I woke up dreaming about you. I haven’t been able to recall a dream in so long… the entire premise of this trip was to get my mind off you and yet all I’ve done every day is think about you.

It’s sad really, all I want is a hug from you where we share locked eyes and you run your fingers down my hands as i softly stroke your face. It’s the only physical intimacy I’m craving lately. I want to be told I’m loved.

I went to a waterfall yesterday. I took a path down where people have died by falling off the cliff side 200 feet below. I did it not because I have a death wish but because I was willing to do whatever it took in order to see the beauty from the ground and because I wanted the memories of doing something others had failed and even died trying to do.

I keep that same energy in relationships and with you until lately. Now I just miss you constantly and all I want is a text asking if I’m okay or recognition that you maybe miss me a little too. I won’t ever get that.

I think I’ll miss you more before I start to miss you less. I won’t let myself start to hate you in order to get over you, I’ll keep loving you inside my mind because you deserve that. I won’t let feelings of desire taint and ruin the real love I feel and felt.

I won’t let that love ruin any future prospects either. It’ll turn to an ember, and there’s no reason to try and douse it or put it out. You’re the only person I actually thought about seriously having children with. I’ve had juvenile thoughts previously with the last ex, but I was also clinically insane and couldn’t keep the thought of killing myself at bay for more than a few minutes at a time, so I think I’ll let my thoughts on that relationship continue to wither away because the only reason it worked was because of sex and because she was the only person to show me love during one of the worst periods of my life until you came along and just wanted to make sure I was okay and wanted to be a friend.

Hopefully things get easier soon. I can’t imagine waking up dreaming about you every morning for the next 6 months. I’d probably go back to drugs to numb my brain.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re healing and I hope you’re moving along better than I am Lissa. I’m really sorry we didn’t work out because of a simple failure of communication during a time when we needed to be open and honest the most.

Having flashbacks of when I was sexually assaulted randomly today. Its really put me in an awful mood because it just tears down my self esteem because of what I remember being said to me when I was so young. It really destroys my confidence in who I am and what I am about. Its honestly just bullshit.

Manic-Depressive Embodied

I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.

I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing  everything I’ve set out to do in life.

I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.

I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.

I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.

Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.

All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.

I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.

I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.

I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.

All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.

I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.

I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.

I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.

I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…

Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.

 

Past -> Present -> Future

All my life I’ve ran from or denied any problems that have come my way. From being beaten to sexually assaulted and held down and made fun of for being a young boy. From being emotionally tormented and told I’d never amount to shit or a prison number. From chaos in my life at home to school. From mistakes made in relationships.

All I’ve ever done is run. Run away from it all. All my life I’ve done a damn good job at running too. I’ve only let the past catch me a couple times, but god damn when it did… it was beyond fucking brutal.

It is the worst thing to happen to me. It goes beyond each individual experience because they all meld together to form one soul crushing behemoth that blacks out my vision and has driven me to try and commit suicide. Multiple times. Each one a failure. Each one a permanent mark in the back of my mind about a time where I felt so weak, so overcome with emotion and memories of past events that all I wanted was a way out of the dark. The way I chose was a permanent darkness.

Im not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I realize that I have problems I need to deal with. Demons I need to confront and get comfortable with.

You can’t kill memories though. Every time you try they just come back stronger, with a maelstrom of emotion and eyes full of rage. They snuff out that beacon of hope you carry within in. For a while you wander around in the dark, sometimes losing out all hope of ever relighting that beacon, and you just want the dark to go away. You want all the misery and rage and sorrow to leave. So you try and do that in any way possible. Some people drink their lives away, some get high stay high, mixing downers with uppers. Some people get so overwhelmed they think putting a bullet in their head is the only way out, or maybe jumping in front of a car, or swallowing their entire months supply of medication. I know some of these have all at some point in time been my way out.

I’ve been the drinker. I’ve been that guy that can’t seem to stay sober and gets high all the time. I’ve been that guy thats been at his temple with a .40. I’ve been that guy thats tried to jump out in front of traffic. Im the one who took 60 pills and hoped i’d never wake up.

All that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, it never did. It’s something that has happened, and I can’t change that fact of my life. I think about how lost I was in the dark, how alone and afraid I’ve been, and how hopeless I’ve felt. All I think about after that is “will this come to pass again?” “Next time, am I going to be successful with something for the first time in my life?” It consumes my mind. It turns it into this black hole of oblivion that nothing escapes from and it blocks out all other thoughts.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be in the dark again. Im terrified of the dark. Nyctophobia is the name for it. I can’t be in the dark mentally or physically without becoming overcome with the fear of whats out there, or whats going to happen. It’s bad enough having to live with it, but the mental strain of never knowing when something is going to to trigger me into a downward spiral keeps me on the verge of panic.

Right now I’m just lost and terrified of whats coming next, because I honestly have no idea. I hate the unknown. I always have. I think that’s where my fear of the dark comes from.

I think I’m at a turning point in my life though. Things have been happening where I can’t change the outcome no matter how hard I try. People are removing me from their lives. I can’t do anything to change any of this, and honestly I feel so lost and hopeless. I feel like I’m in the dark even though my beacon is still lit. I just am afraid of what my next step is because I’m so close to the edge of living dangerously that I’m afraid my best decision will actually be my worst. I won’t know until I try though, and because of that I need to make decisions and I need to experience life and go out and do things. I need to stay away from oblivion.

I am uncertain about the future. Hell, I don’t even know whats going on in the present. All I can really hope for is for everything to work out, and for people to welcome me back in their lives. With or without hesitation, I don’t care, I just want people back in my life for me. So I can have more relationships with people, so I can feel comfortable with others, so I can feel like I belong. I just want to be happy, and my entire life i’ve been running from that too, because I don’t know what it actually feels like to be happy.

Happiness is one of those things where its the greatest thing in the world when its present. Take happiness away though. All you’re left with is a sense of yearning for once what was. Sorrow and anxiety come to take its place. Fear is another. You’re left with this terrible concoction of emotions all because a great one went away. That’s why I’m terrified of happiness, because once it’s gone I’m afraid my light will go too, and because of that I am afraid of what I might do.

 

I’m not exactly sure what I hoped to accomplish with this but I hope I did accomplish it. I wonder what life entails..