Life & Death

Why is my self worth & worth to lovers tied so closely to my fiscal success and the ability to physically provide? looking back and reminiscing it pains me to say I’ve had questions surrounding that notion pointed my way even though my job at the time averaged $40 an hour, although it wasn’t a long term investment job. It really fucking hurts you know. I promise I’m worth more than money. Why was money such an important make or break that it overtook anything & everything else I was willing to provide? It hurts so much. Really just makes me want to commit to financial success damning all the rest and disappear forever after the fact is known I made it.

Disappearing after military service gets completed does sound so nice to be honest. I spent all morning crying fantasizing about it and how shitty everything is. It’s weird how suicide seems like such an easy out but I absolutely despise the idea now for myself. After coming so close those years back, I really don’t think I’ll ever attempt again. Suicidal ideation is weird now because death and the idea of it seems so pleasing and like release, yet the joys life brings and the success I want to have literally destroys any notion of wanting to die. Dying before I finish what I want to do is my biggest fear in life now. I guess my “obsession” or ideation about dying now is much more figurative or metaphorical in the sense that I want to distance myself from my past but also move past it and the best way I can see for that to happen is to “kill” myself. My memories, my past, my habits, my name. Anything tied to my past failures. Not necessarily running away. I don’t want to run away. I think healing is a life long process and it’s unique to everyone.

Forgiveness is one of the biggest things to be achieved in order to let go and be happy. Unfortunately forgiveness is not something I offer myself. I’m letting my failures define who I am instead of dictate how I should forge forward in order to succeed. I don’t know how to let go besides erasing who I am and starting anew. I really don’t feel any attachment to anything or anyone currently. Or maybe I do and it’s so strong it scares me so I force it away and suppress it because I’m afraid of all those relationships ceasing to be as well. Things are okay if I end them on my terms, or so I think. I’m not sure yet if it’s the best notion to believe that being “in control” of how things end is actually beneficial to my mental. Things seemed easier when everything was ambiguous and there was still a small flame there. I snuffed that out and the last facades of light are slowly fading from vision and the cavern is going all black. Metaphorical death I think is on the horizon.

You know how even when it’s pitch black you can still determine different depths or shades of darkness ? That’s currently how it feels. Everything around me is dark, & looking toward the future, that horizon I see is even darker. Is darkness really such a bad thing though…? I’m terrified of the dark, but should I be? Imagine being at peace in the dark and while lonely. Imagine finding the ability to remain hopeful or happy when all around you there is nothing but shadows and death. Is the death of who you are and ego really something to be fearful of? The things I like about myself I can always find again. The good things can always be reforged.

I think being able to remain bright and bold when there is darkness lurking that threatens to consume you at a moments weakness is something I’ve failed at before. Maybe it’s not the dark around me that I’m afraid of losing to but the darkness inside me I’m trying to keep from escaping that is shaping my perspective. Maybe it’s a mix of both. There is this core inside I’m trying so hard to keep lit inside of me. I can sometimes almost feel tendrils wrapping around it. I’m wondering how long I have to nurture the Phoenix before it deflagrates the entirety of the darkness inside. I’ve got a suspicion its going to cause a conflagration in my physical life as well and some relationships will be too scorched to salvage at that point.

Does love drive people mad or is it grief? You’d think people would want passionate lovers and friends but passion can turn to obsession and jealously so insanely fast I think passion is the ultimate failure of the human emotion spectrum of left unchecked. I’m so passionate about giving all the love I deny myself to others that when I find them sad or lonely or depressed it becomes my main prerogative in life to let them know they are cherished and loved and appreciated. I will stop at nothing. It’s an insatiable hunger and desire with such intensity. Seeing people light up and their faces change, their auras exuding newfound confidence and hope, their demeanor changing to one of hopefulness. Hearing genuine laughter, noting real smiles. Have you ever noticed people smell differently when actually happy? Seeing this and helping people achieve this brings me such great joy and happiness that is so momentary and fleeting it becomes such a depressive vicious cycle. Imagine doing everything in your power to help someone succeed & then they want to help you and you refuse because you don’t think you deserve it. And eventually they get tired of the constant negativity surrounding you and your inability to do for yourself what you do for others. They leave. Because they don’t want to go back to the place they were before. I don’t want to leave the place I am. They don’t leave me behind, I usher them forward and close the door. Eventually the knocking subsides and I’ll open it back up, only to find nobody there anymore. & I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

At some point in the future I will cease to be. I’ll disappear. I won’t want to be found until I can look at myself and not see the sadness and anger lurking inside.

