.

Pretty sure I’m dissociating daily at this point. Time passes where I can’t remember what happened and there is a large time dilation where it feels like mere minutes when it’s been hours. Very disorienting and also depressing because that’s nothing but time wasted where I could be using that to good effort in bettering myself and situation. Really been tugging at strings in my brain and things are starting to unravel.

Can you feel yourself start to slip into the darkness and be consumed by madness? Or does it happen all at once? At what point does in switch from slipping to being submerged in and how can you tell if you’re at that point? If I hold on tightly enough to my sense of reality can I break free again and emerge from it again? Or am I going to need help? I don’t want help. If I can’t do it alone then I don’t want to do it at all. I don’t want to be dependent for the rest of my life. I’d rather die. I want to succeed where people tell me I can’t. I want to do everything they said I couldn’t. I want people to realize they shouldn’t have given up on me. And I’m never going to hold it against them, because damn I’ve given up in myself before, but it would be nice to be recognized for grasping triumph from the jaws of defeat.

Here I stand at the crossroads of life and death.

The road to life is a path devoid of hope & full of death that is full of crags and pits in destitution.

The road to death is a path of life and ecstasy floating between clouds in the mountain tops.

Weird how the end destinations differ so much from the journeys of which to reach them.

I woke up dreaming about you. I haven’t been able to recall a dream in so long… the entire premise of this trip was to get my mind off you and yet all I’ve done every day is think about you.

It’s sad really, all I want is a hug from you where we share locked eyes and you run your fingers down my hands as i softly stroke your face. It’s the only physical intimacy I’m craving lately. I want to be told I’m loved.

I went to a waterfall yesterday. I took a path down where people have died by falling off the cliff side 200 feet below. I did it not because I have a death wish but because I was willing to do whatever it took in order to see the beauty from the ground and because I wanted the memories of doing something others had failed and even died trying to do.

I keep that same energy in relationships and with you until lately. Now I just miss you constantly and all I want is a text asking if I’m okay or recognition that you maybe miss me a little too. I won’t ever get that.

I think I’ll miss you more before I start to miss you less. I won’t let myself start to hate you in order to get over you, I’ll keep loving you inside my mind because you deserve that. I won’t let feelings of desire taint and ruin the real love I feel and felt.

I won’t let that love ruin any future prospects either. It’ll turn to an ember, and there’s no reason to try and douse it or put it out. You’re the only person I actually thought about seriously having children with. I’ve had juvenile thoughts previously with the last ex, but I was also clinically insane and couldn’t keep the thought of killing myself at bay for more than a few minutes at a time, so I think I’ll let my thoughts on that relationship continue to wither away because the only reason it worked was because of sex and because she was the only person to show me love during one of the worst periods of my life until you came along and just wanted to make sure I was okay and wanted to be a friend.

Hopefully things get easier soon. I can’t imagine waking up dreaming about you every morning for the next 6 months. I’d probably go back to drugs to numb my brain.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re healing and I hope you’re moving along better than I am Lissa. I’m really sorry we didn’t work out because of a simple failure of communication during a time when we needed to be open and honest the most.

Life & Death

Why is my self worth & worth to lovers tied so closely to my fiscal success and the ability to physically provide? looking back and reminiscing it pains me to say I’ve had questions surrounding that notion pointed my way even though my job at the time averaged $40 an hour, although it wasn’t a long term investment job. It really fucking hurts you know. I promise I’m worth more than money. Why was money such an important make or break that it overtook anything & everything else I was willing to provide? It hurts so much. Really just makes me want to commit to financial success damning all the rest and disappear forever after the fact is known I made it.

Disappearing after military service gets completed does sound so nice to be honest. I spent all morning crying fantasizing about it and how shitty everything is. It’s weird how suicide seems like such an easy out but I absolutely despise the idea now for myself. After coming so close those years back, I really don’t think I’ll ever attempt again. Suicidal ideation is weird now because death and the idea of it seems so pleasing and like release, yet the joys life brings and the success I want to have literally destroys any notion of wanting to die. Dying before I finish what I want to do is my biggest fear in life now. I guess my “obsession” or ideation about dying now is much more figurative or metaphorical in the sense that I want to distance myself from my past but also move past it and the best way I can see for that to happen is to “kill” myself. My memories, my past, my habits, my name. Anything tied to my past failures. Not necessarily running away. I don’t want to run away. I think healing is a life long process and it’s unique to everyone.

Forgiveness is one of the biggest things to be achieved in order to let go and be happy. Unfortunately forgiveness is not something I offer myself. I’m letting my failures define who I am instead of dictate how I should forge forward in order to succeed. I don’t know how to let go besides erasing who I am and starting anew. I really don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone currently. Or maybe I do and it’s so strong it scares me so I force it away and suppress it because I’m afraid of all those relationships ceasing to be as well. Things are okay if I end them on my terms, or so I think. I’m not sure yet if it’s the best notion to believe that being “in control” of how things end is actually beneficial to my mental. Things seemed easier when everything was ambiguous and there was still a small flame there. I snuffed that out and the last facades of light are slowly fading from vision and the cavern is going all black. Metaphorical death I think is on the horizon.

