What if she tells me she hates me
What if she stops me before I finish telling her what I need to
I dont think I want to get close to anyone again. I’m too afraid of being incompetent. Disposable. Invaluable. Replaceable. Of having to depend on others for my self worth.
Until I learn to have self esteem and self worth that is not dependent on the opinions and whims of others, I dont want to be close to anyone. I need to learn how to be independent and the only way I can do this is by being alone.
First off I would just like to say that time does not heal all wounds. With time I will only learn more and more that when I lost you, it is irreplaceable. No one will replicate or mimic you or what we had. As time passes the feelings of loss will only grow. I can learn to deal with it, and keep it at bay, but ultimately its going to be brewing as long as I live. Which fucking sucks. You’ll get over it, move past. Find someone new and forget about me. No matter what you say, eventually I will be a faded memory and a distant one at that. Eventually you will learn to love and trust again. You will open up to them, you will be warm and full of life again and they will compliment you more than I ever could at the time. I could never give you all of me because I don’t know what I was capable of. I was too reserved and too stubborn to trust you completely with everything about me for fear of judgment or you leaving me. I was dependent on you for my self worth. If I made you happy then I was happy and felt good about myself. If I made you sad or angry or upset I hated myself and couldn’t bare to live with it so I did everything to make you happy again. At one point in time you could have convinced me to kill myself if it made you happy. I would have done it probably. I would have tried, and probably failed like I failed you as a lover and a friend. I know what I did and I understand why I was never given a second chance. I hate it. I hate it so much, I hate me so much for doing this to myself. I like to say I don’t but I do. Im not sure how to deal with it. Ive been trying so hard Melinda. So fucking hard. Ive thrown everything at myself to cope, to distract, to heal, to forgive. I feel like I’ve done everything I can do, and nothing seems to work. It enrages me. That rage spills over into everything I do in life. It gives me energy to be relentless. This rage actually fuels me. It pours into everything I do in some form or another. It actually helps me stay calm even. Its different. Its not bad at all. Its not like any other rage. This rage fuels everything I do in life whether I like it or not. It is there and its energy is unbelievable. Its what is helping me cope. I am so far gone from the person I was. I was beyond redemption. I had to forge myself anew. I am not the same person I was when we met Melinda. I am not the same person when I was out of my mind, hearing voices and seeing demons, sure that everyone was plotting against me, paranoid beyond belief. I am not that person anymore. I still deal with it, everyday. But I don’t let it consume me and I don’t follow what they say. For a time I thought it was god speaking to me. I know now its just overactive dopamine receptors in my brain that were dormant until I decided to drop Acid. At least thats what I belief. It could have happened regardless. Which sucks. Its life. Maybe I was just destined to have a fucked up life and lose everything I held close. I don’t know. I fuck up everything I touch. Its actually stupid. I can’t touch a single thing without fucking it up.
Cheaters don’t get second chances. And thats what I did. Not physically but emotionally. It was such a little fucking thing that spiraled out of control because I ignored it and buried it and didn’t talk about it out of fear of rejection and losing you. I knew that you would lose it and dump me and tell me to go be happy with her. But i never wanted that. I wanted to be happy with you, I just had unresolved feelings because she was there when you weren’t when you broke up with me the first time. & it was just so fucked up and retarded. I saw you in her and I just wanted to be with you. Then i got you back somehow. I still don’t exactly know what happened but you came back into my life and I was so thankful. I was so ready to be the best thing for you and love you endlessly and make you happier than you ever will be. But I failed because I let myself be weak when I should have been strong. I shouldn’t have been so emotionally invested in you after only 2 months. Not even 2. It was my mistake to decide that. And because of that I sought you out everywhere I could because I just wanted you. Thats all Ive ever wanted. More so than anything in my life. More than getting better, more than not having to face depression again, more than not being angry all the time. I just wanted you in my life because you were this beacon of love and hope and calm. You were everything I didn’t have in my life and I wanted that so badly. It was so selfish but I didn’t know at the time I was being selfish. I just wanted to love you like no other and have you be mine. Being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. It was only my downfall because I thought I needed you to bring peace to my life. I could have done that all by myself had I tried. I would have moved mountains for you. I would have done anything you asked. I would have loved you endlessly and so fiercely it would have been irreplaceable. It wouldn’t have been rivaled by anything anyone could throw at us. But I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t whole myself. I was looking for relief through you and you gave it to me and I became dependent on you. I wanted nothing more than to keep you happy, keep you feeling loved and worshipped, keep you feeling like you had it all and like nobody would be able to have what you did. I wanted everyone to be jealous of you. I wanted everyone to wish they were you. & for a time I think I succeeded. And I would have continued to succeed had I been honest and open about my struggles and what demons I was facing instead of dismissing it at every turn when you asked me what was wrong. I wish I would have been open and had more faith in you that you wouldn’t turn me away and break up with me. I was so scared of losing you I lost myself along the way and became someone who only did things to please other people. For the first time in my life Melinda I stopped caring about myself and what was going to happen to me and I only cared about you and how you felt and what you were going to do and making sure you could achieve all your dreams. I let myself be consumed with this want of making you happy and keeping you feeling like a goddess and like you had it perfect. I knew deep down that eventually this would stop and I would have to deal with everything, but i buried that along with any other feelings of doubt. I sacrificed everything to keep you happy. I wish I wouldn’t have. I wish I would have asked you for help and let me lean on you when I needed to so badly. But I was way too fucking proud and stubborn for that. I kept it under wraps out of fear of rejection because all my life I have been rejected and told my problems were not important or admissible. I was so scared of you telling me how I felt wasn’t important or worthwhile that I honestly believed you would leave me and find someone new immediately because I was replaceable. I was just doing everything right to keep you happy and as soon as I stopped I was done for you. That was it I was no longer valued if I couldn’t do that and I would be let go and someone would replace me. I still hate that feeling. Of knowing someone else has been with you or will be with you. I hate it so fucking much Melinda.
