I stay to myself mostly because I am scared i am going to hurt someone. I see it constantly in my head. I just snap. Whether it be for no reason at all, or because someone was threatening me, or someone said something i didn’t like. A life or death situation, a house party, in the middle of a classroom. I scare myself because I know its possible. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, so I imagine if I was put into those situations I would act how I imagine. I envision it constantly. Murder, assault, heinous acts of violence committed for seemingly no reason than I wanted to do it sometimes. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt someone. Even if it was for good reason, life self defense, I take it to the next level. I am brutal in another sense. On a different level of reality. People think it stops eventually but it doesnt. I go past turning a head into mush and literally crush the concrete underneath it. I don’t stop, I cant stop. I have this endless pool of rage i tap into and it fuels everything I do. I control it until I snap. I usually restrain it after I’ve had my time and come back to reality. But i don’t know if I’d stop when faced with a stranger. I don’t know if I’d stop when faced when caught on an off day. I wouldn’t stop actually. I know I wouldn’t because i can feel the energy of it. It is unfathomable. Its not possible to know the vastness of it. Its depth. Its reservoirs are constantly being filled past the brim and spilling into every other aspect of my life. It swells like a maelstrom during a thunderous rain. Two currents of seething rage fighting one another to be the dominant force. A fight between mindless, explosive rage and a cold, silent, calculated one. It never stops. Its always there, present in every movement i make, every thought I have, every ounce of my soul. Its there, making its presence known but never taking over. It taunts me, knowing it can overload my senses and turn me primal at any given moment. It knows & it relishes this. It feeds off my fear of what I am capable of. Two different aspects of power forged into one entity, capable of destroying everything in my life. A force so malevolent and vast it blocks out any hope for reason. There is only rage. Only hate. I can feel it slowly encroaching on my sanity. It blots out the sun and casts shadows on the stronghold I have built for myself. I have worked tirelessly to create something beautiful and full of love and hope. But i fear that I have not worked hard enough to counter balance the rage i have inside. This fear only amplifies its potency. Sometimes I fear i will never be able to create enough love to dilute the rage and make it manageable. Splitting it into two separate entities does not strike me as a solid plan. One day I am trying to destroy the world and all who reside in it, the next I am trying to rebuild it. It doesn’t make any sense. The only way this turns out good is if I somehow manage to create and feel enough love I can hold onto and keep it from shattering under the staggering weight and strength of what haunts me. I am not religious in the sense that I follow no religion, but I do believe in higher powers. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that God is all good. If man is made in the image of God, although imperfect, how can these imperfections be so deep and evil. They stem from my soul. I did not willingly create these demons, they just appeared somehow. I did nothing to summon them, nothing to influence them, nothing to cause them to maliciously attack me very being and attempt to corrupt me. How can I be made in the image of god when some aspects of who I am naturally resemble that of Lucifer. Was it just mere chance or was I just doomed from the beginning of time. Maybe I am meant to be an example of contrast between good and evil. The perfect being to showcase the natures of both love and hate. Maybe it is my destiny to be the perfect example of the realities of good and evil. The embodiment of God And Lucifer. Two forces fighting for control of helpless human beings who have no knowledge of what truly goes happens on a higher plane of existence. Perhaps I am special and because of that I am doomed. Made to be a example of for meddling in the affairs of that which I can not hope to understand in full. In my mind i see scraps of information, filtering through archaic nothingness only to stumble on something not meant for my eyes. It is my belief that we are all capable of this. We just don’t understand the nature of ourselves. Once we begin to understand we are destined to be overcome with stark contrasts in emotion and a sense of impeding death that is always around the color. Once we begin to understand we are punished. The living are not meant to understand the shortcomings of human nature, nor are they meant to understand the extent of which we are capable of. We are supposed to be sheep, being shepherd by the religions we follow, the demons we fear, the gods we wonder at in awe. Once we stop being sheep they try to bend us to their will through force. They do everything in their power to break us. Once we break we either kill or kill ourselves. We lose all sense of meaning in this world and turn primal. Our minds liquified into incoherent thoughts, fear, paranoia, rage. We don’t come back from that. It is why I fear myself so much. I am constantly on the brink of annihilation. Of soul crushing defeat. Of committing heinous crimes against my fellow brethren and sisters. Of losing myself in the midst of all that is going on inside my mind. The constant turmoil. Of rage turned hate and solace turned a deep fondness for love constantly contending with one another, vying for the ultimate triumph. I am so very confused and feel myself slipping. I am not sure how much longer my soul can take. It is in constant anguish and I feel this frustration creeping into every aspect of my life. Even of love. I feel like I am losing myself.
