Don’t wait for me to come home

The sheer amount of willpower I’m having to conjure out of thin air in order to hang on by a thread is staggering.

I’ve put SO many systems in place to order to ensure I don’t revert back into those dark places. From meditation to strict workout routines and showering and brushing my teeth on cue every day.

Now I have to implement polyphasic sleep schedules and strict diet regimes alongside ever more rigorous scheduling because I’m fucking slipping mentally and I don’t want to do that.

Gonna pour all my energy into bodybuilding and school again like how I use to do it back in high school. Absolutely crazy to me I was in better “overall” health the majority of my high school career compared to the last 4 out of it and trying to navigate life with no structure and a botched suicide attempt. You know for as much as I shit on school and hated it, just wow did it work amazing at keeping me grounded and goal oriented. Even dealing with being homeless and living in a group home for a little bit to living in abandoned houses, I still managed to find success.

It’s really weighing heavily on me that my younger self dealt with what seems to be more bullshit but somehow managed to accomplish more. Makes zero sense. Absolutely none. Maybe I’ve just gotten worse overtime but I don’t feel that way. Who knows.

I have to dedicate myself to learning & growing. It’s the only thing I actually enjoy even when feeling like I want to set myself on fire.

Also can’t get Lissa out of my head and that’s driving me absolutely insane holy shit. I didn’t think I was co-dependent but maybe I was just in ways i didn’t realize because there were facets I wasn’t paying attention to simply because what was going well was going amazing. To think I’m such a fucking failure, it hurts. It really does.

Sometimes I lie down in bed and zone out. Eyes open but I can’t see anything. My body being vibrating and I feel an awful sense of dread. Haven’t experienced anything like this in years. It’s weird it’s a strangely family and comforting sense of dread. Talk about mismatched and confusing feelings on the perspective of existential despair and an impending sense of doom and embracing it but not wanting to die. Make that make sense, because I sure as shit can’t.

Pretty sure I’m dissociating daily at this point. Time passes where I can’t remember what happened and there is a large time dilation where it feels like mere minutes when it’s been hours. Very disorienting and also depressing because that’s nothing but time wasted where I could be using that to good effort in bettering myself and situation. Really been tugging at strings in my brain and things are starting to unravel.

Can you feel yourself start to slip into the darkness and be consumed by madness? Or does it happen all at once? At what point does in switch from slipping to being submerged in and how can you tell if you’re at that point? If I hold on tightly enough to my sense of reality can I break free again and emerge from it again? Or am I going to need help? I don’t want help. If I can’t do it alone then I don’t want to do it at all. I don’t want to be dependent for the rest of my life. I’d rather die. I want to succeed where people tell me I can’t. I want to do everything they said I couldn’t. I want people to realize they shouldn’t have given up on me. And I’m never going to hold it against them, because damn I’ve given up in myself before, but it would be nice to be recognized for grasping triumph from the jaws of defeat.

Here I stand at the crossroads of life and death.

The road to life is a path devoid of hope & full of death that is full of crags and pits in destitution.

The road to death is a path of life and ecstasy floating between clouds in the mountain tops.

Weird how the end destinations differ so much from the journeys of which to reach them.

Ill be back by Dawn

What do you do when you begin to realize your inability to feel tired and the lack of sleep isnt affecting you. When you feel devoid of emotion yet also so full of emotion it beckons forth streams that turn to waterfalls. Oceans inside are swelling with no place for overflow anymore. Oceans inside are draining with no notion to where they are headed. Walls are torn down, walls are erected. The grass is alive and so green. The sky is in a heavy overcast, there is no sun. The trees billow freely yet my cheeks remain wet even after the rivers have dried and died.

It feels like a lucid dream, everything feels surreal. Nothing is real but how can that be when i see myself typing this very post. The hairs stand on my neck, the breeze creeps up my leg. I glissade down the rabbit hole. Cautious yet curious. My mind is whole yet fractured. The schism between who I am and who I want to be. Where does this trail lead? I see fresh footprints but there is no displaced grass. They are floating? My eyes are closed, im experiencing sensations that feel alien. How to describe something that hasnt been felt before. There is no experience to draw from.