You know how even when it’s pitch black you can still determine different depths or shades of darkness ? That’s currently how it feels. Everything around me is dark, & looking toward the future, that horizon I see is even darker. Is darkness really such a bad thing though…? I’m terrified of the dark, but should I be? Imagine being at peace in the dark and while lonely. Imagine finding the ability to remain hopeful or happy when all around you there is nothing but shadows and death. Is the death of who you are and ego really something to be fearful of? The things I like about myself I can always find again. The good things can always be reforged.

I think being able to remain bright and bold when there is darkness lurking that threatens to consume you at a moments weakness is something I’ve failed at before. Maybe it’s not the dark around me that I’m afraid of losing to but the darkness inside me I’m trying to keep from escaping that is shaping my perspective. Maybe it’s a mix of both. There is this core inside I’m trying so hard to keep lit inside of me. I can sometimes almost feel tendrils wrapping around it. I’m wondering how long I have to nurture the Phoenix before it deflagrates the entirety of the darkness inside. I’ve got a suspicion its going to cause a conflagration in my physical life as well and some relationships will be too scorched to salvage at that point.

Does love drive people mad or is it grief? You’d think people would want passionate lovers and friends but passion can turn to obsession and jealously so insanely fast I think passion is the ultimate failure of the human emotion spectrum of left unchecked. I’m so passionate about giving all the love I deny myself to others that when I find them sad or lonely or depressed it becomes my main prerogative in life to let them know they are cherished and loved and appreciated. I will stop at nothing. It’s an insatiable hunger and desire with such intensity. Seeing people light up and their faces change, their auras exuding newfound confidence and hope, their demeanor changing to one of hopefulness. Hearing genuine laughter, noting real smiles. Have you ever noticed people smell differently when actually happy? Seeing this and helping people achieve this brings me such great joy and happiness that is so momentary and fleeting it becomes such a depressive vicious cycle. Imagine doing everything in your power to help someone succeed & then they want to help you and you refuse because you don’t think you deserve it. And eventually they get tired of the constant negativity surrounding you and your inability to do for yourself what you do for others. They leave. Because they don’t want to go back to the place they were before. I don’t want to leave the place I am. They don’t leave me behind, I usher them forward and close the door. Eventually the knocking subsides and I’ll open it back up, only to find nobody there anymore. & I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

At some point in the future I will cease to be. I’ll disappear. I won’t want to be found until I can look at myself and not see the sadness and anger lurking inside.

I’m just sad.

Still think about her everyday & god damn does it hurt so much but I know eventually pain fades and my happy memories with her won’t evoke feelings of worthlessness or pain. The sad memories won’t evoke feelings of longing or regret. Eventually she will just be someone I gave my all and things didn’t work out how I wanted them to. I think knowing this makes the pain that much worse now, because she really was the one I wanted to fall asleep next to and wake up with for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure I’ll always miss the good times and hearing songs I know she likes makes me smile at first and then just feel such intense depression and the desperation grows to reach out to her and just let her know I really do care about her still. For my sake though I really can’t do that, because I need to move along and grow without her because she doesn’t want what we had anymore. I don’t really blame her either. I kinda suck. My highs are great. My lows are literally awful. My middling mind I’m sure seem more like disinterest or standoffish, when in reality it’s much closer to just being content with the fact that I know I’m in love and don’t want to ruin it because I kind of suck. Ahhhhh I’m so sad. I do miss her. So much. Oh well. I just want to hear the sound of her voice once more, even if I know it won’t be for a long while again. It’s just so soothing to my soul and makes me feel at peace every time we locked eyes. Maybe some day I’ll learn how to take what I can write and vocalize it to those I love and want to spend time with. I’m really sorry Lissa.

IM BACK!

& MANIC!!!! FML.