I still would like nothing more than another chance even though I know now I will never get it. I just want to prove to myself and to you and to everyone that I am not what I did. I am so much more than that. I do not know fully what I am capable of, but I do know that now I am more competent and capable then before. I can give everything now where before I was scared. The love I have to give is more potent and vast and fierce that the past pales in comparison to it. What I did was so wrong and I accept that. & I accept that I will never get another chance and I accept that you will move on and I accept that what I lost was irreplaceable. I just think people should know I am not some loser. Some cheater. Some lowlife who broke the most beautiful persons heart. Its not trying to save face it is trying to be confident in who I am as a person and voicing it. I have done so much soul searching and reflection I know now where I went wrong at every turn I did & how I would correct it. & I just think you should know, because you still say you love me, that I am better now than ever before. Even though I am broken and have an immense amount of sadness, more than ever before, I am stronger and a better person and lover than before. Before I was a bunch of tiny pieces that could only give what little they could offer individually. Now I am whole and mending the last little tiny fragments that lay around me. I can give and grow with someone so much more than before. I am ready to give all of me this time around. I just am waiting for the right person to present itself and make their presence known. I am ready to be honest and open and love like no one else can. I have so much love to give, so much more than before. & even then the love I gave was vast, it was just not whole. This time around it will be different. I just want to thank you for teaching me what it means to love and to give and to be all that someone wants. I want to thank you for showing me what love is. I want to thank you allowing me to break and come back whole. If it was not for you I would not be who I am right now. I would not be so strong, so open and honest, so loving. I am just sorry I could never give that to you when we were together. It is a deep regret I will live with the rest of my life, and nothing will ever change that. I broke a beautiful, in every way, shape, and form, girls heart because I was not ready to love like I should have been. I am so deeply sorry Melinda. I hope that you can truly forgive me and I can only hope you remember me for who I am now and not who I was then. They are not the same people. No where even close. I am sorry Melinda.
I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with the past, more so just in constant wonderment about what could have been if I had not fucked things up and figuring out why I fucked up. I think about the past more than the future, and that’s probably why I keep making mistakes. I’m too focused on what’s behind me and and can’t pay enough attention to what lies before me. I don’t know why it’s like this. I just want to change the past. I don’t like where I’m at currently and know if I hadn’t made the mistakes I have, then I would be happy now instead of constantly wondering how I’m going to off myself and not giving a shit about who it affects.
I’m selfish in a very particular way. I give all I have to give, but I only do so to provoke a reaction I will like. I manipulate people to make me feel better about myself. I don’t actually cause them to do anything. I don’t make them do things they will regret. I just evoke particular reactions and emotions that make me feel good about myself. My self worth comes from whether or not people like me. So I manipulate them by giving all I have and doing whatever they want in order to receive a reaction that makes me feel worth something and loved. It’s something I don’t know how to change. It’s depressing in its entirety and out of control.
It backfired on me. The relationship I poured everything into and the girl I fell in love with broke. It fell apart due to my inability to talk to about my feelings due to fear of rejection and evoking emotions of distrust and anger. I wanted her to feel nothing but love and bliss. Pleasure and trust. Instead my selfishness caused that to fail. Yet I still try with her doing the same exact thing. It’s pitiful. It is unbearable. It makes me not want to feel at all. In fact I’ve decided I won’t feel anymore. I give up on all of it.