Experience. What a funny notion. We draw from these fragmentations in order to better prepare for current happenings even though there will never be two things that are quite the same. Our own memories distorted to achieve what we believe to be true. No outside influence. Just us. Gaslighting ourselves eventually when asked to recall or call upon the experience when needed. Can one have experience in losing their mind? How does that work? Am I actually losing it, or am i just experiencing new concepts for the first time from a new summit in life? The letters are falling off the screen, black dots are dancing across my vision. I refocus. They dissipate. They return. They disappear. I have an overwhelming sense of relief and tension wash over my body. Like willingly submerging yourself into freezing water. Its molten down into the nerve endings. My skin is ablaze. My skin is taut. My mind is racing. My mind is expanding. My soul is fleeting. My heartbeat syncs with the musics bassline. When did i go from listening to R&B and Rap to EDM? The song is WILDFIRE by Jaenga.

Why do I feel so much tension. The sun rises soon. I am one with the sun. It melts the feelings of inadequacy away. The feelings of worthlessness take root and grow. The moon waxes and wanes. The oceans are shoved and yanked backwards. Rains pours from open skies. Sunshine blossoms from dark clouds. Is this what it means to be one and yet feel everything? Is this what it means to be all yet feel nothing?

I feel all the microscopic tears in my muscles. My entire body is agony. My pain is ecstasy. I feel growth. I regress. I gain yet lose. Every step forward is a step in place. Every step backwards is a leap ahead? My past is dead. I can learn nothing from it, ive gleamed all I could from it. My past is full of information. I have so much to learn.

Why do i feel so light, as if im floating? Why am i sinking upwards? Where is my mind taking me as i vocalize these thoughts and come in and out. So much time has passed. I’ve been typing for 13 minutes. Its been days. The lights flicker. My vision fades then my pupils dilates and the world reveals itself. Am i experiencing this in real life or inside my mind? It feels real. It isnt real. This isnt real. Im not real. My mind is real. This is real. IT IS REAL?

Internal monologues are quite common among people. They are healthy. I talk frequently to myself. Heres the thing though… I keep asking questions and getting silence in return. Have you ever asked yourself something and there is no response? Not even fleeting thoughts, just total and deafening silence. Its like tinnitus. Real life fades away, and Im in a room alone watching things dissipate in real time until im alone in a large room. Like a reverb chamber. I hear my heart beat slowly fade and my breathing slows. Eventually I am devoid of all sensations, and yet there is still no response.

I am at peace. I am at war. I am war, herald of peace. I am peace, harbinger of war. I am dying to live. I am living to die.

I pull out and everything floods back into real time. Everything is surreal. No time has passed. Hours have passed. I see the first tendrils of sunshine peak over the horizon. They envelope the entirety of my vision. The entity is beckoning. I am alive. I am… well?

I dont know what the fuck is going on anymore. Im sure ill glean insight from this in time. Im going to watch the sunrise. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. They are my favorite. Its all so serene and peaceful. Its all i want to share with someone. The beauty, the fleeting feelings of sadness being eradicated and the growth of happiness and the seeds of love blossoming. Im numb. I feel everything but i am numb. I miss you. Im sorry.

I may not have someone special to talk to right now but then again I dont really need one. Its nice and all, but im learning so much about my own happiness and what its worth, I dont feel the need to have someone in my life right now. If it happens then it’s something I wont shy away from, but I’m not actively looking for someone to replace what I lost. I dont even want to replace it, I want to have something new. Something better. So when that time finally comes, Ill be ready.