Got into a fight with my girlfriend (I never fight with her, we argue sometimes but that’s the end of it, a small argument) broke a 100$ PC cooler that i was using for a build in a computer i was making for my little brother becuase i couldnt get my fucking fingers between it and the MOBO heatsink, left dents in my desk from frustration punches, spent 500$ on the build because i just need to finish the fucker so i can hurry up and sell it to him. Its taking me two hours to fall asleep and although i sleep for 6-8 hours, i wake up feeling tired sometimes, which is honestly extremely fucking weird because if i get 2-4 i wake up feeling refreshed and ready to fuck shit up. Honestly dont know if my diagnosis is bipolar 1 with psychotic features or if its actually schizoaffective bipolar subtype because for the last two months or so the bipolar symptoms have gradually gotten worse to where its full blown mania at this point, but when i was just starting to notice the patterns and what was going on, i was already paranoid, having delusions that I was gonna invent time travel and discover the cure to this god damn disease by taking what we know today back 100 years, and hearing things that werent actually there upon investigation. Like when i was at work working in the cooler and i heard two people mumbling in a conversation. & yes i am fairly confident in my ability to tell if i am psychotic or not when i actually am. I reason with myself while counting to 10 repeatedly because it helps me focus. I count to ten until i start to think about whats happening in my life and subconsciously keep counting while i hash it out with myself. IDK why it works, but it works. & i know that i am psychotic, but it comes and goes. Its not omnipresent, which is also extremely fucking weird because in all my research ive never found anything that says youre psychotic one day and not the next while having an episode whether it be schizophrenia or a mood episode. The pattern usually is youre psychotic, lack of sleep exacerbates that until youre unable to function, and then youre hospitalized and/or put on meds to help you. Well im on the maximum dosage of Geodon thats pharmaceutically therapeutic, and on a low end  to moderate dosage of lamictal at 200mg. 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL daily, although sometimes i forget to take it because i take it when i wake up instead of when i go to sleep with the others. Im constantly taking 1-200 mg of Diphenhydramine HCl just to fucking sleep and its still taking me 45-120 minutes to fall asleep. I dont have any Klonopin left because my dumb ass decided i didnt need to refill it and i could just deal with this shit. Now im fucked until I see my PA in 8 days to figure out what the fucking is going on and if i need to hospitalize myself. Which i probably do because when a customer looks at me wrong at work during the night Im planning out how to fucking murder them and their bloodline and taking my own life after or doing something drastic in a suicidal way. I literally envision it in such clear vivid detail and i have a plan for every situation that arises and i relish the chance just to fucking do it. I cant wait for the day some motherfucker pushes me one step too far. Im just so fucking angry all the god damn time for no reason. Im ALWAYS on a knifes edge. & its not just any knife, its a fucking medieval era samurai sword edge and im slowly cutting myself in half length wise. I NEED help but i dont want that shit and im too stubborn to accept it, but if my doc says i need to be hospitalized then ill go on my own accord. I wont let them commit me because that means ill never be able to own a gun or join the military if im ever off meds and not seeing a psych. Which i know probably isnt ever possible but i like to dream. The military suits my lifestyle of extremely hard work ethic, body destroying training/workouts, and perfectionism that goes perfectly with my OCPD. I swear to god id be the perfect soldier if i didnt want to kill my CO for calling me something i didnt like. But maybe one day i could get around that. IDK. Who knows. Probbaly someone who knows me like i know me but isnt really fucked up in the head. God if i had someone like that it would be fantastic. Oh well. Dreams are just that. Dreams.

Honestly fucking hate when customers interrupt me while im doing something. Jesus christ i get im supposed to serve you above all else but my fucking health and venting is more important than you spending your money on fucking lotto when youre just going to lose. Get the fuck out of my face you stupid fuckin cunts. FUCK.

Alright im finishing my work shift and gonna go home and try to sleep. Might decide to hosptialize myself after this week is done after im done working. IDK. We will see. Im sure ill be back soon.

Did I mention i literally want to have sex all the fucking time. Jesus christ im masterbating like 4 times a day and thinking about sex probably 12 times a day. Its horrific. I see something even SLIGHTLY in the most minuscule amount provactive im hard as an ironwood branch in seconds. & it doesnt go away for at least 45 minutes up to an hour if i dont masterbate. Then it can come back as soon as 3o minutes later. Im fucking dying. My girlfriend lives 5o minutes away, its fucking terrible.

Stuck between a hypomanic episode and mild/moderate depression. Am told i am just cycling due to life changes (work, girlfriend back at college, debt) but i dont think its just cycling. Honestly feel like im about to have an episode and honestly feel like i have  dysthymia. Probably just my hypochondria though. Then again its probably not. Cant wait to talk to my psychologist so i can just figure out what the fuck is going on. Got my lamictal upped too. Thats not too bad though, its helping with the sleep. No long needing to take unisom and melatonin. I sleep between 4-8 hours. It really just depends on the day. Anyways im just really fucking irritable but also elated but also feeling apathetic and low motivation. Shit doesnt make any sense.

Having flashbacks of when I was sexually assaulted randomly today. Its really put me in an awful mood because it just tears down my self esteem because of what I remember being said to me when I was so young. It really destroys my confidence in who I am and what I am about. Its honestly just bullshit.

Well its been about a month since Ive last been on here. Life has been pretty good. My meds are finally right with no needed adjustments necessary right now. Still looking for a job but I think I might just take one 3rd shift at this store on the corner by where I live. Normally I wouldnt do this since I’m a pretty proud person and think anything thats not important is beneath me, but im trying to broaden my horizions and to do so, I think I need to humble myself. Goals are to get a car, find a better job after thats been established, hit the gym daily once I have my car, then find a place to live that isnt my parents house. Baby steps though, baby steps. I just need to focus on whats in front of me and take that on first before I even start to think about the future and what I want to do. Its nice to have a plan and all, but you need to complete the small tasks before you in order to conquer the larger task beyond those small ones. Right now my big plan is just going back to school. Not finding a career, not get married, not have kids, not anything but just going back to school.

Now that I have a woman in my life again life seems a bit more approachable. I have someone to lean on and someone who leans on me. We feed off eachothers energy and keep eachother in check. We support one another. Thats all I really want and need.

I’ll try and keep in touch more frequently. Its just been on the back of my mind really and no drive has been present to post until tonight. Thanks!

Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.

I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.

I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.

I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.

I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.

I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.

Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.

The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.

The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!

Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.