War

I stay to myself mostly because I am scared i am going to hurt someone. I see it constantly in my head. I just snap. Whether it be for no reason at all, or because someone was threatening me, or someone said something i didn’t like. A life or death situation, a house party, in the middle of a classroom. I scare myself because I know its possible. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, so I imagine if I was put into those situations I would act how I imagine. I envision it constantly. Murder, assault, heinous acts of violence committed for seemingly no reason than I wanted to do it sometimes. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt someone. Even if it was for good reason, life self defense, I take it to the next level. I am brutal in another sense. On a different level of reality. People think it stops eventually but it doesnt. I go past turning a head into mush and literally crush the concrete underneath it. I don’t stop, I cant stop. I have this endless pool of rage i tap into and it fuels everything I do. I control it until I snap. I usually restrain it after I’ve had my time and come back to reality. But i don’t know if I’d stop when faced with a stranger. I don’t know if I’d stop when faced when caught on an off day. I wouldn’t stop actually. I know I wouldn’t because i can feel the energy of it. It is unfathomable. Its not possible to know the vastness of it. Its depth. Its reservoirs are constantly being filled past the brim and spilling into every other aspect of my life. It swells like a maelstrom during a thunderous rain. Two currents of seething rage fighting one another to be the dominant force. A fight between mindless, explosive rage and a cold, silent, calculated one. It never stops. Its always there, present in every movement i make, every thought I have, every ounce of my soul. Its there, making its presence known but never taking over. It taunts me, knowing it can overload my senses and turn me primal at any given moment. It knows & it relishes this. It feeds off my fear of what I am capable of. Two different aspects of power forged into one entity, capable of destroying everything in my life. A force so malevolent and vast it blocks out any hope for reason. There is only rage. Only hate. I can feel it slowly encroaching on my sanity. It blots out the sun and casts shadows on the stronghold I have built for myself. I have worked tirelessly to create something beautiful and full of love and hope. But i fear that I have not worked hard enough to counter balance the rage i have inside. This fear only amplifies its potency. Sometimes I fear i will never be able to create enough love to dilute the rage and make it manageable. Splitting it into two separate entities does not strike me as a solid plan. One day I am trying to destroy the world and all who reside in it, the next I am trying to rebuild it. It doesn’t make any sense. The only way this turns out good is if I somehow manage to create and feel enough love I can hold onto and keep it from shattering under the staggering weight and strength of what haunts me. I am not religious in the sense that I follow no religion, but I do believe in higher powers. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that God is all good. If man is made in the image of God, although imperfect, how can these imperfections be so deep and evil. They stem from my soul. I did not willingly create these demons, they just appeared somehow. I did nothing to summon them, nothing to influence them, nothing to cause them to maliciously attack me very being and attempt to corrupt me. How can I be made in the image of god when some aspects of who I am naturally resemble that of Lucifer. Was it just mere chance or was I just doomed from the beginning of time. Maybe I am meant to be an example of contrast between good and evil. The perfect being to showcase the natures of both love and hate. Maybe it is my destiny to be the perfect example of the realities of good and evil. The embodiment of God And Lucifer. Two forces fighting for control of helpless human beings who have no knowledge of what truly goes happens on a higher plane of existence. Perhaps I am special and because of that I am doomed. Made to be a example of for meddling in the affairs of that which I can not hope to understand in full. In my mind i see scraps of information, filtering through archaic nothingness only to stumble on something not meant for my eyes. It is my belief that we are all capable of this. We just don’t understand the nature of ourselves. Once we begin to understand we are destined to be overcome with stark contrasts in emotion and a sense of impeding death that is always around the color. Once we begin to understand we are punished. The living are not meant to understand the shortcomings of human nature, nor are they meant to understand the extent of which we are capable of. We are supposed to be sheep, being shepherd by the religions we follow, the demons we fear, the gods we wonder at in awe. Once we stop being sheep they try to bend us to their will through force. They do everything in their power to break us. Once we break we either kill or kill ourselves. We lose all sense of meaning in this world and turn primal. Our minds liquified into incoherent thoughts, fear, paranoia, rage. We don’t come back from that. It is why I fear myself so much. I am constantly on the brink of annihilation. Of soul crushing defeat. Of committing heinous crimes against my fellow brethren and sisters. Of losing myself in the midst of all that is going on inside my mind. The constant turmoil. Of rage turned hate and solace turned a deep fondness for love constantly contending with one another, vying for the ultimate triumph. I am so very confused and feel myself slipping. I am not sure how much longer my soul can take. It is in constant anguish and I feel this frustration creeping into every aspect of my life. Even of love. I feel like I am losing myself.