Content

Talking with my therapist today made me realize that this girl who I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me was only that for this chapter in my life. There will be a girl who I meet who will be the plots zenith of my story. What I lost may be irreplaceable, but that is not a bad thing. What we had was inherently flawed, and that was my fault. But something new will happen and come into my life and it will be beautiful beyond measure and have me feeling elated and so content with life I will remember now and how I felt and it will be comical. I am glad she taught me this lesson, and I still find joy in the memories of our relationship, but I realize now that is was not my books zenith. It was the high point of this particular chapter and the end of that relationship was the low point. I am on to a new chapter of self discovery and reinvention. A path of creating new bridges and forming new bonds. I can only thank you for being what I needed in my life at this time of weakness and keeping me afloat. You may not be the best thing that ever happened to me but you are one of the most important. & for that I will always remember you and keep a special place in my heart for you. It may not be the one I thought it would be, but it is there none the less. I will always have love for the girl who broke my heart and whos heart I broke, but it is a love that is thankful and one that is memorable. It will not be slow burning and an ember like I thought it would be for so long. That is reserved for someone else in my life, and for the first time in my life, I am excited for the future.

Questions

What do I mean to you? What role do I play in your life? Where do I stand with you? Without me in your life, are the things I give replaceable, or are they unique to me and something you will miss? Do I give you the feeling of all youve wanted when combined with other people? If I took that away, would you be okay? Would you seek me out again, realizing that what I provide is irreplaceable or irreplicable, or would you leave it like dust in the wind, seeking it out within others? What would happen if you could never find it again? Would you try and make amends, or are you too proud and stubborn to ever try for reconciliation? Would you live your life bitter, and angry, that I took with me what cannot be replaced, or would you forgive and realize your mistake? Would you ever try again with me? You say you forgive, but you have not yet moved past. I can understand that. What I do not understand is my place in your life. Why do you keep me within arms distance and call upon me in times of need and distress, why do you tell me when something is wrong and when something bad happens. Why do you seek me out first or second? Why do you seek me out at all? Is our chapter in life not yet closed and moved on to the next stage in this story? Will there be another chapter? If yes, why? If no, why? Is there reason to keep within contact with one another? Is there reason not to? Is there reason to share our struggles, because we know one another and share that bond still, or are we being foolish and trying to keep parts we still like though they are broken? I need answers if I am to make a decision in my own life. It is not fair if you call all the shots. I am not trying to be black and white, that is why I am asking these questions. I am trying to decide if it is worth it to stay where I am with you, or if it is best to drop all this and move on? I need to figure out what is the best course of option for me, and to do that I need your help in answering these questions. Maybe you will find some answers from within yourself, that you could not find because you didnt know which questions to ask. Because you were not confronted with them. I am trying to figure out what is best for me, and I need you to work with me for that to happen. Please try, do not leave me hanging, or I will leave and take everything I give you with me, & I will not look back. That is not a threat, it is a geniune feeling I have and one I do not take lightly. I do not want to do that, but I wont play guessing games with you and try to figure out where I stand and what I provide. I am tired of not understanding. I understand your desire to be mysterious, but I need you to be clear with me about this.

I can not take guessing where I stand and what I mean to you any longer.

