Having flashbacks of when I was sexually assaulted randomly today. Its really put me in an awful mood because it just tears down my self esteem because of what I remember being said to me when I was so young. It really destroys my confidence in who I am and what I am about. Its honestly just bullshit.

Manic-Depressive Embodied

I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.

I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing  everything I’ve set out to do in life.

I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.

I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.

I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.

Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.

All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.

I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.

I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.

I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.

All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.

I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.

I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.

I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.

I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…

Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.