I cant take this anymore. The waiting. The obsession. The never ending train of thoughts that torture me. I dont understand why I have this cocktail of mental problems that cause me endless stress and strain with no real solution. I dont understand why I obsess over everything. Over her. Why did she have to come into my life only to leave. It’s not fair.

Life.

I dont think I want to get close to anyone again. I’m too afraid of being incompetent. Disposable. Invaluable. Replaceable. Of having to depend on others for my self worth.

Until I learn to have self esteem and self worth that is not dependent on the opinions and whims of others, I dont want to be close to anyone. I need to learn how to be independent and the only way I can do this is by being alone.

Her.

First off I would just like to say that time does not heal all wounds. With time I will only learn more and more that when I lost you, it is irreplaceable. No one will replicate or mimic you or what we had. As time passes the feelings of loss will only grow. I can learn to deal with it, and keep it at bay, but ultimately its going to be brewing as long as I live. Which fucking sucks. You’ll get over it, move past. Find someone new and forget about me. No matter what you say, eventually I will be a faded memory and a distant one at that. Eventually you will learn to love and trust again. You will open up to them, you will be warm and full of life again and they will compliment you more than I ever could at the time. I could never give you all of me because I don’t know what I was capable of. I was too reserved and too stubborn to trust you completely with everything about me for fear of judgment or you leaving me. I was dependent on you for my self worth. If I made you happy then I was happy and felt good about myself. If I made you sad or angry or upset I hated myself and couldn’t bare to live with it so I did everything to make you happy again. At one point in time you could have convinced me to kill myself if it made you happy. I would have done it probably. I would have tried, and probably failed like I failed you as a lover and a friend. I know what I did and I understand why I was never given a second chance. I hate it. I hate it so much, I hate me so much for doing this to myself. I like to say I don’t but I do. Im not sure how to deal with it. Ive been trying so hard Melinda. So fucking hard. Ive thrown everything at myself to cope, to distract, to heal, to forgive. I feel like I’ve done everything I can do, and nothing seems to work. It enrages me. That rage spills over into everything I do in life. It gives me energy to be relentless. This rage actually fuels me. It pours into everything I do in some form or another. It actually helps me stay calm even. Its different. Its not bad at all. Its not like any other rage. This rage fuels everything I do in life whether I like it or not. It is there and its energy is unbelievable. Its what is helping me cope. I am so far gone from the person I was. I was beyond redemption. I had to forge myself anew. I am not the same person I was when we met Melinda. I am not the same person when I was out of my mind, hearing voices and seeing demons, sure that everyone was plotting against me, paranoid beyond belief. I am not that person anymore. I still deal with it, everyday. But I don’t let it consume me and I don’t follow what they say. For a time I thought it was god speaking to me. I know now its just overactive dopamine receptors in my brain that were dormant until I decided to drop Acid. At least thats what I belief. It could have happened regardless. Which sucks. Its life. Maybe I was just destined to have a fucked up life and lose everything I held close. I don’t know. I fuck up everything I touch. Its actually stupid. I can’t touch a single thing without fucking it up. 