All my life I’ve ran from or denied any problems that have come my way. From being beaten to sexually assaulted and held down and made fun of for being a young boy. From being emotionally tormented and told I’d never amount to shit or a prison number. From chaos in my life at home to school. From mistakes made in relationships.
All I’ve ever done is run. Run away from it all. All my life I’ve done a damn good job at running too. I’ve only let the past catch me a couple times, but god damn when it did… it was beyond fucking brutal.
It is the worst thing to happen to me. It goes beyond each individual experience because they all meld together to form one soul crushing behemoth that blacks out my vision and has driven me to try and commit suicide. Multiple times. Each one a failure. Each one a permanent mark in the back of my mind about a time where I felt so weak, so overcome with emotion and memories of past events that all I wanted was a way out of the dark. The way I chose was a permanent darkness.
Im not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I realize that I have problems I need to deal with. Demons I need to confront and get comfortable with.
You can’t kill memories though. Every time you try they just come back stronger, with a maelstrom of emotion and eyes full of rage. They snuff out that beacon of hope you carry within in. For a while you wander around in the dark, sometimes losing out all hope of ever relighting that beacon, and you just want the dark to go away. You want all the misery and rage and sorrow to leave. So you try and do that in any way possible. Some people drink their lives away, some get high stay high, mixing downers with uppers. Some people get so overwhelmed they think putting a bullet in their head is the only way out, or maybe jumping in front of a car, or swallowing their entire months supply of medication. I know some of these have all at some point in time been my way out.
I’ve been the drinker. I’ve been that guy that can’t seem to stay sober and gets high all the time. I’ve been that guy thats been at his temple with a .40. I’ve been that guy thats tried to jump out in front of traffic. Im the one who took 60 pills and hoped i’d never wake up.
All that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, it never did. It’s something that has happened, and I can’t change that fact of my life. I think about how lost I was in the dark, how alone and afraid I’ve been, and how hopeless I’ve felt. All I think about after that is “will this come to pass again?” “Next time, am I going to be successful with something for the first time in my life?” It consumes my mind. It turns it into this black hole of oblivion that nothing escapes from and it blocks out all other thoughts.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be in the dark again. Im terrified of the dark. Nyctophobia is the name for it. I can’t be in the dark mentally or physically without becoming overcome with the fear of whats out there, or whats going to happen. It’s bad enough having to live with it, but the mental strain of never knowing when something is going to to trigger me into a downward spiral keeps me on the verge of panic.
Right now I’m just lost and terrified of whats coming next, because I honestly have no idea. I hate the unknown. I always have. I think that’s where my fear of the dark comes from.
I think I’m at a turning point in my life though. Things have been happening where I can’t change the outcome no matter how hard I try. People are removing me from their lives. I can’t do anything to change any of this, and honestly I feel so lost and hopeless. I feel like I’m in the dark even though my beacon is still lit. I just am afraid of what my next step is because I’m so close to the edge of living dangerously that I’m afraid my best decision will actually be my worst. I won’t know until I try though, and because of that I need to make decisions and I need to experience life and go out and do things. I need to stay away from oblivion.
I am uncertain about the future. Hell, I don’t even know whats going on in the present. All I can really hope for is for everything to work out, and for people to welcome me back in their lives. With or without hesitation, I don’t care, I just want people back in my life for me. So I can have more relationships with people, so I can feel comfortable with others, so I can feel like I belong. I just want to be happy, and my entire life i’ve been running from that too, because I don’t know what it actually feels like to be happy.
Happiness is one of those things where its the greatest thing in the world when its present. Take happiness away though. All you’re left with is a sense of yearning for once what was. Sorrow and anxiety come to take its place. Fear is another. You’re left with this terrible concoction of emotions all because a great one went away. That’s why I’m terrified of happiness, because once it’s gone I’m afraid my light will go too, and because of that I am afraid of what I might do.
I’m not exactly sure what I hoped to accomplish with this but I hope I did accomplish it. I wonder what life entails..