IM BACK!

& MANIC!!!! FML.

Got into a fight with my girlfriend (I never fight with her, we argue sometimes but that’s the end of it, a small argument) broke a 100$ PC cooler that i was using for a build in a computer i was making for my little brother becuase i couldnt get my fucking fingers between it and the MOBO heatsink, left dents in my desk from frustration punches, spent 500$ on the build because i just need to finish the fucker so i can hurry up and sell it to him. Its taking me two hours to fall asleep and although i sleep for 6-8 hours, i wake up feeling tired sometimes, which is honestly extremely fucking weird because if i get 2-4 i wake up feeling refreshed and ready to fuck shit up. Honestly dont know if my diagnosis is bipolar 1 with psychotic features or if its actually schizoaffective bipolar subtype because for the last two months or so the bipolar symptoms have gradually gotten worse to where its full blown mania at this point, but when i was just starting to notice the patterns and what was going on, i was already paranoid, having delusions that I was gonna invent time travel and discover the cure to this god damn disease by taking what we know today back 100 years, and hearing things that werent actually there upon investigation. Like when i was at work working in the cooler and i heard two people mumbling in a conversation. & yes i am fairly confident in my ability to tell if i am psychotic or not when i actually am. I reason with myself while counting to 10 repeatedly because it helps me focus. I count to ten until i start to think about whats happening in my life and subconsciously keep counting while i hash it out with myself. IDK why it works, but it works. & i know that i am psychotic, but it comes and goes. Its not omnipresent, which is also extremely fucking weird because in all my research ive never found anything that says youre psychotic one day and not the next while having an episode whether it be schizophrenia or a mood episode. The pattern usually is youre psychotic, lack of sleep exacerbates that until youre unable to function, and then youre hospitalized and/or put on meds to help you. Well im on the maximum dosage of Geodon thats pharmaceutically therapeutic, and on a low end  to moderate dosage of lamictal at 200mg. 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL daily, although sometimes i forget to take it because i take it when i wake up instead of when i go to sleep with the others. Im constantly taking 1-200 mg of Diphenhydramine HCl just to fucking sleep and its still taking me 45-120 minutes to fall asleep. I dont have any Klonopin left because my dumb ass decided i didnt need to refill it and i could just deal with this shit. Now im fucked until I see my PA in 8 days to figure out what the fucking is going on and if i need to hospitalize myself. Which i probably do because when a customer looks at me wrong at work during the night Im planning out how to fucking murder them and their bloodline and taking my own life after or doing something drastic in a suicidal way. I literally envision it in such clear vivid detail and i have a plan for every situation that arises and i relish the chance just to fucking do it. I cant wait for the day some motherfucker pushes me one step too far. Im just so fucking angry all the god damn time for no reason. Im ALWAYS on a knifes edge. & its not just any knife, its a fucking medieval era samurai sword edge and im slowly cutting myself in half length wise. I NEED help but i dont want that shit and im too stubborn to accept it, but if my doc says i need to be hospitalized then ill go on my own accord. I wont let them commit me because that means ill never be able to own a gun or join the military if im ever off meds and not seeing a psych. Which i know probably isnt ever possible but i like to dream. The military suits my lifestyle of extremely hard work ethic, body destroying training/workouts, and perfectionism that goes perfectly with my OCPD. I swear to god id be the perfect soldier if i didnt want to kill my CO for calling me something i didnt like. But maybe one day i could get around that. IDK. Who knows. Probbaly someone who knows me like i know me but isnt really fucked up in the head. God if i had someone like that it would be fantastic. Oh well. Dreams are just that. Dreams.

Honestly fucking hate when customers interrupt me while im doing something. Jesus christ i get im supposed to serve you above all else but my fucking health and venting is more important than you spending your money on fucking lotto when youre just going to lose. Get the fuck out of my face you stupid fuckin cunts. FUCK.

Alright im finishing my work shift and gonna go home and try to sleep. Might decide to hosptialize myself after this week is done after im done working. IDK. We will see. Im sure ill be back soon.

Did I mention i literally want to have sex all the fucking time. Jesus christ im masterbating like 4 times a day and thinking about sex probably 12 times a day. Its horrific. I see something even SLIGHTLY in the most minuscule amount provactive im hard as an ironwood branch in seconds. & it doesnt go away for at least 45 minutes up to an hour if i dont masterbate. Then it can come back as soon as 3o minutes later. Im fucking dying. My girlfriend lives 5o minutes away, its fucking terrible.

Its been about 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. Well there hasnt been much to write about.

I got a job working for commerical remodel that is probably only temporary but i bring home about 3 grand a month.

I ended things officially with my ex and am no longer speaking to her.

I am developing something very healthy and real with a girl I really like. Shes aware of what I deal with and it doesnt bother her, which is a huge boon.

I’ve had only minor hallucinations, mostly visual in nature but I’ve heard a couple things when I’m home alone that I am fairly sure are not actually happening.

I’m still dealing with delusions and have had massive help from friends and family in correcting or addressing what I am thinking and when it is abnormal or grandiose in nature. Its getting easier to tell when my thinking is delusional from a self perspective and I’m able to begin to correct the problem before it becomes one.

Overall my life has been pretty normal and great. My psychologist told me this morning that my thinking was fairly linear in nature and I’ve improved vastly over the last few visits. Its nice to hear that people think I’m getting better, & it’s nice to actually feel like I’m getting better too.

The only thing that is seriously a hinderance is the paranoia, but that will get better in time, & if it doesnt its one of the few things I don’t mind dealing with as much because to beat it its as easy as taking a risk. Thats my theory anyways.

The only actual problem I have is I’m currently dealing with a Manic/Mixed episode. I’m dealing though, & I have medications set in place to prevent a depressive epsiode from happening. So as long as I dont have a relapse, I’ll be fine!

Life has been good to me though. I just wish it could be the same for everyone else.

Manic-Depressive Embodied

I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.

I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing  everything I’ve set out to do in life.

I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.

I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.

I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.

Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.

All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.

I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.

I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.

I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.

All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.

I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.

I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.

I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.

I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…

Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.