Cheaters don’t get second chances. And thats what I did. Not physically but emotionally. It was such a little fucking thing that spiraled out of control because I ignored it and buried it and didn’t talk about it out of fear of rejection and losing you. I knew that you would lose it and dump me and tell me to go be happy with her. But i never wanted that. I wanted to be happy with you, I just had unresolved feelings because she was there when you weren’t when you broke up with me the first time. & it was just so fucked up and retarded. I saw you in her and I just wanted to be with you. Then i got you back somehow. I still don’t exactly know what happened but you came back into my life and I was so thankful. I was so ready to be the best thing for you and love you endlessly and make you happier than you ever will be. But I failed because I let myself be weak when I should have been strong. I shouldn’t have been so emotionally invested in you after only 2 months. Not even 2. It was my mistake to decide that. And because of that I sought you out everywhere I could because I just wanted you. Thats all Ive ever wanted. More so than anything in my life. More than getting better, more than not having to face depression again, more than not being angry all the time. I just wanted you in my life because you were this beacon of love and hope and calm. You were everything I didn’t have in my life and I wanted that so badly. It was so selfish but I didn’t know at the time I was being selfish. I just wanted to love you like no other and have you be mine. Being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. It was only my downfall because I thought I needed you to bring peace to my life. I could have done that all by myself had I tried. I would have moved mountains for you. I would have done anything you asked. I would have loved you endlessly and so fiercely it would have been irreplaceable. It wouldn’t have been rivaled by anything anyone could throw at us. But I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t whole myself. I was looking for relief through you and you gave it to me and I became dependent on you. I wanted nothing more than to keep you happy, keep you feeling loved and worshipped, keep you feeling like you had it all and like nobody would be able to have what you did. I wanted everyone to be jealous of you. I wanted everyone to wish they were you. & for a time I think I succeeded. And I would have continued to succeed had I been honest and open about my struggles and what demons I was facing instead of dismissing it at every turn when you asked me what was wrong. I wish I would have been open and had more faith in you that you wouldn’t turn me away and break up with me. I was so scared of losing you I lost myself along the way and became someone who only did things to please other people. For the first time in my life Melinda I stopped caring about myself and what was going to happen to me and I only cared about you and how you felt and what you were going to do and making sure you could achieve all your dreams. I let myself be consumed with this want of making you happy and keeping you feeling like a goddess and like you had it perfect. I knew deep down that eventually this would stop and I would have to deal with everything, but i buried that along with any other feelings of doubt. I sacrificed everything to keep you happy. I wish I wouldn’t have. I wish I would have asked you for help and let me lean on you when I needed to so badly. But I was way too fucking proud and stubborn for that. I kept it under wraps out of fear of rejection because all my life I have been rejected and told my problems were not important or admissible. I was so scared of you telling me how I felt wasn’t important or worthwhile that I honestly believed you would leave me and find someone new immediately because I was replaceable. I was just doing everything right to keep you happy and as soon as I stopped I was done for you. That was it I was no longer valued if I couldn’t do that and I would be let go and someone would replace me. I still hate that feeling. Of knowing someone else has been with you or will be with you. I hate it so fucking much Melinda.

I still would like nothing more than another chance even though I know now I will never get it. I just want to prove to myself and to you and to everyone that I am not what I did. I am so much more than that. I do not know fully what I am capable of, but I do know that now I am more competent and capable then before. I can give everything now where before I was scared. The love I have to give is more potent and vast and fierce that the past pales in comparison to it. What I did was so wrong and I accept that. & I accept that I will never get another chance and I accept that you will move on and I accept that what I lost was irreplaceable. I just think people should know I am not some loser. Some cheater. Some lowlife who broke the most beautiful persons heart. Its not trying to save face it is trying to be confident in who I am as a person and voicing it. I have done so much soul searching and reflection I know now where I went wrong at every turn I did & how I would correct it. & I just think you should know, because you still say you love me, that I am better now than ever before. Even though I am broken and have an immense amount of sadness, more than ever before, I am stronger and a better person and lover than before. Before I was a bunch of tiny pieces that could only give what little they could offer individually. Now I am whole and mending the last little tiny fragments that lay around me. I can give and grow with someone so much more than before. I am ready to give all of me this time around. I just am waiting for the right person to present itself and make their presence known. I am ready to be honest and open and love like no one else can. I have so much love to give, so much more than before. & even then the love I gave was vast, it was just not whole. This time around it will be different. I just want to thank you for teaching me what it means to love and to give and to be all that someone wants. I want to thank you for showing me what love is. I want to thank you allowing me to break and come back whole. If it was not for you I would not be who I am right now. I would not be so strong, so open and honest, so loving. I am just sorry I could never give that to you when we were together. It is a deep regret I will live with the rest of my life, and nothing will ever change that. I broke a beautiful, in every way, shape, and form, girls heart because I was not ready to love like I should have been. I am so deeply sorry Melinda. I hope that you can truly forgive me and I can only hope you remember me for who I am now and not who I was then. They are not the same people. No where even close. I am sorry Melinda.