War

I stay to myself mostly because I am scared i am going to hurt someone. I see it constantly in my head. I just snap. Whether it be for no reason at all, or because someone was threatening me, or someone said something i didn’t like. A life or death situation, a house party, in the middle of a classroom. I scare myself because I know its possible. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, so I imagine if I was put into those situations I would act how I imagine. I envision it constantly. Murder, assault, heinous acts of violence committed for seemingly no reason than I wanted to do it sometimes. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt someone. Even if it was for good reason, life self defense, I take it to the next level. I am brutal in another sense. On a different level of reality. People think it stops eventually but it doesnt. I go past turning a head into mush and literally crush the concrete underneath it. I don’t stop, I cant stop. I have this endless pool of rage i tap into and it fuels everything I do. I control it until I snap. I usually restrain it after I’ve had my time and come back to reality. But i don’t know if I’d stop when faced with a stranger. I don’t know if I’d stop when faced when caught on an off day. I wouldn’t stop actually. I know I wouldn’t because i can feel the energy of it. It is unfathomable. Its not possible to know the vastness of it. Its depth. Its reservoirs are constantly being filled past the brim and spilling into every other aspect of my life. It swells like a maelstrom during a thunderous rain. Two currents of seething rage fighting one another to be the dominant force. A fight between mindless, explosive rage and a cold, silent, calculated one. It never stops. Its always there, present in every movement i make, every thought I have, every ounce of my soul. Its there, making its presence known but never taking over. It taunts me, knowing it can overload my senses and turn me primal at any given moment. It knows & it relishes this. It feeds off my fear of what I am capable of. Two different aspects of power forged into one entity, capable of destroying everything in my life. A force so malevolent and vast it blocks out any hope for reason. There is only rage. Only hate. I can feel it slowly encroaching on my sanity. It blots out the sun and casts shadows on the stronghold I have built for myself. I have worked tirelessly to create something beautiful and full of love and hope. But i fear that I have not worked hard enough to counter balance the rage i have inside. This fear only amplifies its potency. Sometimes I fear i will never be able to create enough love to dilute the rage and make it manageable. Splitting it into two separate entities does not strike me as a solid plan. One day I am trying to destroy the world and all who reside in it, the next I am trying to rebuild it. It doesn’t make any sense. The only way this turns out good is if I somehow manage to create and feel enough love I can hold onto and keep it from shattering under the staggering weight and strength of what haunts me. I am not religious in the sense that I follow no religion, but I do believe in higher powers. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that God is all good. If man is made in the image of God, although imperfect, how can these imperfections be so deep and evil. They stem from my soul. I did not willingly create these demons, they just appeared somehow. I did nothing to summon them, nothing to influence them, nothing to cause them to maliciously attack me very being and attempt to corrupt me. How can I be made in the image of god when some aspects of who I am naturally resemble that of Lucifer. Was it just mere chance or was I just doomed from the beginning of time. Maybe I am meant to be an example of contrast between good and evil. The perfect being to showcase the natures of both love and hate. Maybe it is my destiny to be the perfect example of the realities of good and evil. The embodiment of God And Lucifer. Two forces fighting for control of helpless human beings who have no knowledge of what truly goes happens on a higher plane of existence. Perhaps I am special and because of that I am doomed. Made to be a example of for meddling in the affairs of that which I can not hope to understand in full. In my mind i see scraps of information, filtering through archaic nothingness only to stumble on something not meant for my eyes. It is my belief that we are all capable of this. We just don’t understand the nature of ourselves. Once we begin to understand we are destined to be overcome with stark contrasts in emotion and a sense of impeding death that is always around the color. Once we begin to understand we are punished. The living are not meant to understand the shortcomings of human nature, nor are they meant to understand the extent of which we are capable of. We are supposed to be sheep, being shepherd by the religions we follow, the demons we fear, the gods we wonder at in awe. Once we stop being sheep they try to bend us to their will through force. They do everything in their power to break us. Once we break we either kill or kill ourselves. We lose all sense of meaning in this world and turn primal. Our minds liquified into incoherent thoughts, fear, paranoia, rage. We don’t come back from that. It is why I fear myself so much. I am constantly on the brink of annihilation. Of soul crushing defeat. Of committing heinous crimes against my fellow brethren and sisters. Of losing myself in the midst of all that is going on inside my mind. The constant turmoil. Of rage turned hate and solace turned a deep fondness for love constantly contending with one another, vying for the ultimate triumph. I am so very confused and feel myself slipping. I am not sure how much longer my soul can take. It is in constant anguish and I feel this frustration creeping into every aspect of my life. Even of love. I feel like I am losing myself.

I cant take this anymore. The waiting. The obsession. The never ending train of thoughts that torture me. I dont understand why I have this cocktail of mental problems that cause me endless stress and strain with no real solution. I dont understand why I obsess over everything. Over her. Why did she have to come into my life only to leave. It’s not fair.