I haven’t slept much more than a few hours in 3-4 days now.

I’m irritable and “tired” but sleep is fleeting.

I kind of want to die.

When the switch flips and you feel the energy radiating outwards from within & right under your heart.

Perfect timing because I leave to the west coast tomorrow!

I stop in Chicago on my way back. I’ll deal with that hurdle when I get to it.

I just wish my thoughts matched me energy outside of the gym and shower haha

Stuck between a hypomanic episode and mild/moderate depression. Am told i am just cycling due to life changes (work, girlfriend back at college, debt) but i dont think its just cycling. Honestly feel like im about to have an episode and honestly feel like i have  dysthymia. Probably just my hypochondria though. Then again its probably not. Cant wait to talk to my psychologist so i can just figure out what the fuck is going on. Got my lamictal upped too. Thats not too bad though, its helping with the sleep. No long needing to take unisom and melatonin. I sleep between 4-8 hours. It really just depends on the day. Anyways im just really fucking irritable but also elated but also feeling apathetic and low motivation. Shit doesnt make any sense.

Manic-Depressive Embodied

I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.

I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing  everything I’ve set out to do in life.

I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.

I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.

I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.

Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.

All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.

I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.

I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.

I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.

All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.

I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.

I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.

I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.

I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…

Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.

 

Reality

There are approximately 3.5 billion people on this planet with the gender of female. There are 31.5 million women between the ages of 18-24 in America alone. Why am I stressing over 1 girl from my hometown who has moved on, when their are literally millions of women out there. It makes no sense and I’m done obsessing over something that will never happen. Ill relapse probably but I’m okay with that. I’ll get past that.

In the meantime Ill probably just try and drown myself in women. Maybe I’ll find one that likes me and I like her. Maybe I wont. Thats okay. Im going to be okay with that. I need to experience other people. I need to live life when I’m 19 and stop chasing after this 40 year old one im hellbent on making a reality.

I don’t know. It’s weird though.

Stupefied

I’ve been so apathetic the past few days it seems as if absolutely nothing in this world means anything to me. I simply want to lie in bed & close my eyes as I hope for sleep to take me. I’m perplexed as to what spurred this phenomenon. I felt lively just last week, maybe a little manic, but thats besides the point. It just seems out of nowhere I simply cannot care about a single god damned thing in my life, yet at the same time I cannot stop thinking about how I don’t care and why I actually should. You see, my mind is constantly analyzing every detail about every thing, no matter what it is:

The fabric of my linens dont all flow together perfectly, the people in my life are not acting how I expect them to, am I ever going to get my life together, am I going to go for 7 hours and 40 minutes of sleep or just a solid 8, will I be able to sleep at all, there is a shirt that isnt in its right spot hanging up in my closet and even though I cant see it,

it drives me mad. All of it does. Some of this is normal, some of it not so much and is part of my disorder.

I don’t actually care about any of it, yet I do in the sense that I am obsessing over things that I have no desire to try and change or actually worry about. It is exhausting. Suddenly not caring about anything with simultaneously worrying about absolutely everything is a recipe for disaster. It’s just a matter of time before I implode under the mental stress of it all, but honestly I’m not worried about it.