I hate her. But I’m so in love still. I was never given a second chance though I felt I deserve one. It’s unfair. I never meant to hurt her. I did all I could to prevent hurt at the time. My way of thinking was convoluted and fragile but it worked for so long. I don’t understand how the denial of my emotion and burying how I felt got so out of control and so tremendous. I even dissociated for months because the agony was too great. I did things I don’t remember. The way I was told I acted and the things I said and did made no sense to me. That is not who I am. I don’t understand how I could be honest about what I buried and freak out and tell a girl I never loved that I loved her and wanted to be with her. It is so alien to me. I denied a crush I had before I met her and it swelled and burst after years of negligence. A crush I had before I met the girl I fell in love with caused the relationship to fail. Because I buried it and refused to deal with it. I honestly think my love for her spilled over into this crush when it surfaced. It sounds like an excuse and sounds unbelievable. Maybe it actually is. But it’s what’s true to me.
Now I listen to her problems and worry about her constantly. I watch her try with things that will ruin her. I can do nothing but watch and that is my punishment.
I lost my job and where I was living. I feel fantastic but at the same time i feel like complete shit. Nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Everything matters.
I feel like dying but I also feel like accomplishing everything I’ve set out to do in life.
I still cant find enjoyment in anything, and if I do its only a glimpse for a fleeting second. Even sex is problematic.
I keep having panic attacks and recently I found out, or rather discovered through repressed memories that have surfaced, that I was molested as a child by my father. Needless to say that possible diagnosis of chronic untreated PTSD? I think its a solid diagnosis now.
I think I have PTSD about multiple things that have happened to me over the course of the last 19 years. Being molested, being sexually assaulted, being physically assaulted 3 times, years of mental abuse, a severe car accident.
Just lots of fucking trauma I’ve buried over the years that are now surfacing. Why now? I’m in the middle of a Manic/Mixed episode for fucks sake.
All this is doing is exacerbating my symptoms.
I feel a breakdown coming. I don’t know when, I don’t know what. I just feel it coming.
I’m probably going to be put on Lithium or Depakote for my Mania, and I’m going to ask to be put on Lunesta or another Non-Benzo for sleep, and a Benzo like Klonopin or Xanax for my panic attacks and general anxiety. I’m already on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for Depression and Geodon for my psychotic symptoms. I wonder what else I can tack on just for good measure. Maybe Effexor or something for my lasting depression symptoms.
I have an ADHD Screening coming up too. So maybe I’ll see if they will tack on Tenex and/or Adderall for focus because of all the medication I’m on that makes me dead.
All in all, if I’m put on all these medications it total out to 8-9 drugs I’ll be on. Fucking 8-9 of them. I’ll probably only be put on 6 total but 9 is a total possibility. It’s definitely a possibility. Just keep me fucking medicated so i’m okay doc. That’s all I ask. Give me all the fucking medication.
I haven’t really thought of Melinda either. I mean I have, but not obsessively like before. Instead it’s just been a lot of reflection and acceptance of what happened and knowing she will never be in my life again like I wanted her. That’s okay. I don’t want her in my life like that anymore. I’m done and moving on. I’ll find something better and this will be like dust in the wind. Fleeting memories that I thought once was my everything forever. I know now it was just my everything for right then.
I can’t have a girl be my everything again. I won’t allow it. I become too dependent, and I don’t allow myself to love anything but them. I become obsessive and nothing but their happiness matters to me. Not even my own. I will never allow that to happen again. My happiness comes before anything else. Sometimes I’ll break that rule if I know it will make the world for her, but I won’t consistently do it like before. No, I’m done with that.
I’d be lucky if I even have another relationship again. I’m WAY too fucked up and heavily medicated to have a sane girl try with me. Not even a crazy one. I’m too much of a variable. A loose cannon. Im too erratic. I mean I could maybe hide my symptoms and lie, but that just makes me dishonest and untrustworthy, which is why my last relationship failed. So lets stay away from that. I’ll just keep it under wraps and if she asks why I’m like how I am, I’ll let her know. From there she can decide if she wants to deal with it or not.
I just don’t wan’t to feel anything anymore. But I want to feel everything too. My life is a constant quandary.
I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. What would I do if I did…
Enough talk though. Sorry I’ve been away.
I haven’t thought about her all day.
There are approximately 3.5 billion people on this planet with the gender of female. There are 31.5 million women between the ages of 18-24 in America alone. Why am I stressing over 1 girl from my hometown who has moved on, when their are literally millions of women out there. It makes no sense and I’m done obsessing over something that will never happen. Ill relapse probably but I’m okay with that. I’ll get past that.
In the meantime Ill probably just try and drown myself in women. Maybe I’ll find one that likes me and I like her. Maybe I wont. Thats okay. Im going to be okay with that. I need to experience other people. I need to live life when I’m 19 and stop chasing after this 40 year old one im hellbent on making a reality.
I don’t know. It’s weird though.